close my eyes

ready or not, here it goes

2009-10-05T17:22:00.000+08:00

I guess because I think you've forgotten about this, it makes it easier for me to pen down my thoughts here. Which, in a way, is good, because then I allow myself to be honest to myself.

I'm scared. I'm scared and I'm afraid, and you, as my girlfriend, you don't have a clue about what is going on in that mind of mine. And I don't blame you, because it's not like i tell you what's on my mind either.

I thought about a number of things last night and this morning, and I got frightened. Simply put, you are never one to express your love, to show me how you feel about me. And it's getting to the point where I don't know if I should feel insecure, or I should just pretend these feelings don't exist and lock them somewhere in the back of my mind and throw away the key -- until it reappears again, in a worse form.

You expect a great deal from me, but I am not allowed to expect anything from you. Expectations become the start to a quarrel if I should expect anything. One night you told me how you aren't allowed to think for yourself or make your decisions, because I make them all for you.

If only you knew. You end up making all those decisions, baby, and I end up doing them all for you. That is the difference. That is what I thought about the moment you said it, and what I kept thinking about. You think you don't make the decisions. But baby, just look at how many times you make the decision, and how many times, all I do is just carry out whatever you decide.

I want to talk to you about so many things so bad, but you just refuse to listen to me. You give me a million reasons why we shouldn't talk about it, and because I don't want to ruin your mood, I let it go.

Don't you know that when words remain unspoken, sometimes it doesn't go away? Instead it stays and accumulates until it clogs up your throat and you just want to spit it out so you can breathe again?

I have so many things that I wanna say to you. I am afraid of so many things, but you refuse to listen to me.

There have been times when I have needed you recently, but you just seemed so far away. It is like you were lost in your own world, and everything surrounding you was just you and you. I got lost somewhere in the world outside of yours, and I can't get in because you can't see me. You tell me about your work, about everything, but don't you realise that I haven't told you many things about myself or my work in a long time. It is like you are in a world where there is only you and the things that you love, and I am not one of them. I am what surrounds the things you love - I am standing just outside, so that if you should need me, you just need to reach out a hand and grab me and I am easily within your reach. That kinda external world.

I wanted to see you today, but I needed some time to think. It's a first for me to do this, and I don't know what it signifies.

I don't know if you are commitment-phobic. I understand your fears, but I also know that your fears are overrated. You refuse to think of possibilities and solutions to your fears and problems - instead you let it stay, and when the time comes that I ask you about it, you just tell me straight out what your fears are, without even thinking of a solution or a way out of it.

If it was something huge, I would understand. But these are just small fears and small problems in the way, and you can't even think of a solution that I could think of in 5 seconds.

It is almost as if you are letting your fears stay there so that you can keep me out of your life and ensure that I stay out. It is to the point where I think that you don't want it; all you want is just someone to spoil and pamper you and do whatever you say. Your fears and your lack of solutions and ways out just make me feel that I am not that important after all - that what you want is to do what you want and chase what you want on your own, with only yourself for consideration and not someone you claim to love.

This is the time where I keep asking myself why I let you do whatever you want, even if it makes me unhappy. You asked for time regarding moving out, I gave you that time. For 2 and a half years, I gave you time. Even though it makes me so unhappy and intolerable it makes me nearly impossible to breathe when I'm in the house. I gave that up, for you and for what you wanted, because I love you and I understand your fears.

But now, now that the time is drawing near, I just see how you keep lagging behind and procrastinating. It is almost akin to a small kid dragging her heels because she doesn't wanna go to phonics classes or something.

You say you are afraid, but I think you are just scared that I will leave you once we move in together. I think you are afraid because once I start leaving with you and see how your habits are like, I will leave you. because you think everyone leaves you eventually.

But I have not, have I? Doesn't that prove something? Don't all the things i do for you, all the things and emotions that i give up for you prove something?

There are only two things you get out of living together and moving in. It either breaks down and falls apart, or it means a together forever for us both.

And you're just afraid to see how it goes. I think I have that much more faith in us than you.

Because despite your idiosyncrasies and little annoying habits, your lack of responsibility and consideration, I already know that it can only be a together forever for us both. With lots of savings and fun. Because we already know how we are like together.

We do the silliest things together. We can even do nothing and be happy that we are doing nothing together. We get to save, we get to go home to each other every night. We get to come home to each other. We get to go home together, go out together, leave you breakfast and butterfly kisses in the morning before leaving for work. We can cuddle and snuggle and sleep together. You can put your arms around me and smell me to sleep. I can put my arms around you and soothe and comfort you when you wake up in the middle of the night. I can cook for you and take care of you.

And you can love me, privately, every single day, with kisses and hugs and hand-holdings and snuggling together to watch movies without telling me that you can only show me how much you love me in private.

All these is what we are missing out on. And when I see how you try to procrastinate and lag behind, it just breaks my heart and saddens me. Because you don't want it as much as I do.

I am afraid of so many things, and my heart just keeps aching when I see how you don't want this for us or you don't do that for us.

It makes me sad, and I don't want to be sad with you.

We are a together forever, and I don't know how you could have forgotten that.

hi there, i'm back for a while

2009-09-29T12:28:00.001+08:00

Lately there have been many things running through my mind. My mind is like a washing machine, set at high speed to wash such filthy laundry that the water is at its hottest, the speed is at its highest, and the spinning and washing continues for a period of time much longer than any laundry. These matters spin and revolve in my mind, colliding, drifting, but always there. Sometimes it gets such that I would be sitting at the bus stop waiting for the bus, and the next thing I know, I’m looking up and my bus is pulling into the stop and if I don’t hurry and flag my bus, it just drives off without picking its lone passenger up.

I am an observer. I pay attention to words. In fact, too much attention, sometimes. It drives some people nuts, and it drives me nuts, when I argue and it all comes down to semantics and nuances and the words used at the wrong time. But sometimes, the observations that I store in my mind make sense. Like when I read certain stuff, and subconsciously I note the subtext. Like when I read certain paragraphs or quotes or look at certain pictures, and I start thinking about where it came from and why it is there. You don’t put something up when it does not mean anything to you. And if it means something to someone, the person who reads it would know that it is not there for nothing.

It is kind of like how I am right now. I say certain stuff, do certain things, act in a way that I act in, am quiet in a way that I am quiet in, because I choose to be. It is not there for nothing. There is a part of me that I keep hidden, and so far none have been able to break the wall. She has gotten close, she cracked the wall, but let it go for too long, and over time I rebuilt it.

I keep thinking and wondering. I wonder if she thinks about replacing me. I wonder if she thinks about having someone who never tells her to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. I wonder if instead, she thinks about having someone who tells her that the sun shines out of where it doesn’t shine. I wonder if she thinks about her love for me, as much as I think about my love for her.

It is said that there is always a girl who loves you more than you love her back in a relationship. Am I that girl? The one who loves her more than she loves me back. I don’t doubt that she loves me, and I have never really thought about whether or not she loves me more than I love her. But recently her love for me has been so slight and so close to not loving that it gets me quite undone at times.

I don’t like telling her any of these, so I refuse to speak to her of it. What happens is that over the weekend, she started asking me why I was quiet, why I wasn’t speaking to her about anything. I guess it all stems from the fact that she once told me not to tell her how much I love her, not to count and put into words how much I love her, because that would be like stating and counting all that I do for her. So I refrained, and over time, the words just got lost in the air around us.

But if ever she returns to read this blog, if ever she knows where I hide my feelings, if ever you do return to read this, baby, this is for you.

dear... a letter

2009-09-29T12:27:00.001+08:00

Dear baby,

Sometimes I get lost in my words and I don’t know what to say. Recently I haven’t said a lot to you. Right now, I am attempting to talk to you, if only you would listen.

Am I the girl who loves you more than you love her?

I’ve been wondering about that for some time now. If you know me, you would know that I have never actually thought about it. But right now, the way you love me is such that it makes me scared, and it makes me think. Are you thinking about replacing me with someone who loves everything about you, such that everything is perfect even if its not? Are you comparing yourself with other people who are in relationships and thinking about being with someone who laughs and cries with you and for you? Are you thinking about anything regarding us, or are you still so completely in love with me that you don’t even think about any of these?

Somehow I doubt my own last statement, I don’t know why.

The last time you surprised me was a year and a half ago. The last time I got a surprise gift from you without asking you to get me anything or getting it and asking you to pay for me was too long ago, with the exception of when you went on the road trip and got me some stuff that I wasn’t expecting. That was really lovely, and that reminded me again of why I am with you. It also reminded me of how long you haven’t done something like that.

I am not someone who will ask you to do that. I have too much pride, and I love you too much to tell you to do something like that. Perhaps because I am someone who would surprise you, do all kinds of stuff for you, get you all kinds of stuff without you asking me to. Perhaps that is why I don’t ask of you to surprise me or buy me surprise stuff or be really cute or sweet.

But I wish you would. I really wish you would.

Sometimes, all I want is for you to really show me, in actions, in words, in gifts or whatever you might prefer, how much you love me. I know that you are the type of girl who does not express love explicitly, and I accept it. But it’s been more than 2 years, and I am sure you are more comfortable in expressing your love for me.

Sometimes I just want cute little nothings, or a huge giant surprise. I want gifts that I have been longing for, and you know that I have been longing for, but of which I don’t tell you because I don’t want you to know. Sometimes I just want you to be sweet. Sometimes I just want you to hold my hand or my arm in public and not think that the entire world is looking at you, for at times, two girls can actually hold hands or link arms and no one will think anything because all good friends do that. Sometimes I just want secret kisses. Sometimes I just want secret love notes hidden in my bag. Sometimes I just want you to text me first without me worrying and texting you. Sometimes I just want you to listen to me when I speak. Sometimes I just want you to be on my side no matter what. Sometimes I really want you to listen to me when I’m upset or unhappy about certain things, instead of pretending to listen but not really listening, instead going online, and giving me crap answers or being neutral or not taking sides when all I want is for you to take my side and listen to me.

Sometimes all I really want is for you to give me some attention. (but you give me none so many times)

Right now I am confused because I don’t know if you really love me, and I don’t know how much you love me, and I don’t even think you love me as much. I guess I am insecure, and I suppose part of that is the reason why I keep getting mad at you.

I don’t know if you love me as much anymore.

Just this morning, my phone vibrated, and I thought for once that it was you. That you had surprised me by actually loading up without me nagging you to, and surprising me by texting me. But it wasn’t, and I accepted it because that is part of you, isn’t it.

I am having doubts about myself, and I would appreciate it if you could perhaps appease the doubts in me. But somehow you are so caught up in your own world that you don’t even see me standing by, silently waving to you, hoping that I could catch your attention, if only for a minute. At times I feel that you are so caught up in your own world that the only thing you talk to me about is your world, and the things happening around you. And I just sit there silently listening to you, and really listening to you.

All I really want is for us to move in together. I have been waiting for forever. You wanted time, I gave you time. Now time is almost up but yet you are doing nothing about it, and I don’t know anymore how to tell you about it. You don’t know how hard it is for me to live at home. You don’t know how unhappy I am, because you are happy when you live in your own home. But you don’t know how unhappy I am. You don’t know how happy I am when I stay with you in the hotel for a few days – even if just for a few days. I am happiest when I am with you, and all I want, all I need to be happy, is to move in with you.

I don’t know if you are commitment-phobic. All I ask is for us to live together, to move in together. I am not even asking you to marry me. This is just us moving in together. If it sucks, we move out and live apart. If it’s great, we would be together forever. I am just asking for us to move in together, but for you, that is so difficult for you to make a move. I know you are scared, and I know you still think that people always leave you.

But I haven’t, and I don’t think I ever will.

I think the sun shines out of your ass. I think that you look beautiful even if you are hungover and sick. I think you look beautiful even if you wake in the morning with drool on the pillow, creases on your face, and a messy hair. I think you are beautiful even if you kiss me with such bad morning breath. I think you look beautiful even when you sit up in the middle of the night unknowingly, bugging me about stuff that you don’t even know you are doing. My heart breaks when I see you cry. I get angry when someone takes advantage of you and you don’t see it coming. I get upset when you are upset. I worry for your safety.

But most of all, I think you are the most beautiful person on earth and no one could ever replace you, not in a million years. I love you, and I love everything about you. The way you speak, the way you hair smells, the way you look at me, how you get mad, how you speak so cute, all your little nuances and actions, every single thing about you.

Because I have you, I don’t need anyone else. Just you, and it is enough. You complete me.

I hope you know how I feel, and with this little long letter, I hope that somehow, someway, one day, you will understand.

I love you.

Love,
Me

back for thoughts and texts

2009-09-07T20:49:00.000+08:00

It is so much easier to write here than on tumblr. Especially when these words need effort and thoughts.

What do you feel about executing revenge? I don't believe in executing revenge. Yes, to people whom I don't care for, maybe I would. Maybe.

But for the person I love?
Never.

Today, she made her point by taking revenge on me. It was an act of vengeance, of pure wanting to get back at me and make me see. She failed to take in the circumstances. She failed to think about the countless times she has done the same thing to me for 28 months, and how I did not really make a big fuss about it.

She failed to think about a great deal of things.

All because she had only one thing on her mind - revenge.

She didn't think to see that we had grown. She didn't think to see that we matured. She didn't think to see that when I had to do what I did, it was on the spot. It was not a "oh, you did that to me, and I am going to do it back to you, just you wait. I have plans, and I am not going to tell you, oh no sirree, even though I know you might know, I will just continue playing dumb and pretend that I have no plans".

When I did what I did, it was not of that mindset. It was an on the spot thing.

Yet today, I gave her a chance. I had this inkling of a thought that she might do this, that she might have something up her sleeve. So I waited. And I waited.

And I waited for her to tell me.

I gave her so many openings, so many hints. She took neither. She simply was blinded by her act of wanting to get back at me, get her point across, take revenge, and win.

I don't understand how, if you claim to love someone, you would execute revenge on that person.

I don't understand how, if you claim to love someone, you don't let it go, but you keep it in your heart and just wait, and wait, for the right moment to come so you can plan your revenge.

I don't understand how, if you claim to love someone, you might want to push your point across, but by using this drastic method? No way.

Love is not revenge. Were love revenge, the world would be a dark place to live in.

I never thought there would come a day in this relationships when she would take revenge on me. I don't take revenge on her, and I have never believed in taking revenge on her, because I love her. I never thought she had it in her to do it.

Funny how, when I first asked her about it, she outrightly admitted that it was to get back at me. Upon realising that I was truly pissed, she changed her statement. For what? You already said it, it's already out there, and even horses couldn't chase your words back.

Oh, you could say it seven ways from Sunday, you could say it till the cows come home, but ultimately, all you wanted was revenge.

Is your love revenge? By loving me, do you mean taking revenge on me?

Never, in 28 months or more, have I ever taken revenge on you. I love you. I don't show you my love by taking revenge on you.

People may have said that I love you more than you love me. I choose to turn a blind eye, a deaf ear, a hardened heart.

Then you take it all and throw it away by doing this. I love you more?

I don't know.

Sometimes I just wish that you could wish for me, when you wish and dream.

I would like your world to revolve around me and you, but I know your world revolves around much more than that, and I don't blame you.

But showing me how you love me by executing revenge on me? That's not love. That is hurtful.

And you should have known that it would hurt.

I am not made from iron.

When you want to run to someone, when you need a shoulder to cry on, when you want to do stuff that others won't do with you, you look to me. You run to me.

Then you gather all that you took from me and throw it back in my face.

If this is love, I don't want to think of the antonym of love.

HIATUS

2009-08-23T18:00:00.005+08:00

Haitus.

A new beginning, and hopefully better things will come my way.

Moved.

Here: Sometimes the normal is simply what we are used to.

move

2009-08-10T17:40:00.000+08:00

I still cannot do anything with my blog except for writing. No pictures, no coloured words, no fonts. Just words. I guess it's better than nothing.

In addition, some anonymous cowardly person decided to flag my blog as objectionable. What, I posted porn on my blog? Wrote in explicit detail about sex? Oh, no. I just wrote about my life as a lesbian, and had some pictures of two girls kissing. I suppose that is objectionable. Only if you have a stick up your ass I suppose. I'm sorry, but really? Objectionable? Lesbianism is more than that, I'm afraid. Come out of your long extinct hole or whatever place you are holed up in and take a look around, I suggest.

Anyway. To change the channel.

I will move soon to a new blog. It is like I am at that stage where I am moving bits and pieces of my life to make it complete.

I will move out of this house soon, too. I cannot stand the people I live with, I'm afraid. Oh yes, I have respect for them, yes they brought me up, but above and beyond that, the one insensible and fucked up person whom I have to see everyday and share the damn rooms with, that is intolerable.

So aside from moving my blog, I am also moving out of this place soon, I hope, to some other place where I feel free, where being free is doing what I want and not having to see annoying faces that piss me off, doing whatever I want at whatever time I want, living my own life free and independently.

Well, I would like this moving out thing to be expedited, but the person I am supposed to move in with and rent a room with hasn't actually been really forthcoming.

My woman has been pushing things back and postponing things.

At the back of my mind, I see this for what it is, for what she is trying to say.

And yes, I could move out and live on my own, in a room of my own. I, for one however, would like to rent a master bedroom with an attached bathroom, and of course, that can only happen if I live with her, so we can split the rent. The other thing is because I know I am happy living with her. Lying beside her, sleeping beside her, waking up to her, going home with her.

And I know she likes it too. I know she is happy that way too.

The thing stopping her? Her family. Which, might I add, is not living here in this country where she and I are living. Her family is miles away by flight. Yet there is this inherent power and control that makes her not want to do it. I understand, because I know that her family is very important to her, and I respect that.

But her family being miles away from her country and she still doing this? That's just absurd.

There is a way out of this, to not let her family know, and I have already thought of it.

But she refuses to listen to me.

I understand, and I know.

But honestly. If you really wanted this, you would do everything in your power to get it. To see it through. To think of ways to do it. If you really want something, you go all out to get it.

I know much on that because for 2 years, I have been doing that. Wanting her, wanting to be with her, wanting her to come here to work so she can live here with me. And I do everything in my power to get it and I get it.

I keep telling her that she has to make a decision. I keep telling her we have to get a place to rent and live in because we are wasting even more money, not staying together, meeting everyday, and looking for somewhere to rest for the night. There isn't much we can save because of that. And this is taking its toll on me. She start work later than I do, so she has the opportunity to sleep in 3 hour or more than i do every day. Yet, because she also ends work 3 hours later than me, I end up waiting for her till late, sometimes going home so late and not getting enough sleep. But yes, I still meet her because I want to see her. Because I love her. But it's taking it's toll on me.

And she just has no idea because to her, she is comfortable where she is. She likes where she is, she isn't the one waking early and sleeping late, waiting 3 hours doing nothing just to wait for her to knock off. She isn't doing any of these, so to her, she takes her time to look for a room, she takes her time to move in.

At the back of my mind, I know what her inertia means. At the back of my mind, I know what her pushing things back and postponing means. It is not that I am ignoring facts or pretending it does not exist.

I am just trying not to make it too real, because when it becomes too real and I start to see it in all its reality, I will get jaded, and above that, I will get hurt and I will not make as much a move as I would have. I would not try as much.

I know this means she doesn't want to. For awhile, I knew that and I was okay with it too.

But subsequently she kept chasing me to move in with her. She kept saying she wanted me to move in with her. When she came here she kept wanting me to move in with her, and that got me dreaming again, of bliss and joy and freedom and love and happiness.

Then once again, she retracts her words and plays these games with me. I don't know how to retaliate because I don't know how to play these games. I don't know how to win at these games and I don't want to play, because I am tired.

I understand part of how she feels. And at the back of my mind, I know what her actions mean.

But whatever she is afraid of, I will be there to help her through it. Can she not see it? Whatever she is scared of, I will help her through it, hold her hand, be there whenever she is scared. I am even willing to think on her behalf how to keep that fear at bay and make sure nothing comes in between us, and no one finds out we live together.

Yet even though I can promise her all of those, even though I can give her all of that, she just pushes things back and waits and procrastinates.

She knows I've been wanting this for ages. She knows how unhappy I am when I am living here in this place with all the annoying people. She knows how happy I will be once I move out and move in with her. She, of all people, knows how unhappy I am living here and going back to this place everyday.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you really love someone, you would do everything in your willpower to make whatever it is that the both of you want come true.

Yet for two months she does not come to a decision.

Sometimes, not making a decision is making a decision.

thought on thoughts

2009-07-30T22:15:00.000+08:00

For some reason, I cannot post pictures on my blog, nor can I change the colour or font of my text. All the text formatting buttons have disappeared and try as I might to delete the cookies and cache, it does not work. But oh well, the desire to write overtakes me. So let's overlook these minor details and go to those thoughts on my thoughts.

I read a book recently that made me think quite a bit.

I have tried in many ways to write about how I feel towards this certain someone in my life. At times, the words flow like water into the stream. At times, the words get stuck like a piece of cake stuck in your throat. It is difficult, trying to put into words how you feel about the one you love, because try as you might, the cliche still stands -- no words are powerful enough to describe how you feel.

Well, today, the thought on my mind was that I love, and I love deeply, strongly, unconditionally. Love makes me feel strong. Love makes me powerful. It is like some kind of steroid that, upon consumption, makes one as poewrful as... let's just say... Wonder Woman (she with the big boobs and that curvy figure).

It is like how certain kinds of songs make you want to sing them out loud. Not singing them is like not doing justice to those songs. It is like looking at that bubble wrap thing and wanting to pop all the bubbles on the wrap. It is like having a super long fingernail and wanting to scratch someone or something or chew off that nail. It is like how the rain starts to pour and you suddenly wanna cuddle in bed with the one you love -- and then five minutes later, you wanna run out into the rain and experience that feeling of the rain drenching you whole -- that free spirited feeling.

It is like looking at your dog and wanting to hug your dog so tightly and never let go. It is like looking at a newborn and wanting to kiss and tickle those tiny toes and fingers of a newborn.

It is the feeling of being lesbian and single, and looking at the smooth curve of a girl's neck and wanting to irrationally, absurdly, stroke the nape of her neck or plant soft, feathery kisses on her neck.

This is how I feel towards my woman.

When I look at her, this feeling overwhelms me.

This feeling of looking at her cheeks and wanting to kiss them. This feeling of looking at the smooth curve of her neck and wanting to stroke it gently and plant soft feathery kisses on her neck. This feeling of looking at her shiny sparkling eyes and those long eyelashes and wanting to kiss her eyes. This feeling of looking at her lips and feeling that sudden, insane feeling of wanting to grab her to me and kiss her on those lips forever. This feeling of looking at her and wanting to hold her so tight, pour out all the love in you, and give it to her so she will never be lonely or insecure or sad anymore, in any day.

How can you look at the love of your life and not want to do all of those? It seems like a crime to have the love of your life with you and not want to do any of those.

That is the kind of love I have for her.

And this is the type of thought that I am thinking today.

How should I describe how I feel towards her? I think this describes it all.

alone, together alone

2009-07-23T21:53:00.004+08:00

We are alone together in a crazy world crowded with people.

And when we kiss, everything fades to the background.

When our lips touch, everyone disappears and the noise dies.

When we are together, we are alone in a world of our own.

A world we call love -- the love of us.

(Picture courtesy of "flipnotic" at vis.usualise us.)

lazy days and good books

2009-07-12T16:53:00.002+08:00

I haven't read a good book in a really long time.

Ever since I started work 5 months ago, it takes me a longer time to complete a book. Whereas it used to take me perhaps only 3 hours to complete a book, it now takes me 3 days or even 1 week. I only really complete a book when I have a lot of times on my owns, which you can translate into on weekends.

It's getting better now, though. Sometimes it takes me only a day or two to finish reading a book. But I realise that recently it's getting harder for me to get hooked onto a book. I guess it's because work takes up the other stuff on my mind. The storyline of the books sometimes fail to reel me in, and I even forget the plot of the book, which is rare for a bookworm like me.

Anyway, I digress.

I haven't read a good book in ages, but by some fortunate hand, I picked up a book at a library a week ago and decided to borrow it. As it turns out, it was the right choice.

Now, I don't know what type of a reader you are, but I'm a thriller/suspense reader. The only books I read and the only books that captivate me are thriller/suspense books. My woman knows this and she gets totally irritated at times because I refuse to read any other book she wants me to read -- unless it's a thriller or a suspense novel.

I begun reading this book -- Exposed by Alex Kava yesterday. And I could not put it down. I just could not.

This is the first time in 5 months that a book has captivated and enthralled me this much.

I kept right on reading it, I brought it out wherever I went, and finally I finished it just awhile ago.

It tells of a killer who tried to off people whom he wants to take his revenge on, by releasing a deadly virus - Ebola Zaire on those people. The protagonist is a female special agent who thinks she has gotten exposed to the virus and will crash and bleed out.

Yes, nothing extraordinary about the storyline. Plenty of authors have written about deadly virus thrillers.

But there was something about this novel that enthralled me. The vivid descriptions were so graphic it etched in my mind. The words played a tune and a movie in my head. The words played with other words and formed sentences so meaningful, in a novel of crime and suspense.

And when I reached the end of the book, I felt like I was thrown into the book, like I had become part of the book, like the book had mesmerised me and sucked me in and thrown me into its world. I felt like i was watching a good movie that haunts me and disgusts me but of which my eyes cannot seem to peel away from the movie screen.

After reading the book, I went online to search for more information on the Ebola Zaire virus and about the Tylenol murders, the Unabomber, classic murder cases like these that were also written about in the novel.

Then I realised that I have never actually done this with any other book except for this novel. For some reason, this novel did its work on me -- the graphic words, the storyline, everything about it. It even piqued my interest in viruses that I would usually have no interest about (since it has something to do with medicine and science).

Exposed is a good book that renders me speechless. It is the type of book where you cannot put down, and after reading it, your eyes take on this glazed look, almost as if you have also become part of the book.

Please read Exposed, if you have the time to, and if you are a crime and suspense/thriller kinda reader. Exposed is written by Alex Kava.

So anyway, lazy days and good books do gel together pretty well. On a lazy day, I read a good book and I could not put it down. (Except, of course, to pick my woman up from work. But then again, I brought that book with me when I went to pick her up.)

I am wondering now, which other book will pique such interest and enthrall in me such captivation.

force of habit

2009-07-11T14:01:00.002+08:00

By force of habit, I am attempting to update this blog.

But because I had a change of laptop, and now this thing refuses to upload my icon as I usually do on the left side of my blog before I write anything.

It is a force of habit that I usually do this icon thing before writing.

But even the most concrete of things do change, and all we need is to adapt. All we need is change, and all we have is to adapt.

My woman is here now, living in the same country with me (finally!), and she is now working. What we have been planning for the past 2 years is now coming true -- she is here to live in the same country with me, and in a month and a half or so, we will hopefully be able to move in together, provided we can find a place to rent and the family of mine does not kick me out beforehand.

That sounds wrong. I meant to say that for a traditional family like mine, moving out to live on my own before marriage is taboo. It's a no-no. It's a no-way-i-will-stop-all-communication-with-you-and-disown-you kinda taboo. I have no idea why, but it has got something to do with face and reputation and embarassment or something. I sure don't get it, because to me, moving out and living on my own is a test of my independence and if anything, it tends to make one more filial (slightly more).

But to the warped parents that I live with, for some reason they equate filial piety with money. I am not kidding. I tentatively bring up moving out to live on my own, and immediately what occurs is the mother telling me that they should not have paid for my education if they had known i was going to move out. so naturally, i assume they take filial piety to be about money. how's that? that's just warped. so if it's just in terms of money, i'll just pay them back? even if it takes my whole life? that's all there is to it? money? that's just warped, babe. that's just so warped. it's no wonder i want to move out. They think if i move out, it's to live with a guy and get pregnant. unfortunately, that is not going to happen to me. SO not. so thereefore, what other reason do they have to stop me?

I know it will be tough when I move out. My woman and I, we plan to get a place and live together by September. So come September, when I move out, it can either go both ways. I speak to them nicely about it, they try to dissuade me, then when i explain and reassure them and tell them i am likely to be more filial when i live on my own, and they allow it, albeit a tad bit sadly, or I speak to them about it, and it turns hostile and they threaten to take away the stuff they have given me, threaten to disown me, demand all their money back or whatever. Then I just leave the house and never ever return. It goes both ways. One of my guy friends and I have actually even planned it - if they do not allow me, I will sneak out in the dead of the night with my stuff and never ever return. See, that's how extreme it can go.

But you see, your happiness is your own. And if you ignore your own happiness, your ignore your life. And when life is ignored, it turns your world upside down.

Right now I am happy that my woman is here with me, and I get to see her everyday. Making love is difficult for I can't enter the place she rents since she lives with a family friend who should not know of my existence. So when we get little tiny chances to be together, we make love with a passion that we have always had. We make love with an urgency born of love and passion and lust, and then we make love again slowly, patiently, lovingly. what little privacy we can snatch together, we embrace it.

But I am not entirely happy, because once I come back to the place I live with the family, I get mad, I get annoyed, I get pissed off. So this is something I have to do for myself -- I have to leave and get a place of my own with my woman and live with her independently.

That is when I will be truly happy -- with my woman and our life together, without having to live with the family.

Oh, how I can't wait for that.

the expanse of difference

2009-06-16T22:13:00.003+08:00

I've said it once, and I will say it again.

Where this is once, there is always another time.

Some things just don't change, do they.

Recently, she has been treating me as if I am some kind of lesser being. She gets mad at me when I don't do something for her, she gets mad when I don't pick up her calls. She gets mad at the funny things.

The most annoying one of all is when she speaks to me. Oh, the way she speaks to me. It could freeze oceans and lakes, it could freeze a human's blood. The way she speaks to me lately is just really plain rude. She demands, she asks, she speaks. It is all in the same tone.

When she wants me to edit something for her or do something for her, boy, the way she speaks to me, you would think that I owe her something. You would think that I owed her a living. It is not a casual 'please change this for me' tone. It is a 'why aren't you changing it for me why are you so silly to put that down in the first place and you still want me to ask you to change it nicely when you should have changed it all on your own i am wasting my time and breath talking to you to change it' tone. And mind you, what she wants me to change is what I do for her of my own accord.

The way she speaks, it slowly, slowly, pisses me off.

The thing about this is I have been nice. I get mad, but when I argue with her, I argue sense. But the way she speaks.. oh my.

Tonight was one of the worsts.

Never mind that she did not contact me the entire day today. I had no idea where she went or what she was going to do. I had stuff to talk to her about today. She did not deign to contact me at all. Only when she bought her plane ticket. Then no contact at all.

So I just called her awhile ago because I had some stuff to talk to her about. I guessed that she was out, so okay.

But oh boy, the way she spoke to me. It could make even the gentlest person boil with anger.

The way she spoke to me was as if she was talking to a lesser being who was not worthy of her words. The way she sounded was almost as if I did something wrong by calling her because I wanted to talk to her about stuff. The way she spoke to me was almost derogatory. Like I was an idiot for calling her. Like her time was so precious that she could not waste any moment of it talking to me.

Like I was some kind of annoying fucking fool while she was the greater being.

I don't get it.

I do not ask for much from her, because hell, she does not even contact me most of the time. I contact her. She would not call me unless she has something important to tell me or something she wants me to do. I call her all the time when I am free or when I just miss her.

I do not ask for much from her, except that I hear her voice at night. Oh, most nights yes. But comes a night like this and she does not inform me at all. So i wait up and call when I could go to sleep.

I don't get it.

I have no qualms with her going out with her friends.

I have a problem with the way she speaks to me in front of her friends. And behind her friends. Actually no, make that as long as she wants to be included with her friends.

Oh, the way she speaks when that happens. It could freeze your blood.

And she will tell me how I am being unfair because she does not get pissed when I am with my friends.

-- But obviously. I don't speak to her in the tone she speaks to me with when I am with my friends. If anything, I am still just as nice, maybe even sweeter, when I speak to her and I am with my friends.

The expanse of difference.

I call her and I feel like a fucking fool.

She calls me and I make her feel that she is the love of my life.

A fool versus the love of her life.

Guess who wins.

love loves to love love

2009-05-30T22:46:00.002+08:00

“Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.”

-- Soren Kierkegaard

Do you see that?

He who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.

Of all quotes, I believe in this the most.

Today was a day of many thoughts, and this thought was one of those foremost in my mind.

If you lie to yourself, you lie to others. If you lie to others, others lie about you to some other person, and that some other person lies even more to someone else.

Just as love loves to love love, lies love to lie about lies.

When you lie about yourself, you ultimately spin a great big web, with you right at the centre. Kinda like a fly caught in a spider's web. As you spin, you stumble, you trip, and ultimately your leg gets caught in the midst of that web, and you fall.

I speak of this because when I was a lot younger, I used to lie about who I am, just so I could make others happy, just so I could 'fit in', or whatever it is these days.

Then I grew up, and I ached to seek happiness. And as I sought for happiness, I learnt that when you lie to yourself, and then to others, you ultimately cannot love, because you do not reveal yourself.

And like Soren Kierkegaard quotes, if you do not love, you are a very unhappy person.

I grew up knowing that I was lesbian. There was a period of time where I admitted it, and there was a period of time where I pretended it didn't exist.

That was the unhappiest time of my life.

I lied to myself, and tried to love a guy. Boy, was it difficult. It was so difficult that in retrospect, it was a guilt-ridden relationship. I felt guilty because I knew I didn't love him. I felt guilty because I knew that I didn't even like him the way he wanted me to. And he gave of his love to me so freely. But I liked him only as a friend, only as a companion. But not how a lover should love someone else.

That was a unhappy time for me. I tried so hard to love a guy, just so I could make everyone happy, just so I could fit in, just so I could be happy because I made someone else happy.

But as I grew older, something in me snapped, and I realised that this was not the way I wanted to lead my life.

Lying to everyone was tiring. Lying to this person, who would then lie to another person about me, it was just too tiring and it sapped my energy.

So I decided to be open to anyone who was willing to accept it. I decided to be honest with myself.

And because I am honest to myself, I learnt to love the way lovers love their loves. I learnt to give of my love wholly, without regret, with happiness.

Yes, there are still people whom I will not tell, yet. I will not tell my family that I am gay, yet. Until I move out, until they find out. But besides my family, anyone who wants to know, I tell.

And I have to say, when people get over the initial shock of it, you really get to see who your true friends are, who has your back, who the people whom you really can be friends for life are.

I am lucky because I found a group of friends who accept me the way I am. They don't try to change me. They know it's impossible because I really am a lesbian. And a pretty hard-core one at that. They know that I only like girls, I can only be happy when I am with a girl. They were there when I tried to change who I was, and they knew how unhappy I was.

I am lucky because I made new friends along the way, friends who accepted me the way I am. Guys and girls alike. I am very good friends with a guy whom I got to know through my woman, and after she left to go home, we became close. And he accepts me the way I am. He kids me about it. He teases me about it. But all in the name of fun. The bottomline is that he accepts me, he accepts my woman. He accepts the both of us. And trust me, coming from a guy who is almost a decade older than I am, who is of a different nationality and religion, it means a lot. I am even close to the guy whom I used to be in a relationship with now. He knows about my woman, and although sometimes I know he does not like certain things about my sexual preference, he still supports me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there is no point in lying to yourself, especially regarding your sexual preference.

If you are gay in any way, you just are.

And to go against that would just make everyone else happy.

Except you.

As a living, breathing person, I would think that you take care of yourself first. And happiness is essential to anyone.

If you keep lying to yourself, it will only make you half the person you can be. If you keep lying to yourself, you learn not to love properly. You learn to keep a part of yourself away from others, and even your own being. And when you do that, you can never love, fully, wholesomely, the way you see it in the movies, the way you yearn to love and be loved.

You can never be happy if you do not love wholly.

Oh, you might think you are, now, because you aren't lonely, you have companionship, you have someone who loves you.

But there will come a day when you realise that you long to love someone else, the way you know you can love. You will realise that you are lonely, because you cannot give of your love the way you can, to someone else.

I learnt that the hard way.

That is why, of all quotes, I raise my hat to Soren Kierkegaard's quote the highest.

Because he put it in words so simple, anyone can, will, and should understand.

I am gay. I am a lesbian, and I admit it. I choose to admit it, and I have never been happier, giving of all my love to the woman, my woman who deserves it the most.

Not only do I make myself happy, but I make her the happiest girl ever, because I give of my love wholly, freely, unconditionally, just to her.

But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.

Love loves to love love. When you love, love loves the love that you love. When you love, love loves the person who loves.

And you are happy.

Just like how I am happy.

been through

2009-05-23T14:33:00.002+08:00

My headphones are plugged in, the music is on to its maximum, and I am drowning out the noise of the world. To hear myself think, to let myself speak, and to prepare to think.

For the past few weeks, I have been doing alot of things, and I've been doing it such that I haven't really stopped to take a breath. Perhaps I did, but for just an hour, maybe. I've actually been running around in circles doing everything and not really breathing.

I am taking a little breather now, before preparing to rule the world again. (Or at least, my world.)

Recently, I have been getting annoyed. We have passed the 2 year 1 month mark, we have passed the 25 months mark, and I feel as if she is getting more and more presumptious with each day that passes.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing stuff for her. In fact, I am more than willing to do alot of things for her. To me, it never is a chore, because for her, everything becomes something pleasant to do.

But recently, it just is getting to be too much. I don't tell her as much when I get annoyed or mad, and I don't ignore her as much now when I get annoyed or mad. Maybe that is the reason why she just doesn't get how far she is pushing my buttons and how she is making me annoyed.

I just don't do that ignoring thing anymore because I realise it is just simply immature, and anyway it never works on her. So there really isn't a point. She doesn't seem to think that anything is wrong if I ignore her, because, well.. I suppose it is a good thing, because she is so secure in my love for her that she doesn't really think anything is wrong when I ignore her. So it really is kinda pointless.

But my point is this.

I do not compare, nor do I believe in comparing how much she does for me versus how much I do for her. I am not a believer in that. But sometimes, just sometimes, you really know when it gets too much. And it is getting to be too much.

I keep getting the feeling that she is taking me for granted. She asks me to do stuff for her, and I am more than willing, because she is my woman and I love her. So I am more than willing. I am willing if she and I are working together as a team.

Because right now, what we are doing together is something that we should do as a team. It is something good, because we are working together as a team for the first time.

Then she asks me to do stuff, which I do for her. I do it at work, and when I come back, I do it too. Then I realised that she is starting to take me for granted, in ways that I think she does not know.

It finally got to be too much last night.

I was made to look and feel like the fool countless times last night. I started out happy enough, and because it was the end of the week, I just simply wanted to share my happiness with her. Initially, I wanted to run to her to share my frustrations in the evening. Then as the night progressed, I just wanted to share my happiness with her, because it was the end of the week.

I ended up sharing first my frustrations, and then my happiness, with myself.

I felt like a fool last night. Then I was made to feel like a fool. And despite all that, I still did some stuff for her, while she was out having fun without giving me an inkling of an idea about what time, if ever, I should call her. When the night finally ended, I had just about given up trying to reach her, and she just did not make the effort to contact me at all. She just did not even make any move.

So the night was just me and myself, despite my earlier anticipation of just wanting to share the night's happiness with her.

It has been like that for a few weekends, and a few weekdays. It has been this way, where I want to share something with her, but end up giving up and just keeping quiet.

Last night really just got too much for me.

I am not so much annoyed as much as I am sad.

I am upset because I don't understand how she can act like she does not want to be with me at all. And she tells me she loves me, she tells me I am the only one for her, she tells me she wants to be with me forever, she tells me she loves me so much. And I believe her whenever she says that. I just don't understand how she can act aand be this way towards me.

I just don't understand how she can take me for granted so blatantly and treat me with this unfairness or whatever it is called.

It hurts me, because I love her, and I don't want to feel this way. It hurts me, because we have been together for 25 months, and I don't think it means she can just be this way to me. I

It hurts me most because I love her wholly, with everything that I have. And I am more than willing to share my everything with her.

So right now, I am just drowning out the world and hoping that she will change or make it up to me or at least make things better.

But in the meantime, it is just me and my headphones, drowning out the world's noises and entering into a world of my own, with just me, my thoughts, and the music that fills my ears and stops me from listening to anyone and everything that could hurt my little world.

take me

2009-05-15T22:33:00.004+08:00

There is a general misconception in this place where I live.

I had an inkling of an idea that there was this type of a misconception, but I had no idea how bad it was until I experienced it.

I was at work one day, and it was time for lunch. Now, the night before, I had been reading a particularly good book, and it was keeping me too much in suspense, trying to get to the ending and figure out the whodunnit. So that day, I decided to take my novel out with me to complete the book, since my colleagues were busy and could not have lunch with me.

As I was walking out, book in hand, I bumped into my colleague who was walking out for lunch. We decided to walk out together.

While walking out, she glanced at what I was holding, and asked me why I was reading a book. I said I wanted to get to the end of it as it was a good book. Her next sentence shocked me into realising the misconception.

She asked me why I was reading a 'storybook', then she said I was too old to be reading storybooks. What she said was that I was old enough and mature enough, why was I still reading books? And a 'storybook' at that.

After we parted ways, I glanced down at the book I was holding because I thought the cover was kiddish. But the cover wasn't even kiddy-looking. It was just a normal adult crime fiction novel by a particularly good female author.

That was when I realised just how bad the general misconception in this place is.

See, the thing is that here, this place is very business-developed. Almost everyone has a business mind, and things here run very efficiently because it is a business place. But what suffers when business flourishes, is arts. Arts, basically music and novels.

Music and novels suffer where business flourishes.

The general misconception is that adults should be old enough and should be out there putting their asses on the line, working and getting stressed and looking all stressed out and earning money every single day. If not, they should be out looking for husbands or wives, taking care of kids, shopping, watching a movie, buying a house, just anything but reading novels.

So I was considered a kid, and I was considered childish because I was reading a novel.

Perhaps childish is too strong a word. Well, just.. not 'right', in their concept.

Because this place is so developed financially, because it is the financial and business hub of Asia, apparently reading novels isn't a thing to do. Working like hell, getting stressed, retraining and learning new skills should be the thing to do, I suppose.

That is just my opinion.

I do think, though, that by reading, I am learning a new skill. I am learning to write better and better, I am learning new descriptive and narrative ways, and most of all, learning new vocabulary words. Ain't that learning too?

I don't know, but what I do know is that the general misconception here is kinda warped. Too overboard.

On another note, I am helping my woman get a job here. Applying for her, writing resumes for her, yes, I am. The recession now makes it hard, but oh, I am positive. I still am positive. We both are.

Because, for once, for the first time, we are working as a team to achieve something that we both want. We are a team and it feels good to be a team. I love being a team with her.

And we are both still staying positive.

Because, after all, if we want something badly enough, the universe will conspire with us to get it.

So, she will get a job here soon, and come here to be with me, live and work here and just be with me, very very soon. :)

with you, my heart

2009-05-06T21:04:00.003+08:00

I left my heart there when I got on the plane and flew back here today.

I don't know why I dislike coming back to this house so much. Perhaps it is the lack of freedom, the lack of independence. Basically the lack to do whatever I want at whatever time I want, without those irritating members of my family around me. I don't like to be around the annoying ones, because I love my own space and independence and privacy.

But I think the one and only reason why I feel like I left my heart there, is because she is there, and I am here.

It is always this way -- I am so happy going there, and I get so excited the few days before I fly there. And when I am there, I am insanely, wholesomely, madly, crazily, wholly happy with her. Then when it is time to fly back, my mood sinks. I get grumpy, and it always takes me a week before my mood gets better. In other words, in the week immediately after I return from being with her, I always, always have to have more than necessary alone time with myself, because my mood is dangerously low at that time.

See, the thing is, when I'm with her, I get so happy. The happiness is the kind of happiness that I don't ever get here where I am. The happiness is the kind of happiness that transcends all other happiness that I get -- the joy of buying something new, the joy of getting a job, none of this beats the happiness of just being with her. I know I've written about this before in my previous post, but this kind of happiness is really a different kind of happiness.

And it isn't just about happiness too.

It's like my woman has this profound effect on me. It isn't just the happiness that she brings to me. It's also quite like I become superhuman. I survive on just 3 hours of sleep, when usually, sleeping for just 3 hours and waking early would make me feel sick. But when I am with her, I become superhuman. I can survive on little sleep and not feel sick. I can walk for ages and get super tired but am still so willing to walk with her. I am willing to spend all my money on her to make her happy, and never ever worry about eating air or grass because with her, it is everything.

She makes me feel superhuman.

When I am with her and I laugh, I laugh right from the bottom of my heart, right from my stomach, right from where the laughter comes out from. It is the deepest, sincerest, most fulfilling and satisfying kind of laugh. It is not like when I laugh with other people. With others, laughing is also sincere, but not quite as satisfying as her.

Last night, I told her truthfully, that I am glad she is the way she is. She makes me realise that being too practical, too realistic, and too serious would just bring me down. She makes me laugh, she makes me laugh with her. When we laugh together, the love I feel for her just deepens.

We may fight, but my love for her overpowers everything else.

When I left today, I could still smell her scent on my shirt, on me. I could still hear her voice, picture her face in my mind, feel her hugs and kisses. When I fell asleep on the plane, I dreamt of her. When I returned back to this house where I am so unhappy at, I cried while in the shower because my heart hurt, just missing her so much.

We never did drift apart, we never did grow further apart. Just being with her makes me realise that we never did drift apart, even if I didn't see her for 2 months, even if I've been distracted by work. The amount of love is the same, and even more than before.

We now know what we want. We now know that we want each other. And we now know that our love can overpower and transcend everything and anything.

I went there this time, to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. And I must say, we can never stop loving each other, for the love that we have? It is so strong that with each other, we both feel like anything is possible.

I miss her. I miss her so much. Her scent, her kisses, her hugs, her voice, her smile, her face, the way she knows how to just be cute to make me calm down and not get pissed with her. I miss everything about her.

She has my heart. She keeps the key to my heart. She is my heart.

That is why I feel like I left my heart when I flew back here today.
Because I left my heart with her.
Because she is my heart.

I love you baby, and I'll be seeing you real soon.

because i belong

2009-05-02T00:34:00.002+08:00

For me, it really feels like I'm coming home.

I'm here right now where my woman is, and I don't know why, but for some reason, whenever I'm here, I feel happy.

I applied for leave to come here to be with her, because it was our 2 year anniversary, and also because I needed a break. Upon coming here, I realised just how much I needed this break.

I laughed more than I ever did in the 2 months when I was back where my house is at. I smiled more than I did. I even talked more than I did. My heart felt so much lighter than it usually is.

I don't know what it is, but this country really makes me happy. It's like I have friends here, and even if I don't have friends here, I am happy being here alone. Maybe it's the freedom that I have, maybe its the independence that I have when I'm alone here, and of course it is also because my woman is here, but whatever it is, I really am happy here.

I didn't realise exactly how unhappy I was back where I live, until I came here. I mean -- I have always known that I wasn't very happy where I live, but because I wasn't working back then, I wasn't as unhappy because I would just do whatever I wanted to when I was unhappy. Then work came, and started eating into my life. It got me so tired that I didn't have time or energy to stop to think about how my body felt, how my mind felt, how my heart felt.

When I arrived here on Wednesday evening, my heart already felt so much lighter. Although this country is more chaotic and not as organised as where I live, it feels like my heart belongs here. Just stepping out of the airport made my heart feel so light.

And then I started to smile. I haven't smiled that much ever since the last time I was here. And when I met the girl I love after two months, my heart just felt so light it could fly into the air. My heart keeps smiling, and it makes me keep smiling.

I haven't laughed that much since the last time I was here. I haven't smiled that much since the last time I was here. And each time I touch my woman, each time I hold her hand or just feel her beside me, hear her voice, talk to her, smell the scent of her, it makes me happy.

I am really genuinely happy here. It is like I belong here, in some way or another. Maybe it just is that my heart belongs here because my heart is with the love of my life -- my woman.

But whatever it is, for me, it feels like I'm coming home.

the good ol' lovin, two years and beyond

2009-04-23T10:14:00.002+08:00

Two days ago, we stepped into the two year zone of our relationship.

And I must admit, it feels just great, making the mark of two years and beyond. Undeniably, there have been some tough times. It has been hard at times, especially getting used to the initial stage of a long distance relationship, and then getting used to not being able to be with each other everyday, or as and when we wanted to.

And then there was the time where we had trust issues. It is difficult to trust when one is 3 hours away from the other by flight, and it is difficult to trust when we both lead such different lives. Wherever she goes, I don't know, and I am not in a position to stop her. Wherever I go, she can hardly stop me. There was a time when we had trust issues, but after the first 9 months or so, we settled down.

I guess the facts are just as basic as this -- we gradually realised that there is no need for a lack of trust, because there is no one else we want except each other. And yes, how true that is. We came to realise that the love we have for each other supercedes everything else that comes with the long distance relationship. In other words, we love each other wholly, and because of that, there is no need for any lack of trust or any doubting when it comes to our long distance relationship.

Some people have no idea how we carry on a long distance relationship for two years. Usually, couples who are in a long distance relationship are of the same nationality, it's just that one has to go abroad for awhile. For us, we are two girls of two different nationalities right from the start. That aside, we also have the factor where we both are girls, in a lesbian relationship, and of course lesbian relationships are more emotional. Then there is the factor where we both have different cultures and how we handle things are different. There is no language barrier for us because right from the start it was easy for me to pick up the language of her nationality. And of course, there is the most outstanding thing -- that we only get to see each other once every 2-3 months, and when we do see each other, it ranges only from 1 week to 3 weeks.

So many people have no idea how we managed to carry on a long distance relationship for so long. There are those who are so jaded that they think we have an open relationship -- where we see other people. NO WAY. That never happens. I am not that kind of a person. And then there are those who are so cynical, they believe that it is because we do not see each other often, which is why we are still in this relationship.

To all these people, I have no comments, other than the one very simple fact -- it really is pure and simply, just love. No flings, no cheating on the other party, no open relationship. If anything, it makes us sadder when we realise that we cannot see each other as and when we want to, and everyday.

But we have grown stronger because of all these things, and I must say, I really am very proud of her.

We have been together for two years and two days now, and I am still loving every minute of it. My love for her can never diminish, instead, it grows more and more everyday now.

Each day, I wake up, and I wonder how I ever made it through my life without her being in it. Every morning, when I wake up, I am reminded again and again of how lucky I am to have her in my life.

The love just gets stronger and stronger as the two years pass.

As cheesy as it sounds, it is her and me, for life. She is the one I want to be with, the one I want to give my heart to, for life. (I know it sounds cheesy, and I apologise!)

It's you and me, baby. :)

a love frenzy

2009-04-15T19:58:00.002+08:00

Do you remember how it was like when you first met your woman?

Do you remember how you felt, what you did, where you ate, and subsequently how you girls got to know each other better, possibly even flirt with each other? Do you remember how and when you first kissed, first made love?

I ask this because up till today, when I think about the first time I saw her, when I think about the first time she told me that she liked me, when I think about the first time she touched me and flirted with me, when I think about the first time she kissed me, I get tingles right down to my toes, my heart starts to race, and I get all flushed and red.

We are going to be together for two years, in a week's time, and I believe that the fact that I can still feel the way I did when I think about the many firsts that we had, says a lot about us.

I believe this is love.

Just yesterday, I was thinking about the first time we met, the first time she told me she loved me, and how she flirted with me and the first time she touched me. I got tingles and I got the shivers, and my face got all red and my heart literally skipped a beat. I realised that she still makes me feel this way, up until now.

Someone once asked me if the reason why my woman and I are still so much in love and still feel the way we do now is because we are both in a long distance relationship and we don't see each other much. In his words -- is it because you girls only see each other every 2 months, and not almost everyday?

I got mad. Ooh, believe me. I toned it down and explained it in a really reasonable tone, but in fact, I was mad. Very mad, as a matter of fact.

I am of the belief that if you don't see one another enough, the love turns stagnant, and then it slowly starts to fade away, because you both don't see each other enough, don't do things together, don't share a lot of things together. Hence slowly the love turns stagnant and will start to fade.

I am of the belief that seeing each other almost everyday helps to keep the love strong and fresh. And obviously, just being in the same country gives both of you people some peace of mind, in that the other person you love is just within reach, a call away, a bus ride away, a car ride away, and you can go to the person whenever you want. And of course, that helps in making sure whoever you are with does not cheat on you.

These are things that people who are not in a long distance relationship take for granted.

But my woman and I, we have never taken these things for granted. Precisely because we know how it feels, not being able to have each other within reach when we want to, we treasure, cherish, and love each other more.

If, like what that someone once told me, if because we do not see each other often that we are still together, then really, look at everything that you have when you both are in the same country, and tell me what you told me again.

It is that much easier to not be together when you are in a long distance relationship. Temptations and other things come your way, living in your own country, your woman in another country.

But it is different for both my woman and me. It is different because we still love each other as much as we first did when we first met two years ago. It does not matter that we live in different countries and that we see each other once in two months, because we love, and because we trust. Because we believe, and because we are always there for each other. Because we have faith.

And the most basic action of faith, is love.

The fact that we both still feel the way we do now, the fact that we are still inseparable, happily in love, looking forward to living together in the same country, even getting married, says alot.

Speaking of which, I have been busy these past few days, helping my woman look for job openings here where I live, so that she can start applying and coming here to work. I am full of hope, even if the economy says otherwise. Because we have believed and longed for this for so long, and we both want this very badly -- for her to come and work here so she can live here in the same country with me.

Because we want this so badly, the universe will conspire with us to have it.

So I am hopeful, very hopeful, and I believe it will happen.

Of course, considering that I am helping her look for job openings, and helping her with her resume, and helping her get a cellphone line here where I live, and helping her set up an account, with all of the above, obviously I am so hopeful.

We will be two years together in a week. Happy me.

I love you baby.

a long silent week

2009-04-10T23:15:00.002+08:00

This weekend is a long weekend because of Good Friday, which is a public holiday here. It's great because there is no work.

But my sister and her boyfriend are on a vacation this long weekend, so she has left her sweet little spoilt insecure dog with me, and so I have to stay home this weekend with my love dog, to accompany her. My cute little sweet dog refuses to be left at home alone, she gets lonely and sad and starts throwing tantrums and all. So this long weekend, I decided to stay home and accompany her.

With this are good and bad sides. Of course, I get to rest. But sleeping with my love dog is not an easy thing. She tends to bite my toes if I accidentally kick her (she shares the same bed as me). And the thing about her is, she is so spoilt that she takes up the whole bed. She is like the queen of the bed and I am relegated to one small tiny corner of the bed, with no space to rest my arms except on her (and she might bite if I do that). I can't move her because if she is already on the bed and I move her, she is gonna attack me. So my sleep last night averaged what, 3 hours? But it's all for her and I do not mind.

On the other side, I have time to think.

Now, this whole week, my woman has been doing this ignoring thing fairly well. She texts when she feels like it, she doesn't think that I will get worried. But I worry for her, and because I care for her, so it annoys me. And she keeps doing this not bothering to contact me thing. We haven't talked in a week and I feel crappy and annoyed.

It is like once she is out having her fun, she forgets that I exist. I want to give her own space, as she has said, so I try not to text her too much. But it starts getting annoying when she does not even reply at all, and she does not bother picking up my calls or even replying when I worry.

To me, this bothers on the side of "too much". She is taking advantage, I feel, and I do not like it. Having fun is one thing. Forgetting that I exist and not even bothering to contact me or treat me like her woman is another different thing all together.

She says she loves me. Her actions say a different thing. Her actions give me the impression of her not bothering at all. Not bothering to do or say the slightest things because she just wants to have fun, to be included in everything. And I do not mind her having fun. But the way she is treating me now, oh boy, no way.

It has been a silent week. I have not talked to her in a week. It is getting annoying.

I am her woman, as she is mine.

But it seems like only I am really treating her the way she means to me -- as my woman. And the woman that I love so much.

hide in our tortoise

2009-04-05T01:14:00.002+08:00

Tonight, she is scared.

Scared because of an item of mine that her family saw, and asked about it. Scared because that got her thinking about how it would be like. Scared because she wants so much to be with me but she is afraid of how her family would be like, how her family would think, how her family would treat her.

Everyone has these worries, once in awhile, when it does surface. She has not come out. Neither have I. I have come out to my friends, obviously. Not yet to my colleagues, not to my family either. But I have, more than she has.

I understand how she feels when she says she is scared. We aren't young anymore, and as much as we would like to push this matter behind to the back of our minds, sometimes it will resurface. We aren't young anymore, and the fact that we love each other so much and want to be together forever is at odds with familial relationships.

I didn't know how to comfort her initially, because I didn't know if she wanted to give me up. On my part, I was afraid that she wanted to give me up because she was afraid.

But all she wanted was just comfort from me and reassurance. And that, I can give to her.

I guess all I can say is that I will always be there with her through it all. I will hold her hand when she wants me to, I will be her listening ear when she wants to speak, I will be her shoulder to cry on and her kleenex for her to wipe her tears on. I will be her light to guide her when she needs me to, or when she just needs some light in her life. I will stand by her side if she gets flack left right and centre. I will take whatever bullets I can for her, and I will defend her, stand by her side, and just be with her through it all, through thick and thin.

I guess what I know is that I am just willing to be there with her no matter how hard it gets with whoever who tries to block her path, and therefore, our path.

Because I know that she wants me. Because I know that she just wants me, she just wants to stay with me, she just loves me, and because of that, I will stand by her no matter what.

I know it isn't easy. I understand it more than completely. But I also know that it is a matter of happiness, and it is time both she and I got our happiness, completely, wholly, without any ties and pressure. Her family, when it comes down to it, will accept her much faster, will eventually accept her again, if ever it comes down to it. It is my family whom I know will never accept me again, if ever it comes down to this.

And I have accepted that. Being in an unhappy heterosexual relationship before has totally changed my impression of anything and all things to do with happiness, and I guess that is why I am brave when it comes to this. She makes me happy. She makes me as happy as I have never been before, until she came into my life. And because of this, I am brave.

She is getting braver too, and I am proud of her for being so. My woman, in the past, would run away and let me go the minute she got scared. But she has grown, we have grown, and she has become so much braver. She knows what and who she wants, she knows she loves me, and she just wants me to stay with her.

You don't know how my heart swelled with pride when I heard her say that. Pride for her. Proud of her.

It comes down to these few words -- I've got her back.

Picture a tortoise. Now, we are the tortoise. I know that sounds weird, and probably the grammar sounds weird too.

But what I am trying to say is that together, we form the entire tortoise. She is the head that peeks out when it is safe, she is the head of the tortoise that comes out at all times, and only hides when she feels it is unsafe or she is scared. And I am the shell of the tortoise. Always there, always steady, always rock-steady and solid, always comforting her with my presence. She can peek her head out anytime she wants, she can do anything she would like to do, but the moment she gets scared or sad or hurt, the moment she gets worried or insecure or needs to hide. I am there. There for her to hide, for her to run to. I am there to take away her fears. Just always there.

Hide in our tortoise, my love.

You know that is is you and me. Cheesy as it sounds, you know that it is you and me. That is why you are brave. That is why I am brave. That is why you just want me, you just want to stay with me. And that is why I want to stay with you.

Simple as that.

this mind will start a riot

2009-03-29T22:14:00.002+08:00

Don't get me wrong.Overall, it is fine.

What I just do not get is this.Were words meant to be said, just to be heard and nothing more than that? That is what I do not get.

I do not understand how it is so easy to break promises. I do not understand how it is so easy to give your word, and then take it all back and pretend as if no words were ever said.

What happened was this. Almost 4 weeks ago, she broke up with me. For no reason, no rhyme. The day before, we were just as loving, the night before, we were just as loving. A few hours before, we were just as loving. And then suddenly it was as if a light switch was flipped from light to dark, and she broke up with me. Her reason being she wanted her own space.

That hurt me like a son of a bitch. As in. What hurt me was how sudden it could come. It just reminded me of how fragile some things are.

It sill reminds me now, of how uncertain some things are. How some things can happen in a blink of an eye. It still reminds me of how trusting too much or giving too much could result in a fall. A great fall down. London Bridge is falling down.

The conclusion was that we were supposed to give each other an open, honest relationship where we communicated and compromised over certain issues. She agreed to keep to her word, agreed to start being responsible and considerate.

Maybe it was because I begged her. Maybe because I left my pride somewhere down in the gutter and begged her to start again. Maybe because I implored her such that she had no other choice. Maybe that is why she thinks she does not need to change anything about herself, maybe that's why she thinks she can just be the way she is, and I should do all the changing.

I just want for her to for once, keep to her words. To keep to her promises. She always, always makes promises but never ever keeps them. She always gives me her word about things but she never ever sticks to her words. Maybe I spoil her too much, maybe that is why.

She just won't keep to her words, won't start being responsible or considerate. We came to a compromise last night about this because I was getting tired having to deal with the consequences of her irresponsibility and inconsiderateness.

But today, today, she just about ruined everything we compromised about. We just talked about it last night. How fast can she forget it? Or could it be that she just doesn't care as much as I do? When she broke up with me, and when she got back with me with new expectations and new beginnings, I started right away. I could not forget it, because forgetting it meant losing her, and no way would I want to lose her.

I just don't get it. What is it? Is it that she just doesn't care as much? Or could it be that the place I have in her heart is just not enough for her to want to do something or stick to it? She keeps telling me that I should trust in her that she loves me. The more she does this, the harder it gets to do that.

Why won't she keep to her words? Why won't she keep her promises? Why won't she just do some things, just for this time, just for this time while I am unable to do it? I know it is hassle for her, but just for this time, just for awhile until I get back on my feet, couldn't she do it? Or is it that it is hassle for her but it can never be hassle for me?

I ran out of answers and I ran out of questions. Basically everything is still just as it is when it comes to her. I just wish that she could see how some of her actions really make me feel that she does love me, but not that much. I just wish she could see that some of her actions really make me doubt the place I have in her heart. I just wish she could see that some of her actions really conflict with her words. Perhaps that is why I get insecure, and she scolds me for it sometimes.

Don't get me wrong. I love her, and I really do love her.

At the end of it all, the bottom line is that she still does make me happy.

It's just that, sometimes...

But I still love her. And that is that.

fast and slow

2009-03-27T21:51:00.002+08:00

This week passed fast, I must say.

In my mind, I can still vividly remember last Friday, standing outside my office with my tumbler in hand as it neared 6pm, the time to leave the office and meet my friend for dinner. I remember vividly my colleague telling me that Fridays were early days in the office. Now it seems like in just a blink of an eye, it is this Friday, and a week has passed.

I suppose part of it is because I am settling in well at work, and because I have more things to do and colleagues to talk to and gossip to. I walk in and out of the main office very often nowadays, especially this week, to talk to my colleagues, get hot water from the pantry, more so than I used to. I am settling in, and I am glad.

I remember writing here before, that I did not want to be part of the people joining the rat race with sad, stressed faces in the mornings. I wrote that I did not want to be one of those people with super black, unhappy, haggard and tired faces. I am glad that as a month has passed, I am still not there yet.

I recall my past job, my internship for 8 weeks in another larger corporation. I dreaded work everyday, I went to work with a black face and a tired look, and didn't talk much to my colleagues, because hell, they were really cold and they formed cliques of their own like no one's business. I recall counting down the days till the end of my internship.

Boy, am I glad that in this job, I go to work everyday pleasantly enough, albeit at times, tired. I mean -- everyone has good days and bad days, and there are certain days where I do not have enough sleep and I go to work tired, but above and beyond that, I go to work feeling normal, and not dreading it. I have colleagues to talk to, they have included me in their stuff, although we have yet to be really close. That takes time, and of course, I am working towards that.

When it comes to relationships, I am the happiest too. Things are working out well with my woman. Yes, there may be a lot of times where we fight, or we get annoyed with one another, but who doesn't? If you never ever get annoyed, never ever fight, I must say, you don't really care much. We do fight now, but we also make up much faster than before. I do get annoyed too, but I try to limit it, because she is still learning, and I am also changing.

We have plenty of new starts with regards to our relationship, and I am glad it is working out well. I am slowly letting go of the getting annoyed when she goes out without telling me, although now I just tell her to let me know, because I am not physically there in the same country as her, so I worry, especially when it isn't as safe there as it is here. But basically to me, alot of things have changed, and I am glad that it is all for the better.

I have come to realise (because I actually have plenty of time to think about us at work), that she really is the one for me. I just know it, just as she just knows it. We have gone through a lot, and we have come this far. I am so glad we have come this far, we have stuck it out and gone through rain and shine to get where we are now.

3 weeks from now, we are going to be together for 2 years. It is unbelievable, considering that we are in a long-distance relationship. I guess the key to it is just to love, always, always love, and never give up.

She makes me happy. No matter what. I can be super tired from work, super pissed at someone, damn mad at my family and damn annoyed with the younger sister, but she never ever fails to make me feel better. Even when I am annoyed or mad with her, she can make me feel better after awhile. It is just how she is like, who she is. She just talks to me in that cute voice of hers, makes nice to me, and I melt and forget about everything.

Talking to her every night has been part of our relationship for so long, and I cherish it even more now. Because work can get tiring, physically and mentally, but the most important thing is that I can come home to her at night. Not physically, but emotionally, I get to come home to her every night. Talking to her every night after work is what really, really makes my whole tiring day alright again. Going to work early in the morning and receiving her texts when she wakes up is what motivates me to work too.

It would be wrong for me if I do not admit that she really, truly, makes me happy. My happiness is such that I don't mind giving up a lot just for her, so long as she is happy with me, and I am happy with her. So long as we are happily in love.

I guess, what I am just saying is that when I am with her, I feel that everything is possible.

She makes me feel that nothing is impossible. She makes me realise that with her love and my love for her, everything is possible.

I guess, for me, and for her, there is an happily ever after. It exists.

Thank you, baby.

The funny thing is

2009-03-25T22:45:00.002+08:00

The funny thing is, she tells me she wants a new start with regards to some things in our relationship.

So I go ahead and do it -- whatever she wants as a fresh start in our relationship.

My woman says she wants her own space -- so I give it to her. She can't say that I am not giving that to her, because how I am now and how I was in the past are markedly different. She wants her space when she goes out to have fun, and I give that to her, simply because I would rather she go out to have fun and enjoy with her friends at times too, rather than her always just being at home. She is a homebody, I know she is. And I like that about her. But it is always good for her to get out and have some fun.

She says she doesn't want me to pressure her -- so I don't. Oh, I do, but about certain stuff that she knows is required.

She says she wants a relationship where even if we do fight, we do it in the joking way. So I try, whenever possible. The thing is -- there are good days, and then there are bad days. She can't expect me to have good days all day and everyday, am I right? I mean -- I try my best, whether in the morning, afternoon, or evening. But at times, I mean -- because she is my woman and my love, I always end up turning to her or confiding in her when I get mad or annoyed. But she takes it as I am not doing it in a joking way. Which, of course, I cannot, for that time, because I am annoyed. It does not mean that it is this way everyday. Everyone has good days, and everyone has bad days.

My woman says she wants a relationship where she tells me everything and I tell her everything. And so I am beginning to, slowly but surely. I used to keep alot of things, especially my problems that do not concern her, to myself. But slowly I am letting her know. She wants a relationship where I tell all and she tells all. So I do. I let her know when I am going out, where and all.

My woman wants a relationship where I stop bringing up the past, and I learn to begin to trust her again. I trust her in many areas, but there is this one area where I am as of now, still learning to trust her again. So I try, and I do trust her.

The funny thing is, she says she wants all of this, but when it comes down to it, she double standards me quite a few times.

The funny thing is, she wants me to tell her everything. So I do. I tell her when I am going out, where, and what time I will be back, so she won't worry. But she does not tell me any of this. I am always, somehow, the last to know. And I only know because I happen to text her and ask what time I can call her. Then she will tell me that I cannot, because she is out. Here -- she wants me to tell her everything, and I do. But she doesn't. That is the funny part.

Then we always have these situations where she is just kinda irresponsible and it pisses me off and I get annoyed with her when we talk and she knows that I am annoyed and then there, we get into a silly little fight. The thing is, being in a long distance relationship, keeping to your words and promises are important, because that is what we have to hold on to, among other things. However, it is not that way with her. She can give me a time to call, and when I text her to say I will call in 5, only then will she tell me that I can't call, because she is still out.

When you put things this way -- isn't it kinda double standard? I asked my woman last night, if she would get pissed off if I was that irresponsible. Her answer was a direct yes. Of course she would be pissed. But she does not get pissed, because I am not that irresponsible towards her. I actually do keep to my words and promises.

Then when I do not tell her stuff and only tell her like a few hours before hand, she gets mad. When I start getting annoyed that she is being kinda irresponsible and inconsiderate or a little selfish, she starts getting mad.

I am not saying that I am right in everything that I do. I am just saying that, if she were to put myself in her shoes, she would know why I get annoyed, and she would know why I call it double standards. The thing is, I do not do what she does to me -- I am not irresponsible, not inconsiderate, never selfish, when it comes to her. I keep to what I say, I think for her so much, and I give her my all, simply because it is her, and my heart says so.

So when she says she wants a new start with regards to some things in our relationship, shouldn't it apply to her as much as it applies to me? I try to give her what she wants in her new start with regards to some things, so shouldn't she perhaps give me the same? Like try not to be so irresponsible for a start? Like keeping to her words, and letting me know way before hand when she cannot? It is these simple little things.

The funny thing is -- I really love her. And no matter how mad I am at her, no matter how annoyed I am that she double standards me, no matter how annoyed or pissed I am with her when she is irresponsible, inconsiderate, or selfish towards me, I somehow just let it go after a day, because well, the funny thing is, I love her.

Because I love her, I am always on her side, no matter what. So I take all that she gives, even if some parts of it aren't really good, even if some parts piss me off. I take all of it in.

Like I said, she is my dream come true. The funny thing is -- I wished and dreamed for the love of my life to appear, and she did.

My woman. Some times I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

One thing I do know, though, is that she makes everything alright, no matter what. She is my star. My dream come true.

I have a dream

2009-03-24T21:05:00.002+08:00

Today, I have a dream.

I dream of doing nothing but reading novels all day long, and when I feel like it, watching some movie or TV series, if not then using my laptop and surfing random webpages.

I have a dream of living in my own little small apartment by myself for the first couple of months or maybe the first few years or so, and then gradually living with my woman, the girl I love.

I have a dream of waking up in the mornings, brewing myself a nice hot cup of tea, eating a croissant, toast and eggs and bacon and ham and sausages, sitting at my nice little small table, in my very own apartment, with the TV on just for noise, and looking around at my nice little small apartment, perhaps sharing my breakfast with my dogs or two, and a cat. My small little nice apartment would hopefully overlook the entire city (I want it to be on a high floor), if not maybe it would overlook something nice. If not, I wouldn't mind if it doesn't overlook anything, so long as I have my own little small nice apartment.

I have a dream of lazing around after breakfast, then going out to my woman's house (which hopefully would be just right around the corner from mine, or perhaps just a street across from mine, or even a few levels above or below my apartment), and waking my woman up if she is still in bed. I would have the keys to her house and she would have the keys to my house, and I would wake her up and make her breakfast, and then laze around with her.

I have a dream of, if my woman is at work, going into my woman's house just to tidy her place for her, and cook her something nice, give her a surprise, something nice and sweet. Then, when she comes home from work, my woman and I will have great marvellous fantastic sex, after which I will fall asleep in her arms, in her bed, and wake up to her the next morning, and go back to my own apartment the next morning.

I have a dream of just doing nothing everyday, waking up at whatever hour I want to, just reading my suspense/thriller/crime novels and watching the TV programmes, series that I like, and catching a movie or two. And then I will write when I feel like writing, and when I post it up online, everyone reads it and it generates a huge-ass amount of profit for me.

I have a great dream of having my own freedom, my own space, my own privacy, my own independence, free from all chains that bind me, living my life doing what I want to do at my own time and answering to no one. Of course, I would still provide for the people I should provide for, not out of obligation, but out of just filial piety. But most importantly, I want my own space, my own freedom, my own privacy, my own independence, my own room away from the rest of my family, apart from them and away from them, hopefully at the other end of this city where they live or just not so near them. And then when I have the financial ability to, my own little small apartment. Even if I just rent a room or an apartment. As long as it is my own little freedom, my own piece of heaven, with the lady I love, I am contented.

I have a dream of not having to wake up so early in the morning, dreading the process of going to work and having to face an entire day at work, and then returning home dead tired. I have a dream of not having to go to work everyday. I have a dream of not being so tired and sleepy everyday.

And I have the greatest dream of just being able to be in the same place as my baby. I have the greatest dream of just living and being in the same country as my woman.

I have the greatest dream of waking up early just to send my woman to work and picking her up from work, then going for dinner together, and perhaps she will come home with me or I will go back to her place with her.

I have the greatest dream of just knowing that I can see her everyday, any day, whenever and wherever I want to. I have the greatest dream of just wanting to be with her in the same country.

But hold your breath, because some things do come true. If you wish hard enough, and you want it bad enough, and you keep wishing and wanting it to happen, it will happen. The whole world conspires with you to get it, if you want something that badly.

So hold your breath, because I know a few months from now, I will have my dream fulfilled, of my woman living in the same country as me.

For now, I have one dream fulfilled -- the girl I love. She is my dream come true.

Today, I have a dream. No, make that plenty of dreams.

Today, I have plenty of dreams.
And guess where I dreamed of these dreams? While I was at work.

Beat that.

a week's worth of thoughts

2009-03-21T00:59:00.002+08:00

One year and eleven months today.

One more month to two years. And my longest lesbian relationship ever. Of course, nothing beats having the longest relationship with the girl I really love with everything in me.

That is my first thought. That a month later, we will be celebrating our two year anniversary (albeit one week later), because I can only apply for work leave at the end of April, and then I'll fly there to spend a week with her. Hello, it is our two year anniversary! It is a huge thing for both me and her.

On the same topic, I read something this week that stated that lesbians/gays are mostly employed in the civil service sector here. In other words, government agencies still practise discreet employment with little/no discrimination. That is heartening to know. Of course, the media industry, too, does employ many homosexuals. That just got me thinking -- I am not exactly working in the media industry nor strictly speaking in the civil service sector. I am still employed, though. How's that.

On another thought, some time this week I suddenly got to thinking about how I understand, now, why some working couples suddenly lament the way their sex life has disappeared. It is physically and mentally exhausting, waking up early to go to work and then coming back all tired. It is no wonder some working couples lose their sex life.

But. Please note that I use the word "some". This is because, as exhausted as I am, it does not apply to me. Yes, my woman is not in the same country as me, but both she and I know that we aren't too tired to have sex. To talk about having sex. To talk about making love. Oh, when it comes to making love -- before we got together almost, about 3 years ago, I remember joking with her that we would have the most fantastic, marvelous, mind-blowing sex ever. And what do you know? That is so true.

Anyway. On another coherent thought. I find myself being able to sing an increasing amount of foreign language songs -- songs that are in the language that my woman, my lady, my baby knows how to speak (although she cannot speak it that well). But it is starting to be surprising, how I know how to sing that many songs that are sung in her national language.

The funny thing is that almost a quarter of my iPod songs are in that language, and now I know why she was so shocked when I could sing an entire song to her in her country's language. I know this because I realise that I am starting to sing more foreign language songs while I am at work.

And then. One of my other thoughts this week was that I am really anal when it comes to speaking or writing the English language. I suddenly thought of that because I have been attending countless meetings for the past three weeks, and each time, I find myself quietly getting irritated or annoyed at the poor grammar and vocabulary used during meetings.

One time, I even found myself secretly giggling and trying to hide it, because the guy's English was so poor I could not understand a word of what he was saying, and he sounded like he was telling a joke, when he was not. I kept wanting to laugh, and it made me want to cough, which ended up in me excusing myself to apparently use the washroom, when all I wanted to do was to laugh.

The English that is spoken is not the only thing. The written makes me laugh too. At times, some things have to be written on the main board in the meeting room. After it has been written, I find myself silently correcting the grammar that is being used. It is funny. The thing is, my boss and everyone else I work with have come to know, in the short span of 3 weeks, that I have the better (and if I could say so, the best) standard of English there, and so, now that the FY is coming to a close and annual reports are due, it is me who is doing the editing of the annual report. Great.

Anyway, so, to close this week's thoughts, I just have one grievance. I simply cannot and do not want to understand how the mind of some commuters on the train works. Is there something about picking your nose in public that I do not know about? Is it more enjoyable to pick your nose in public, or is it a fetish that some commuters have? Isn't there this idea of perhaps manners? Of perhaps not being so rude and disgusting?

This guy who was sitting right at the opposite end of me on the train was so happily picking his nose throughout the 20 minute train ride. And I mean continously. He just wouldn't stop, no matter how I stared. He picked the right, and then the left nostril, and then the right again. And it goes on. It got to the point where he kept digging and picking for the treasure or some precious gold that was in his nostril, that I could literally see the movement of his finger from the external of his nose.

To make things worse, after picking his reward out, he proceeded to flick it on the train. Flick. And because he was sitting on the last seat which had a glass panel next to it, those disgusting yucky boogers had no where to go but either the glass panel or the seat next to him. And he kept right on flicking. I could not take it, and before leaving the train, I just had to tell him off. Although I don't think he heard a single word I said. These people, I really cannot tolerate.

Anyway, to conclude my week's worth of thoughts -- the one constant thing I keep thinking about this week is what I am gonna do when I fly over to see my woman. I keep looking forward to it -- hanging out with her, being with her, touching, kissing making love to her -- I just can't wait. It is the thing that keeps me going even when I am extremely tired at work. A month from now, during end April, I'll be there for a week. I just can't wait.

One year and eleven months today.

I love you baby.

these days

2009-03-15T16:41:00.003+08:00

I have started work for 2 weeks going on 3 now, but sadly, I have to admit that I have yet to get used to the 9-5 hours. The 8.30am-6pm hours, to be exact.

I find myself getting super tired by the evening, every evening, and it makes me wanna go to sleep by 11pm every night (when I used to go to sleep at 2am or later). It makes me not wanna do anything, makes me not wanna go out at all, and I just wanna go home and get some peace and quiet and my own space and privacy and freedom with no one to annoy me except for the people I want around me. But of course, that is not possible as of now. More on that later.

On the other hand, I have been living with my sister and her boyfriend for the 2 weeks that I have started working, and I like it. I like the utter and complete freedom and independence I have. I like being able to go home directly after work because there is no one to avoid at home and no one who will annoy me. I like it because I have my own space and privacy.

All these are non-existent in the house where I live now.

Anyway, like I was going to say -- these days, things are okay on the love/relationship front. These days, things are fine on the friendship front. These days, things are very utterly absolutely NOT fine on the family front.

My relationship is working out, I think. We talked, we communicated, we got to know each other again, and our relationship is taking a new turn. However, though, we have a new anniversary date, so apparently our "2 months to 2 years" is now "3 weeks to 1 month". But that's fine, because we are getting to know each other again. Although, i have to admit, I think sometimes I do a better job of it, simply because I don't bring up how she was like in the past, and I don't bring up that I know how she is like, which she does at times.

But on the whole, my love, my relationship, it's working out just fine.

On the family front, though, I am not sure how much longer I can tolerate it. Living with my sister for the past 2 weeks has made me realise just how happy I can be. Just how happy I can be, when there is no one who annoys me and nothing to tolerate. When I can have my own space and privacy.

The thing is this. I am going to move out by the end of this month. This is more or less something that has already been confirmed, because if I don't move out, I will simple disintegrate and disappear if I have to continue living at home and tolerating all the shit that goes on.

However. The parents are going to kill me when they find out. It goes this way. The parents of mine have never been open to talking. They never do talk when I want to talk seriously. The last time I can recall, I tried telling them that I wanted to talk about something with them seriously, and I recall the mother telling me -- No way. No talking. So fine. If they don't wanna talk about it, then too bad, the only other way out is to just leave and wait for them to realise and make a big fuss out of it.

Which, by then, I would already have left the house.

This one other thing, though, is that it is easier said than done. As in. From what I gather, the mother has already been bitching about me to all my relatives when I am not around. In other words, she bitches behind my back. Relations between my elder sister and her have already gone down the drain -- they are not talking, and have not been talking for close to 3 weeks now. Now, the mother is bitching about me. I suppose she can therefore look to the younger sister for everything, then. I wouldn't mind, and I couldn't care less.

Because when I live at home, the people I really have to tolerate is the younger sister and the mother. These two people, I really cannot live with. I cannot co-exist with them. Especially the younger sister, who is the most annoying person on earth. It's like she doesn't understand the concept of space and privacy. And of course, she has a habit of blaming everyone but herself for her actions. In other words -- blaming either me or my elder sister. Not to mention her living habits are utterly disgusting.

It is really, really impossible to co-exist with the younger sister and the mother. And I do not wish to.

Now, this is not to say that I am not grateful or filial. I am. Even when I move out, I am still going to give the parents money every month. And if I can, get them stuff. So this is not to say that I am unfilial or ungrateful.

However. The mother has a warped version of being filial and grateful, and I suspect this is because she has always never been satisfied with what she has. All she has to do is to go out with her friends, hear them talk about their children, and she will start getting envious and dissatisfied and jealous. The stupid thing is -- no one airs their dirty laundry in public. Being filial and grateful has everything to do with what one deems as filial and grateful, and has nothing to do with moving out. Besides, I am not exactly moving out to live with my boyfriend or girlfriend.

I am just moving out because I love living alone, with my own space and privacy, where I can do whatever I want at my own time.

I have always been this way, ever since I was younger. I have always thought of moving out to live on my own. I guess it is because I just love having my own space, my own privacy, the freedom and independence to do whatever I want at my own time. And of course, the fact that I do not have to tolerate anyone or get annoyed at anyone at home is another fact.

Now that I have started work, there is nothing more I would rather do than to just go straight home after work, just rest and relax and get some of my own peace and quiet and space and privacy, because I get really, really, inexplainably tired after work.

But as of now, I cannot. I cannot, and I have to go out and while my time away until perhaps 8pm before I make my way home, simply because I do not want to go home early to face the parents or the younger sister. I do not want to go home only to realise that I have to tolerate the younger sister again. I do not want to go home only to see that I do not have my own space and privacy.

Because, ever since I was a kid, I have never had my own room. Even up till now. The room that I sleep in is also the room where the insensible younger sister sleeps in. The other room where I stay most of the time to use my laptop is also where the insensible younger sister uses her laptop. Right next to me. And of course, she has to play her music incredibly loud, or watch something incredibly loudly with no heed for whoever is sitting beside her. Not to mention her disgusting living habits, which I will not mention. Let's just say she is not very hygienic. And she is spoilt rotten.

So this is the reason why I want to move out so soon.

And also the reason why, when I move out, I suspect that relations with my family will be severed, because the parents do not take kindly to children moving out before they are married, and I do not understand why.

But for my own happiness, I have to. This is not being selfish, because I am still going to provide for my parents. This is just me doing something for myself for once.

Before I go stark raving mad because they drive me insane. Before I disintegrate.

I need to do this for myself. For my happiness.

these sudden thoughts create a void

2009-02-27T12:00:00.002+08:00

If you do not think about it, then you won't fear as much, and you wouldn't be as afraid and upset.

If you think too much on it, you create a void for yourself.

Thing is, these thoughts suddenly creep up on me. It's a sneaky little thing, this mind of mine.

Uncertainty breeds insecurity and fear. Is that true for all, I wonder?

I started getting afraid because I started getting uncertain.

Is my life going to be monotonous -- just going to work each day, then coming home and sleeping and going to work again the next day. Monotonous, boring, a damn routine. Excitement, adventures? Where do they fit in?

I am afraid of leading a monotonous life. I don't want that. I am afraid of leading a monotonous, unfulfilling life. I don't want to lead a life dictated and bounded by constraints and restrictions.

I want to lead my life independently, freely, on my own, without the chains that bind me -- without having to live with my family. I want to live on my own, or with my love or my partner, alone, freely, no constraints, no restrictions.

These thoughts scared me, because I don't want to lead a monotonous life bounded by family, constraints, and whatever else.

I also have some kinda fear in me that I loathe to voice out, simply because I don't want it to be there, and perhaps it is just me thinking too much (as usual).

I have come to dream and believe in a forever with her. In many ways, and in other words, she is my forever.

For the two years that we have been together, we have always planned and dreamed and looked forward to this time -- when she graduates and I have gotten a job, and she comes over here to work and live.

In other words, when we start living our lives together. Sharing our lives.

I believe in it. I believe in our forever, I believe in her being my forever, I believe that she will get a job here soon, and I believe that we will start taking our relationship to the next level and move in together.

The only thing I am afraid of is if she wants it as much as I do.

As it is, the times now make it such that you have to start looking for a job way in advance because hell, it takes long to get a job now. I keep telling her that, because the papers in her country do not really talk about the recession and the damages of it.

Yet I also understand that she should have her fun, she should enjoy the feeling of graduating.

But I am just scared.. I am so scared that she does not want this as much as me. I am so scared that she gets influenced by others and decides that she will postpone her plan of coming here this year to live and work. I am scared that because she does not really bother much about looking for a job now, it will take her long to get her a job here.

For two years now, I have daydreamed, I have fantasised, I have planned and looked forward to this time -- the time when I have now gotten a job, and she is graduating, and I am just waiting for her to get a job and come here to live and work. I have dreamed of this for so long, and it is supposed to happen this year.

I have fulfilled my side of the dream, of our dream that we have planned together, so now, shouldn't it be her turn to fulfill our dream?

I believe in her, and I believe that by hook or by crook, she will not disappoint me, and she will get a job by this year, she will come here to live and work. I believe in that.

I am just scared. I am just afraid because she seems as if she doesn't really care much about getting a job here, and I am just afraid that she does not want it as much as I do.

Perhaps I am just thinking too much.

Because she has asked me to believe in her, she has asked me to trust in her, that there is a forever, that there will be a forever. And I believe in her. I trust in her.

I just want her to want it as much as I do.

I am afraid, I am scared, I have these fears that I try to keep at bay.

But I will believe, and I will continue believing and trusting and dreaming, because I believe that she is my forever, and I believe in dreams.

together, a diary day

2009-02-26T11:34:00.010+08:00

Today is a diary and picture day.

Okay, it is not really today's entry, but well, I hardly enter descriptions of my day here, and since my sleepy baby and I did write part of an entry together last Saturday, she wanted me to post it online.

After a few days of procrastination.. here goes.

February 21, 2009.
Today happens to be our anniversary. Okay, our one year and ten months anniversary. So technically speaking, it is our monthsary. Anyway, so here, we jointly wrote a diary entry together on my iPhone.

A day we needed to budget our cash -- after a fun night at Star City (an amusement park), we woke to find ourselves rather low in cash. It was worth the hassle, however, for we had loads of fun in Star City. The sad part, though, was after the movie, when we finally realized that we couldn't eat as freely as normally would have... we walked past Fridays, Italianni's, Cibo, Fish & Co -- the list goes on -- and we couldn't eat at any of those restaurants that we always favour. There is something to be said about stopping to count your money in your wallet while smoking that really brings out the reality of the situation. In a way, it was fun, though, for what better way to have this experience than to share it with the one you love :)

And then the entry ended here because our food arrived, and us two hungry pigs starting eating and talking and forgot about continuing the entry. I shall continue it on my own.

What happened the night before was that we went to Star City, an amusement park, and we had so much fun and spent so much money that we forgot that we needed to budget for the remainder of the time that I was still there before I went home. We bought the all-rides pass and we spent a lot on tokens to play games, because well, my baby just loves playing games at fairs and eating fair food. She won me a small cuddly toy, though, and yes, I won't deny, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT when my girl wins me a toy at a fair :)

We rode the ferris wheel, and I had to laugh, because she was so afraid of the ferris wheel, when we were on the top, that she wanted so badly to come down and I was afraid that she was literally gonna poop in her pants. Apparently heights do not go well with her. So she made a fuss for the whole duration of the ferris wheel ride, and I admit, I had to stop myself from laughing and reassure her instead.

The day at Star City ended with a fish spa. Now, fish spas. It makes me laugh just thinking about it. So we paid a not really outrageous sum of money to sit in a pond filled with fishes. The thing about these fishes are that the moment you enter and put your feet into the pond, they swim away, all scared. Then slowly, slowly, they start coming up to you and nibble at your feet. The sensation is the "oh-my-goodness-i-can't-seem-to-talk-because-i-am-out-of-breath-with-squeils-and-laughter" type of feeling. When one or two fishes start nibbling at your feet, it's nice. When a whole gang of Dorys and Nemos start nibbling at your feet, you start to get really tickled, and then you start doing outrageous things, like trying not to giggle and squirming in your seat and gripping my thigh so viciously (which was what she did) that I wanna cry cos it hurts and you start laughing and pretending to be nonchalent because you look like a fool if you don't.

Those fishes in the fish spa though, were picky. They chose my feet over hers almost all the time. I have no idea why. Maybe because I had black nail polish on my toes and she had none. But we both figured that the reason why those fishes chose to swarm over and all at once nibble at my feet was because my feet wasn't as filthy or stinky. (Because, you see, a hidden secret here is that baby has stinky feet sometimes. Hush now.)

Anyway, so we spent the entire night there, and when we went back home, we ended the night with great, great sex. As in. I found a new position for us to make love in, and she loved it. That night, we made love with an intensity that blew us both away. Or rather, blew her away. Apparently, the new position I found made her weak in the knees, and whatever I did was so good. That night, we made love fabulously. We had great, great sex. Of course, we have great sex each and every time :)

And then, the next day, we woke to find that we did not have much cash left. So that day, instead of riding the cab in comfort as we normally would have, we ended up commuting. It was alright, not as bad, though. We had fast food for lunch because it was the cheapest, and we drank bottled water instead of manufactured drinks that would have been more expensive.

The reason for this budgeted day was because I was gonna go home the next day and I needed cash for the cab ride to the airport, and she had no more money, and my cash was running out, so we had to really budget.

This is the mall we went to that night. We wanted to catch a movie and have dinner before I flew home the next day. I wanted to see "He's Just Not That Into You", but apparently the ticket prices were more expensive. So we settled for "Valkyrie", which turned out to be equally good. Baby is funny, though. She gets scared at the weirdest parts of the movie and ended up covering her ears at almost every part of the movie. It's funny. She's funny.

She makes me laugh. (Let me swoon for a second and go weak in the knees thinking about her first.)

After the movie came dinner time. Now, normally we would not have such difficulty deciding on what to eat, because we would just simply go for Cafe Breton, Fridays, Dencio's etc. This time, however, our cash was so limited that we really were in a fix.

It is true what we wrote together right at the beginning of this entry on this day. There is something about stopping to surreptitiously count your money in your wallet while holding a cigarette that brings out the reality of the situation. It is the first time we have done that -- surreptitiously count our money in my wallet. We have never done that because, well, we have never gone this budget before.

But smoking helped us, though. We had time to decide while smoking, and it calmed me down, I don't know why. I remember too, baby vividly saying that she knows I really love her a lot, while I was smoking. I cannot remember why, but I believe it is because I refused to let her take even a puff, because she was complaining of how her lungs felt weak.

Anyway, we settled on Japanese for dinner, and so we had Teriyaki Boy for dinner. And the first picture -- that was what we had for dinner. If I am not wrong, we had gyoza, tempura udon, tuna maki salad, miso soup, and rice. Now, because we were still recovering from that nasty bout of food poisoning, we did not eat much.

That was our budgeted meal, and I know it isn't really budgeted, but it really is. Teriyaki Boy is budgeted and cheap, and we could not order as freely as we should have, so to us, it was budgeted enough. Hello, I did not even order my normal order of chawanmushi!! (but only because I gave in and let baby order her rice and what-nots.)

So there, that concludes our diary entry for February 21, 2009. Our one year and ten months anniversary.

In all, it was a fabulous day. It was a fabulous and loving three weeks I spent there.

And now, off to lunch I go, then off to play with my dear dog :)

love in a new light

2009-02-24T01:29:00.004+08:00

I am supposed to attach pictures to send to my baby, but it is taking ages to attach it so I am here, catching up.

So, after a refreshing, rejuvenating 3 weeks spent with my love, I am back here where I am to lead my life while waiting for her to come over here to work.

It was a wonderful 3 weeks, I must admit. I saw some things in a new light, I saw parts of her in a new light, and everything was just refreshed and not as jaded as I thought I would be.

The first 2 weeks were crazy, because she was there trying to rush her work in time for her thesis deliberations, and I was there trying to calm her panicky soul and helping her in whichever way I could, to just be there for her.

According to her, though, just the thought of me, there with her, sitting beside her, calmed her down and helped her to do her work better, and I am glad for that. I attended her deliberations, and she passed it and it is all over. Now, it is just the waiting time for her graduation.

Now, I know this is going to be funny, but for some reason, each time I am there with her, we always have adventures of whatever kind. This time, it was an adventure of a different kind. The first adventure was seeing her so panicky and crazy over her thesis, and it was funny, because I have never seen her panic this way, and I have definitely never panicked that way. I never knew she had the ability to cry and work at the same time, then stop and cry and work and make weird crying and whimpering noises while working.

Of course, it was a totally different experience, waking up to her whimpering and crying in her sleep, turning to me and telling me that she was scared for her thesis. There were times, in the 2 weeks following her deliberations, that she would sit up and whimper and cry a little and tell me she was scared. She would say she was unable to breathe, then get up and get water to drink. The funny thing came when I told her what she did the night before, and she always says the same thing -- I didn't know I did that!! Apparently she can sleepwalk and sleeptalk this bad. I know she sleepwalks and she sleeptalks, but it is apparently worse when she is stressed. Thank goodness I wake when she does so I am able to comfort her and settle her down to sleep again.

The other adventure we had was a totally different adventure that I never want to have with her, ever again. It was the most disgusting, grossest "food poisioning adventure" ever, and I never, ever, ever want to have that kind of an adventure with her again.

So, we had dinner the night before with her friends at this pizza place. (In order not to get into trouble of any kind, I shall not mention the place that shall never be mentioned and the place that I will never ever eat at again) We had dinner there, and the next morning, it was horrible. As in.

I started having stomach pains that night, that grew worse throughout the night. I was in constant discomfort the whole night -- it was the kind of pain that made me unable to sleep, because although I was so tired that I would fall asleep, the pain would wake me up. It wasn't the stabbing pain kind, it was the spasms kind, that made me feel like I should poop, but nothing could come out of me.

As for her, she woke in the morning saying she felt like puking. I thought that at first it was nothing, but she suddenly woke again later in the morning and stood at the door of the bathroom.

Now, because I am so in tuned with her actions, I knew what she was going to do, and because I was weak from the pain, i just waved at her and told her to go puke. She ended up puking 4 times and pooping 2 times, I think. She had stomach pains too, I think, but it disappeared after awhile.

My poor baby had the more serious food poisioning, because she ate most of the pizza. Fortunately for her, she also has a strong, much much stronger stomach than me, and thankfully it worked well for her. She puked and pooped it all out, and she was okay, though weak, and she went home that night.

As for me, because my stomach is generally weak, I had stomach pains the entire day. She couldn't sleep with me in the condo that night because she had to go home, so I was there alone after the afternoon had passed. Luckily, though, her friends came to our rescue and rehydrated us and gave us mild food to eat so we would have energy.

I was weaker than her, though, and I think I even blacked out from the pain at that moment, although I wasn't too sure.

Whatever it is, we both just slept the entire day away, and the next day, we both felt a lot better.

But whatever it is, because we both always do everything together when I am there with her, we ended up with the same adventure -- the 'food poisoning adventure' which I never ever want to have again.

She is fully cured now, but I still have stomach pains now and then, and since I am back here, I am thinking of going to the doctor's tomorrow.

But whatever it is, after that horrible incident, it became kind of a joke between us -- because we always have some kind of adventure or another when I am there with her.

There is more to come that I will write in here, including a blog entry that we both wrote together on my iPhone the day before I left her to come back here.

For now, it is rest and sleep for both me and her -- her in her own country and me in mine, and tomorrow will be a whole new day of lovin' and lovin'.

As always. :)

fly to you

2009-02-01T02:00:00.002+08:00

In a day's time, I will be flying over to where she is.

To look for her, to spend time with her, and most of all to have a nice long face-to-face talk and work out our problems and issues.

I don't know how it is going to be like a month from now and honestly, I am scared.

Scared because I don't know how things will change once she is done with her thesis. In a way, I am scared and worried because while I am constant, I don't know if she is.

I am afraid because I worry that she will start enjoying too much her fun and whatever else she is doing, and in the process, decide that there are other people, other things she might want and might like to do.

While my love for her is constant and never strays away, she has exhibited behaviour of liking the attention that people give her, and I am afraid that once she starts getting any attention from anyone, she will start forgetting me, forgetting who I am to her, treating me like nothing, and deciding on other decisions.

I have reason to be afraid and scared.

But the thing about her is, we could fight like crazy, argue like anything, quarrel almost everyday, and yet, she does not want to leave.

What is so cute is that despite our fights and quarrels, she still tells me at the end of each argument or in the midst of it, that all she wants is to be with me.

I remember how, not too long ago, the moment we started fighting almost everyday, she would want to leave. She would want out.

But this time, it is different. She is different. We could fight so often, but she never once wants to leave me.

In fact, no matter how bad our fights get, she stays. She stays, she apologises, and she tries to right the wrongs. Even if her righting it lasts only for a while, even if her righting it isn't that right, but she rights it, and she never exhibits any signs of wanting to leave.

Rather, each fight and quarrel we have just seems to make her realise all the more that she wants to be with me.

She is very sure in her belief that all she wants is to be with me forever and to grow old with me, marry me when the time comes.

And for that, I am grateful. I am grateful and proud of her.

That despite it all, she has changed and she knows that all she wants is me. That she doesn't leave because of all these things.

If I have failed to say it, if I have not said it in a long time, then I will say it now -- thank you.

Thank you, baby.

I will be seeing you in a day's time. For our long due loving and spending quality time and being together and laughing and loving and enjoying each other.

Not to mention, lots of absolutely fantastic marvelous loving sex. And that is why we call it making love. :)

some you give away

2009-01-28T20:46:00.003+08:00

Some things just don't change.

And here I thought that perhaps I should give out another chance. As usual, such stupid thinking.

Patience and understanding
Support and kindness.
Loving and nice.
Giving in and being there.
Birthdays and anniversaries.

I open all these doors for her to easily enter. But I have to push through just to walk through her doors.

I thought that perhaps I should just give her a chance. One chance after another.

Some things just don't change.

Some you lose, and some you give away.

take it and shut up

2009-01-23T13:13:00.002+08:00

She asked me why I must write when it is negative or something bad.

Well, all I can say is that writing is cathartic.

Tell me this. Tell me that. Tell me a story. Tell me something she weaves. Then I pick through it, trying to sieve through it. For what? Oh, she knows.

Time after time. Chance after chance. I take my chances and give her chances. Time and again.

She breaks my heart again.

Did she think I would not know? Did she think I would not hurt? Or did she merely think that it would be okay, because I have always given her chances, let it go, and forgave her?

She does something that I think is so unbelievable, and when I found out last night, for a while I was speechless.

What do you say, when you find out about something you least expect to find out about?

She thinks she has done what she is supposed to do, and then she leaves the rest to me. She leaves it all to me. Fixing things, settling things, she leaves it all to me. It does not occur to her to tell me the truth, to stop omitting details.

She leaves it all there, and when it explodes, I deal with the aftermath.

I am left to pick up the pieces that she left behind.

I would be stupid if I wasn't brokenhearted. I would be stupid if I wasn't sad. I remember saying that I hope she wouldn't break my heart again. I don't think I should say it again. Broke my heart.

And I am to mend it back again.

Did she think that I was superwoman, that I could fix everything on my own and not have any ill effects? How does she do something unbelievable, and then think that it is all okay?

How can she do it and still tell me that I am her girlfriend and she loves me so much?

How do you do it, when you knew it would hurt me?

believe it

2009-01-22T14:35:00.002+08:00

I don't believe this.

Actually, I can't believe it.

For once, I really am rendered speechless. I don't know what to say. I mean, seriously, to do that? That was truly weirded out.

Unbelievable.

If I had the ability to, would I even ask her? If I could, would I get her to do it? If I could do it on my own, why would I trouble her? If I could do it on my own without asking anything from her, I would have already done it, rather than chase her everyday and ask her for something that I know will take so long that everything will increase.

If I had the ability to, why would I trouble her to?

And then she goes and does something like this.

And I have to be the one to do everything else, figure everything out.

At the end of the day, I am the only one affected by whatever I had to fix and figure out, when she could have helped.

At the end of the day, I have to figure out and find a way out of this, because it has evolved to become only my problem, since I solved our problem.

I just don't believe this is happening.

I can't believe that splitting hairs just took on a totally new meaning.

What the.. Unbelievable.

I don't even know what to say.

everything is said and then...

2009-01-11T00:16:00.002+08:00

Let me tell you a story.

Once, there was a couple -- Girl A, and Girl B. They were happily in love, and were in love for a long long time.

Gradually, Girl A realised that Girl B was not doing anything much -- Girl B could not bother to contact Girl A, Girl A did most of everything. Girl A thought it was alright, Girl A thought that because it is love, and she loves Girl B, so that was alright.

It started from the smallest things.

Girl B would not bother to tell Girl A anything. Girl B would start asking Girl A to do many things, and get pissed when Girl A couldn't or did not do it, but it was alright for Girl B to not do whatever Girl A asked of her. These were the smaller things.

Then Girl B decided that she could give up doing what she normally does with Girl A, just for a few days, because there was someone giving Girl B attention. (And it is not as if Girl A does not give her attention.)

Following that, Girl A realised that she knew nothing about Girl B. Girl B would be doing something, and Girl A would assume that Girl B was doing something else, because that was what Girl B said she was gonna do. Girl B could have the intention to not talk to Girl A, but never ever let Girl A know until Girl A got tired of waiting for her reply.

So Girl A had a talk with Girl B. Girl B promised to do something about it. Girl A relented. The next week, it was still the same thing. Girl B again said she would do something about it.

A few months later, and Girl B was still promising to fix things, to do something about it.

Girl A, however, already started feeling neglected and left behind. Girl A already started feeling like she was being taken for granted. Girl A already felt like she was left in the lurch while Girl B made her look like a fool.

Girl A started to feel that Girl B did not love her as much anymore. Girl A started to feel that Girl B was not in love with her no more. Girl A started to feel that perhaps she does not mean anything to Girl B.

Girl A was always saying how her work was so important, how work meant money and therefore Girl B should let her do her work so that they would have money and success. And Girl A let her be. But Girl B took advantage of that and went all out for that.

One day, after Girl B had had all the fun in the world, after Girl B had decided that working was not everything, money was not everything, after Girl B had smelled and tasted the greener grass on the other side, she realised that there was always something missing.

She realised that she was missing the one thing that could make her complete -- Girl A.

But no matter how many calls and texts she sent to Girl A, Girl A did not reply, and Girl A did not pick up the phone. It was as if Girl A had disappeared.

And Girl B realised, this time, that because she was the boy who cried wolf, now that the wolf really was here, no one was going to save the boy anymore.

... ... ...

Just when Girl B had resigned herself to never feeling whole or complete, she received a text from Girl A.

"After you have done your work, after you have had all the fun and all the attention in the world, after you have tasted and smelled the greener grass on the other side, I hope you come to realise what could have been.

What you might have lost.

How often have you told me that you are always here for me, yet you don't show it to me, you don't tell me, you don't contact me, and you don't even do the smallest stuff that you should do, without me asking you to? You just claim to be here for me, but without any actions, without letting me know. How often have you told me that?

In all honestly, I never left your side.

I was always still there for you, despite my absence.

What I did, simply, was to do what you do -- tell you I am here for you, but don't show it to you via actions.

I let you have all the fun in the world, work your heart out, smell the greener grass.

And hopefully, when you tire of these mindless, aimless, minute things, you will realise what could have been. And what you could have lost."

Girl B finally realised what Girl A was doing all along. She vowed never to treat Girl A that way again, and after this, she never did.

The ending? They lived very happily in love, together forever, happily ever after.

---------------------

I don't know if she will realise. I don't know if she will see things clearly.

But I know that this time, it is up to her. I cannot do anything besides waiting for her to do something.

Because she told me just a few days ago that she would never break my heart again.

And I really hope she keeps that promise. Because I really cannot have my heart broken.

Again.

to simply put into words

2009-01-09T16:00:00.002+08:00

I am just going to sit here and wait.

Wait for her to do something. Anything. Just something.

I accept who she is, how she is like. But to not bother, and not care, to this extent, even after we have been together for so long? Where is the moderation? Where is the sudden realisation?

After so long?

I haven't said much on this in some time now. I make excuses for her, I let it go because I think that it is her thesis year, I make it okay for her because I don't want it to bother her. But some of these excuses that I make are not even valid, and I don't even know until she decides that I should know. So it makes me seem like a fool. But still I keep it to myself, and I don't say much about this.

What is hidden does not mean it is not there.

I am just going to sit here and wait.

I am going to let her do whatever she wants. If she thinks I am picking a fight out of nothing at all, and if she thinks that I am being absurd, then fine. I will just let it go and take it like the fool. I am not going to tell her what she should do. I am not going to tell her anything.

She can do whatever she wants. She can choose not to bother, not to care. Whatever she likes.

I will just sit here and wait.

The words. The promises. Fixing things, bothering, caring. I love her that much to take it all and let it go.

But now, now I guess perhaps I should just stop doing everything. Just sit and wait.

And when she is done with her thesis, when she has had all the fun, when she has finished exploring the greener grass, maybe then she will come to realise what could have been.

Maybe then she will come to realise what she might have lost.

As for the rest... well, we'll see.

I don't want my heart broken again. I can't have it broken again.

patience, the virtue.

2009-01-02T23:16:00.002+08:00

So I do not like this.

I don't think there is anything wrong in me not liking this. Patience is a virtue thy ought to have. Oh, how many times has that been reiterated. Time and again, the same phrase, said by different people to me, said by me to different people.

Some words just do not grow old, some words just do not grow weary, like we humans do.

I would like to see myself as having quite a great deal of patience. I think, if it were to compare to how I was in the past, then yes, I have a lot of patience now. And patience is a good thing, is it not?

At times, though, what Shakespeare writes in a certain scene in Measure for Measure rings true. He writes about how everything should be taken in moderation, for if consumed overly with passion, everything starts to rear its ugly little head, and anything that is overly done will have its consequences on the one who has failed to take moderation into her regards.

There are certain periods of time where I agree with Shakespeare, and certain times when I don't. In this case, well, patience is a good thing. But give someone too much patience, and there is no more moderation on that person's part. That person will use, and continue taking up the seemingly infinite patience that you give. Simply because it is there, and simply because you seem like you have a great deal of patience.

Speaking of patience makes me want to sing that Take That song, aptly titled Patience. It is the song that is in my head as I write this anyway.

Back to the topic at hand, which I think no one knows what it is about, save for me. I do not like this. I think that everyone has some purpose in being in someone else's life, and no matter what, even if you do take anyone for granted, there must be times in between that you give back, or at least, attempt to give back, when that is all that you have. You could think of giving back and do it in the simplest ways, or you could simply give back in ways that you can. I think everyone is in someone else's life for a reason, so please, unless that person is truly bad (like some people I know of), once you take someone for granted and you know it, give back. Please.

I stand guilty as charged, for I do take people for granted. The difference is that I know it, and because the situation is as it is, and circumstances now do influence situations, so I attempt to give back in the little ways that I know how, because I cannot give back in the big ways that I want to. At least not now. But at least I know, and at least I give back in whatever way I can.

I think taking people for granted and having an infinite of patience is somewhat linked. Just in case you have no idea why patience and taking things for granted come together. I think that when you appear to have a lot of patience for someone, and you show it, ultimately that person, if ever, would take a little advantage of that patience and turn it into taking things for granted. Simply because that patience is always there.

At this point of time, I have run out of steam to write or speak.

Oh, patience, the virtue. Patience is a virtue thy ought to have. But never too much, to let anyone take you for granted.

the new year of two zero zero nine

2009-01-02T00:29:00.003+08:00

Many people around the world celebrate the new year in different ways. How did you usher in the new year?

I welcomed the new year in a different way this year, and I am sure that 2009 will be a great year for me, if only because of this.

I usually spend every new year's eve with my relatives. It's quite a boisterous gathering every year, with the young cousins either running around playing, the older cousins disappearing into the room for some secret talk or with the boyfriends sticking to them like glue, if not they just gather around the tv, watching the countdown. My aunts and uncles will gather at the table, drinking and talking.

Well, this year, I ushered in the new year in a different way. The past year (aka 2008 for those who have yet to get used to 2009) was a good year for me, in more ways than one. I became quite a native in the country where my girlfriend is living in, having been there 4 times, staying there for 3 months the last time I was there. I also became closer to a friend of mine, whom I got to know through my girlfriend, and, of course, is of my girlfriend's nationality.

So this year, we decided to have a new year's eve party at his place. In other words, I celebrated the new year in a different way, with a different group of people.

Like what has been reiterated before, people around the world celebrate new year's day differently. Well, so do they. To people in Singapore, new year's eve is spent partying, and when it's time, to do the countdown and wish everyone a happy new year, and then it's back to partying. The real new year, for most Singaporeans, is on Chinese New Year, where, at that time, certain traditions are carried out, like the reunion dinner and the opening of all doors and windows, turning on of all lights, to welcome the Chinese New Year and to bring good luck to the house.

Well, last night, I learnt a great deal about how people of different nationalities welcome in the new year. And I am completely honest when I say that I had the best new year's eve party this year.

I was the only person from Singapore at the party, the others were all of my girlfriend's nationality. However, not only was I not left out, but rather, I was included in almost everything, and they made sure never to leave me out of anything. Because I understand a little of my baby's national language, I was able to decipher certain things out, but when I did not, they made certain to speak in English so that I could fathom what they were talking about.

For the entire duration of the party, I was not left out at all, and this is something I feel I should bring up. Because in Singapore, at times when you are at a party of someone whom you don't know, you inevitably feel left out, and because no one really does anything about it except the host, you inevitably still feel left out at the end of the party. In this case, I was never left out. I was made to feel like I belong, like I was part of the family, and it left me feeling pleased deep inside.

The atmosphere at the party was a laid back, happy-go-lucky one. Everyone was laughing, smiling, talking. It was boisterous, but more than just that. There was a feeling of having bonded with everyone, there was a feeling of familial closeness that you hardly ever feel at new year's eve gatherings with relatives and families.

There was plenty of food, and I mean plenty. Every dish was cooked by the hosts of the party, of which included 7 people, all of whom were not related, but just very close friends. Although it was a messy affair cooking, they were happy through it all, talking, laughing, at times screaming when the oil popped and made a mess, but they never once lost their boisterous energy and laughter. As for me, I just wandered around the kitchen, looking at the dishes they cooked, attempting to help (although I screwed up more than I helped), and just talking and laughing with them.

When it was time come midnight, everyone gathered in the kitchen, shouts of happy new year! rang out, and everyone hugged and kissed one another. Doors were opened, windows were opened, lights were turned on, to usher in the new year and the good luck that comes with it. This was a new experience for me, because I never had anything like that when I celebrated new year's with my relatives. Then it was time to eat. This, too, was new for me, because we always ate before the new year. For them, they eat when the new year arrives. Everyone gathered around the table, eating, laughing, talking, basically making the most out of the situation they were in (apart from their families), and just enjoying themselves.

Then came the drinking session. Shots and shots of tequila. Black Label. Vodka. Beer. Everything. The drinking session was a happy affair, and though I could not understand what they were speaking at times, I was never made to feel left out. Like what one of them said -- "We are family now! You are an adopted _____ (my girl's nationality)!"

Oh, the drinks and the smokes. The laughter and the energy, the happiness surrounding them. I must admit, I had the best new year's day party of my life. Or perhaps, because it was a novelty, and because it was a different way of ushering in the new year, I had a great time. A superbly great time.

Not to mention, the getting tipsy and drunk and waking the next day with the disgusting taste of alcohol still in your mouth. No, that is not a nice feeling. But yes, the party was great. I got to meet new people, I became closer to many of my friend's friends, and yes, all of a different nationality from mine. But I became a lot closer to them, we talked, and yes, they know of my girlfriend too.

But what I am about to say here is that perhaps, once we get out of that circle that we are always in, we will find that we see things in a different way. Perhaps, if we get out of the habits and customs that make us who we are, we get to experience things in a different way. Perhaps, if we just open ourselves to accepting newer things, nothing is that bad.

Because I wanted to be open, because I accept, I had the best new year's ever. And I am certain that this will be a great year for me, and for my baby. Because we are together, because she is mine and I am hers, and we will live together soon, this will be a great year for me, and for her, my love.

on new year's eve

2008-12-31T02:20:00.002+08:00

On new year's eve...

The issue between my baby and I have been sorted out. She says she does not do it on purpose, and I know her well enough to know that it is probably the attention and jealousy that she wants to incite in me that started it all. Perhaps she wanted more of my attention. (Although I have already given her more than enough attention, which is greater than what she can say for the attention she gives me.)

On new year's eve...

My girlfriend, baby, and I, have sorted out most of our problems and the main issue that was between us last week, and she has agreed to start working on things and begin fixing things. And also to stop taking me for granted and to be a nicer girlfriend to me. The thing with her is, she will agree to fix things just for the sake of agreeing, so that I will not get mad with her. This time, though, I have told her strictly that she has to begin fixing things, and continue fixing it, and I am proud to say that from her texts and the way she is with me now, she is beginning to fix things. I am proud of her.

On new year's eve...

I am staying up late to finish up the ten articles that are due later in the afternoon. Although it is a sacrifice, and although it is tough staying up late into the night when I slept late last night and woke early this morning, although it is tiring, I am enjoying the tiring process because it is something I want to do -- write. Even if it is not an original article that I am to write, even if it is simply re-writing and lots and lots of editing and summarising to make the article new again, I am glad to do it because it is something I like doing. I am embracing this tiring process simply because I have wanted it for a long time.

On new year's eve...

I am going to prove to myself that I can do it. I talked to a good friend of mine, and my baby's aunt today, and I have decided that I can do this. If everyone can do it, why can't I? Yes, the road for me maybe harder, but what I need to do is just get my ass out there and start doing something. Be more confident. Start building up connections and networks. Start proving myself to the world. And that will be enough to get me started.

On new year's eve...

I am determined to be a happier person. I am a happier person this year, compared to last year. I am a better person, I am a changed person, compared to last year. This, I can say, is because of the girl who has been behind me through it all. It has been said that behind every successful man/woman, there is another woman. I cannot say that as yet, but what I can say is that behind my changed persona, behind my happier persona, there is her -- my baby, my love. And I am determined to be a much happier person than I was last year, with her.

On new year's eve...

I am going to succeed and be happy in both my working life and my personal life. I am going to break away from the unhappy chains that bind me, and be the person that I want myself to be.

On new year's eve...

I will check out the airplane ticket prices to where my baby is soon, so that I can purchase my ticket online asap, and be happy looking forward to the time when I can be with her again next month.

On new year's eve...

I will pray before I go to sleep (as I do every night), for guidance, for peace of mind, for happiness, for everything that I have always prayed for. I will pray for my baby, that she will do well in her thesis and graduate with the award that she has always wanted. I will pray for good health, wealth, and most importantly, happiness, both for me and my girl.

On new year's eve...

I am going to make my resolutions, because I chanced upon the horoscope section in the papers today, and it said that today is a good day to start on my resolutions. So, I am going to list down my resolutions below.

On new year's eve...

These are my resolutions:

1. I will get a good job that commands a good pay -- a good job meaning a job that I want to do, that I am happy working in, with a great working environment and colleagues.

2. I will pursue my writing career -- even if it means working doubly hard and eating grass for whatever it takes -- because this is what I want to do -- write.

3. I will be there for my girl no matter what it takes -- I will be there with her during her deliberations in February 2009, and I will spend Valentine's Day with her. I will be there with my girl when we celebrate our second year anniversary together. I will be there for my girl whenever she needs me.

4. I will be a happy, healthy, and wealthy person. So will my baby, my love. And so will the people I care for. 'Nuff said.

5. I will continue having the lovely relationships that I have with my friends -- those who are near and dear to me. Friends whom I have laughed and cried with, friends whom I have travelled with, friends who have seen me in my ugliest state, doing the stupidest things, and still want to remain friends with me. Friends who, despite the difference in nationality, are still more of friends to me than can be said for others.

6. I will not be broke anymore.

7. I will finally get married to my baby love, and live with her forever.

8. I will treat my family, my friends, and those who have been good to me when I was down on my luck, when I get my first paycheck upon finding a good job. I will get my baby a PS3 or a Wii or whatever she wants when I get my first paycheck, and when she graduates March 2009.

9. I will listen to myself and treat myself well, with the kind of respect and happiness I would want myself to have.

10. Most importantly, I will love my girlfriend, my baby, for always, and be with her forever. I will finally live with her, spend my life with her, chasing our dreams together, and come home to each other everyday. I will love her with everything that I have and everything that I have got. I will treasure her with every passing day, and love her more. I will provide for her if I have to. We will finally live together in the same country and will never have to be apart anymore. We will finally fall asleep with our arms around each other for everyday and never have to worry about the time when I will have to leave her to go home -- for she will be my home and my shelter. We will wake up to each other everyday, go to work together, and come home after work together.

I will. We will.

reverberations in this mind

2008-12-27T13:01:00.002+08:00

How does it feel to be cautious, wary, uncertain, and scared?

I suppose I am all of that. All of that, and perhaps some of others.

I try not to think about it, but it keeps revolving in my mind.

How, for the past few days, her behaviour towards me was the way it was. How I made excuses for her, how I believed that it was really the festive season that caused the breakdown in communication -- because the phone lines were not working well. But yesterday, I realised she was receiving my texts, getting my calls. She just was not picking up.

Last night, when I realised the reason why she was not replying nor picking up my calls.. I don't know. I just keep thinking about that. Of how she could be replying someone else, meeting someone else, going out with someone else, and all the time her phone was ringing because I was calling her.

How do you give up all of this just for the attention, and from someone you do not like?

I feel like a fool. A fool in love. Because I love her, I seem like a fool. For constantly calling her, for constantly texting her, when all the while, while I was here reassuring her that I am always there for her and that I love her, she was there, liking the attention, going out with whomever, contacting whomever it is, texting.. I don't know.

And all this while, a fool. A fool in love.

I can be understanding. And I understand, I understand the circumstances surrounding this -- that it is someone she liked when she was young, that she likes the attention, that perhaps she just wants me to give her even more attention or try to make me jealous.

But what I cannot understand is how she can ever let it get that far. Even if it was a game, how could she let it go overboard?

What I really do not understand is how she can give all this up just for those minor things.

Didn't she know that I would know? Didn't she know that I would at least have a woman's instinct? Didn't she know that precisely because it happened before, I would know if something similar occured?

It hurts. In all honesty, it really hurts something bad. Just when I thought it would not happen again, it did. And it hurts something fierce.

Oh, if she only knew how much I miss the way things were between us just a week ago. If only she knew how much I miss how she was to me just a week ago. If only she knew how much I miss her.

Just a week, yet something as major, as unpredictable as this could happen.

I miss her. I don't know where she went to. Can't you see it hurts?

I love you. I love you just as much, because I could never love you any less.

That makes me the fool.

Where are you? Where did you go?

thoughts of just when

2008-12-27T01:05:00.003+08:00

They say a woman's instinct is oftentimes accurate.

A while ago, she told me some things on the phone.

And she told me enough for me to realise that my suspicions were not suspicions at all.

It broke my heart. I do not understand how, just when I thought we had put this behind us, just when I thought we had a good year because nothing major happened between us and we are still as deeply in love, holding this relationship as strongly as our love is, this occurred.

I understand that the circumstances behind this. I understand this is someone she liked when she was young.

But what I cannot understand is how she can turn her behaviour towards me around. What I cannot understand is how she can act the way she did towards me, just because she was tempted, and because she liked the attention.

It broke my heart, because she could give all of this up just for that. It broke my heart, because she could suddenly change the way she was towards me, she could alter her behaviour towards me and treat me the way she did, because she was tempted and she liked the attention.

I thought that as long as I was always there for her, it would be okay. I thought that so long as I made her see that I love her, and I will always love her, it would make things okay. I thought that as long as I love her and accept her for who she is, we were good. I thought that so long as I contacted her throughout the day, talked to her every night, just let her know how much I love her and that I am always there for her, we would be great.

I thought wrong.

I am of the belief that if you love the person you are with, and you love her completely and wholly, none of these things would occur.

I love her completely, I love her wholly.

How could she do this again?

Am I not enough for her? Did I do something wrong? Did I love her too much? Too little? Did I not give her enough attention? I know I do. I know it.

So why?

I spoke to her with a very calm and practical exterior that hid the emotional turmoil in me. I was not angry, I was not mad at her. I was just sad. I was just so sad the moment she started telling me about it, because I knew something was coming up. Half the time when I was talking to her, I was silently crying and she knew none of it, because I sounded so practical and calm.

But oh, how it hurts. How it hurts. When I think of her behaviour towards me the past few days, when I think of how she acted towards me just for this thing, oh, how it hurts.

I love her. I love her so completely that I don't know what to do or say. I love her so much that hearing about this hurts.

Oh, if only you needed me as much as I need you. If only you wanted me like I want you.

I just want you to love me completely, wholly. I just want you, for once, to stay with me, committed, in love with me, showing me with words and with actions just how much you love me, without getting tempted, without giving me up for someone's attention.

This hurts, admitting that perhaps you might not need me. Admitting that perhaps you might not want me. As much as I do.

I don't know what to do.

But I love you. I still love you. I still love you as much.
I could never love you any less.

If only...

I miss the way we used to be. I miss how you were to me.

I miss you.

Where are you, other than here inside my heart?

one way to another way

2008-12-26T13:31:00.002+08:00

Do you think that it is in the things you say, or the things you do not say?

Some words that she says, they reverberate around my head.

Some things that shes does not say, but which her actions or lack thereof speak on her behalf, echo around in my head.

Either way, the things she says, or does not say, bounce around the walls of my mind.

It was not always like this. I can still remember, vividly, recent times when she still cared, or cared more than she does now. I can still remember recent times when I felt secure and loved. I can still remember recent times when I did not overanalyse because I was insecure, when I did not read too much into things because I was very certain.

But with just the lack of actions, each day it accumulates, and suddenly, I find myself insecure and uncertain. For most part of the the month, she has already seemed self-absorbed, more for herself than for anyone else.

Then it becomes the lack of actions. And all of a sudden, I am left trying to chase her shadow while she disappears. I don't know if it is because she does not care as much, or maybe she is just testing me. Perhaps the phone lines haven't worked properly in three days. Maybe she is just stressed. But I do not believe that workload is to be blamed for anything, for, if ever, precisely because of the workload, one would be more inclined to run to the one she loves.

Like a fool, I still do the same things for her everyday. Texting her, calling her, keeping in contact with her, just letting her know that I am there. Calling her even if I know she might not pick up. Yet she can receive each and every one of my texts, but not reply. But for me to let her know that I am there is imperative. Because it is long distance, letting her know that I am always there with her, for her, not forgetting about her, is important. It does not speak the same for her, perhaps.

She speaks of her workload because of her thesis. I understand, so I do not make a huge fuss when we do not contact each other for awhile, for the time she is working. But after the work is our time together each night. Yet, there is something about it that makes me think she does not value it as much as I do.

I do not know if she needs me. I do not know if she wants me. I am not certain if she still loves me as much. I am not unsure as to whether she is falling out of love with me. I do not know if she needs me, wants me, loves me.

She does not seem like she needs me around. No, not in so long.

If the need, the wanting, or the love is gone, what more do I have to say?

signing in again

2008-12-21T17:28:00.003+08:00

Back after a short hiatus.

I realise that time is passing so fast. It seemed so slow to me, yet the minute I turn my back on time, it seems to fly past. In a blink of an eye, a year is almost done and it is nearly Christmas. It does not even seem like Christmas to me, if not for all the Christmas songs and decorations and the heavier traffic than usual when I drive.

In a few days I will be starting my stint as a freelance writer online for an internet and e-commerce business, writing marketing articles (I suppose) and maintaining a blog for them. It does not pay well, and of course, there is the topic of remuneration that has yet to be discussed, but by next week, everything should be finalised. If all goes well, then well, we'll see how it goes from there.

I don't know what it is, but I feel like I have many more things on my mind than what I used to have when I was still studying. It's funny, because when I was in Uni, I used to think that my main worry was graduating, and upon graduating, there would be lesser things to worry about. Boy, was I wrong. I find out now that after graduating, there are so many more things to worry about, so many things to think about. I find myself having ceaseless things on my mind all the time. Getting a job, financial woes, annoyances, lies and facades to keep up with, everything.

I also think that my tolerance level is just about there. Just about reaching its limit, and once that blinker starts beeping red, that's a sign that my tolerance has been outlived. I seriously do not know how I managed to tolerate and live with the parents/the family for so long, because now that the rose-tinted glasses have been taken off, I finally start to see the flaws and cracks and inadvertable issues that will soon cause a riot, a flood, a chaotic situation, whatever it is, in this house.

The family I live in is full of contradictions, and full of tiny cracks that seem to be hidden, but can so easily be exposed. And once these cracks get exposed, they start splitting up into larger holes that are on the verge of caving in. In other words, the gel that binds these cracks together is not a very good one at that. Most of the time, I keep my own council and don't say a word about it. Most of the time, I tolerate. Most of the time, I ignore it and shut my mouth because I don't want to utter or interfere with something that to me, is so pointless.

But I think this tolerance that I have is reaching its limit, for I find myself starting to react and argue and tell whoever it is to please keep quiet. The thing is, this whole issue of the cracks becoming larger holes, has got nothing whatsoever to do with me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. So I don't like being the target, just because the intended one is not around.

Now that I see this family for what it is, I start to wonder how anyone could tolerate it for so long. My elder sister has moved out almost two years now, and yes, we are still just as close, perhaps even closer, but now I start to wonder how she tolerated it. Soon, soon, once I get a steady job that pays enough, it is my turn to move out. So what if I rent a room that isn't as large as this house. So what is I rent a room and therefore become poorer as a result. Who cares? What matters is my own freedom, my own independence, my own peace and quiet, and of course, that I can do whatever I want without having to tolerate or be annoyed daily.

Don't get me wrong, I am not being unfilial, nor am I being ungrateful. Yes, in most families here where I live, moving out before marriage is seen as disrespectful and ungrateful to the parents. It is seen as a disgrace (especially to those parents who do not will not and can not dammit understand why) and could cause an irreparable rift between children and parents. But oh, I am willing to risk all of that and move out.

I do not see myself as being unfilial or ungrateful. I do not see myself as being revengeful or emotional. In fact, I am about as sensible and practical as I can get. And what I know is this -- I am grateful to the parents for giving me life, for bringing me up in such a luxurious world with such luxurious surroundings and the best of what money can buy. And I know that as long as I have a stable income, I will try to provide for the parents to the best of my ability.

But my life is my own. And in order to not go crazy, in order to not become the mother, in order to not become an ugly person, I want to lead my own life. Have my own set of rules and personality. Be the person that I can, should, and will be. My life is my own.

Soon. Soon. Next year, after I go to look for my baby and live with her for awhile, upon my return, upon securing a good job, I will have that. My own life. I will.

just keep on going

2008-11-29T23:25:00.002+08:00

How are you with persistence, rejection, and change?

Of course, it differs based on the type of person you are. So, which type of a person are you when it comes to these three emotions?

When faced with rejection, what do you do? Does your pride take over you, do you put up an immediate guard and adopt a couldn't-care-less attitude? Or do you accept it as part of life, feel sorry for a little while, and continue on your ceaseless adventure of the search for whatever it is you're looking for? Or maybe you are the rash one, the type who gets mad with the world when you get rejected.

Which one are you? Or, more appropriately, who are you?

I used to think that I was type 1 -- the one who lets pride take me over, then erect such a concrete barrier that nothing gets past that wall of mine, and I pretend I don't give a damn about the world. I realise now that perhaps, when people grow up, so, too, do their feelings and emotions and everything else they carry with them in their little grown up selves.

Rejection is common now, in this life that I dare to call mine. In my quest for a job, rejection is common. More accurately, in search of that dream job of mine, rejection has taken its common place with me. Oh, I do not doubt that if I couldn't bother about the kind of job that I wanted, I would have already been accepted into some company or the other. But it's a dream job, so my choice of jobs has been narrowed quite considerably.

I want to be a writer. What type of a writer, I don't know yet. Perhaps, in trying out a variety of writing styles, most probably I will be able to discover the writer in me. Technical writing, business writing, advertisement writing, report writing, copy writer, editor, columnist, blogger, author, oh the list goes on.

In this country, it is tough being a writer, if only because this country is so focused on businesses that aspiring writers, the budding arts community and the literary and performing arts sector are often left behind. Even the amount of jobs available for editors/writers of all kinds are at a minimum. Of course, the recession isn't helping as well.

I have applied for a few freelance writing jobs. Only then did I taste the bitterness of rejection. For a while, that is. Right at the beginning, I couldn't accept much of it. But after some time, it just becomes part and parcel of life, and you just continue going on, you know what I mean. I have no experience. My degree is not in anything related to journalism or communications and arts. My working experience thus far has not been anything writing-related. I have no idea how to begin my portfolio or a sample of my writings.

But I just write. Just write, and perhaps, after writing for a long long time, something will come my way.

Something did come my way, for a while, that is. Well, at least that is a sign that I'm not stupid, that my educational qualifications are actually something to be proud of. For a while I actually thought I was so stupid that I could not get any job. I got to be a freelance writer, if only for a few assignments. It's better than nothing, and it's a start and an experience, at the very least. My style of writing, however, did not suit the person I was writing for, because my sentences are not simple at all. But well, it's a start, and it's a nice start, at least.

Currently I am shortlisted to be a part-time blogger, writer, and internet administrator for a company based here. I hope it turns out all right, for one sweet candy in the midst of that bitterness would be a lovely thing to experience right now. Trust me, being penniless in order to search for your dream job is not an awesome experience, believe me.

I used to think I don't do well with rejection, but that part of me is changing, I believe. Right now, no matter what rejections I face, I just keep right on going. I just keep writing, building up my so-called portfolio and writing samples that I do not know how to do, and I just keep right on writing and applying. Persistence, after all, comes after rejection has made its point. Change, it comes together with persistence.

It is my dream job that I am fighting for, and for that, I need all the persistence that I can get, and swallow all the rejection that comes my way. Learn from it, and persist even more.

For I believe that dream jobs are supposed to be that bit harder. If dream jobs were so easy to come by, then there wouldn't be much of a point in calling it a dream job, ain't it so?

Just keep writing. Keep writing, and one day, something will come my way.

you look on while i dance

2008-11-29T00:29:00.002+08:00

I wonder why it is that some people can always get away with some things, but I always fail to get away with so many things.

So I get it all. Yes, I understand it now.

There is still plenty more that I do not understand.

Like how come it is that it has never been considered, but once in a while, give me a break, please?

Or like how there are too many things that I don't bring up or don't fight about, but forgive easily, so please, think a little on my behalf and give me a break, please?

Or like how I usually take everything and anything, so if there is a day that I don't, perhaps it is because that day is just a day that I cannot take, so please give me a break and don't show me your attitude?

Or like how I don't ask for so many things, so when I do ask, please don't make me feel like I'm not entitled to it?

Or perhaps, if ever I do go out of line, please think that I am not the only one, and I don't do it as often, and perhaps, please also consider that perhaps I just got pushed so much because... just because...?

There are times when I really don't know what to do, and I could cry a river just thinking about what I should do or should not do.

There are times when I am so lost, I don't know what I should be doing anymore. Isn't this about giving and taking? Why, when I admit so many things about myself, change so many things about me, you just cannot admit some things about yourself, or even that perhaps your attitude isn't what it should be now?

Why, at times, am I dancing to all the steps, and why do you just stand there with the crowd, refusing to dance?

There are times that you refuse to meet my eyes, so you don't see the look in my eyes when I dance alone.

Are your eyes sad like mine?

things that annoy VS things that do not annoy

2008-11-25T00:51:00.003+08:00

These are the things that annoyed me today:

1) That asshole who walked out of the lift without so much as a 'thank you' or a nod of acknowledgement when I held the lift door open for him. As if I was the elevator girl. At least elevator girls get paid. My act of graciousness was not paid.

2) That asshole's kids who did nothing except stare at me while I held the lift door open for them. Then again, if their dad did not utter 'thank you', I doubt his kids would.

3) The mom who keeps assuming the silliest things that have totally no link to anything at all, and for always using the wrong vocabulary words to describe them. And then expecting me to react, and when I tell her not to bother, she gets all riled up.

4) That selfish self-centred sister who has no mind of her own and expects the world to do everything for her, and when no one does shit for her, she starts throwing her tantrums. It's not as if she is 10. Hello, there is such a thing as doing your own stuff if you want to get it done. No one is here to do your shit for you, especially if your shit stinks to hell and back. This isn't exactly the Wizard of Oz, and you aren't exactly Dorothy, so don't expect to snap your fingers 3 times and see everything get done for you. Spoilt Selfish Insensible.

5) That woman who thinks she isn't being annoying by standing behind me all the time while I am having my dinner, just because my sister's dog is with us. It really is kinda annoying, having you stand behind my chair all the time while I eat. I feel as if I am being guarded while eating. Total lack of freedom.

6) Those people who think that being lesbian is a disease and that lesbianism is something that should be banned and can be changed. No, I do not want to change myself. I am as happy as can be. In fact, I am probably ten times happier than you, you, or anyone of you. By the way, being a lesbian is not a disease. Thinking about lesbianism as a disease, now, that is a disease.

7) The rude commuters who push their way into the train when I am trying my darnest to exit the train. What happened to all the courtesy campaigns and the signs that tell you to please let alighting commuters exit first? Just because you are middle-aged and own an umbrella does not mean that you jab your umbrella into my leg so that you can enter before I exit. Don't you know that I will push you back doubly hard?

8) My cellphone because it had to run out of battery at the exact same time when finally, I get to talk to baby in the nice way that I miss.

9) The weather, because it was so fucking humid and warm the whole of today that havin 3 fans turned on at the same time did not really work.

Well, what do you know. I stopped just short of having ten annoyances today.

Anyway, these are the things that made me happy today.

1) J. Eisenhower, my sister and her boyfriend's dog, because just that cute adorable look on her cute face when I stroke her and scratch behind her ears just makes me smile. The gaze of adoration when she looks up at me with her tongue hanging out and her tail wagging in excitement is enough to supercede everyone of those annoyances. (Okay, most, but not all.)

2) I finally managed to get a seat on the train today. And a bright pink seat at that.

3) I did not have to commute home today; my sister's boyfriend was gracious and nice enough to send me all the way home.

4) I know how to sing (complete, with the whole lyrics) the song that has been stuck in my head for days. And it's a foreign-language song at that. (which my baby knows how to sing obviously.)

5) I found a new fascinating channel on Cable TV. Awesome. Just when I thought that cable was dying, I found a new channel, with Law & Order back to back and CSI back to back. Totally awesome.

6) I am going to get some money from my sister and her boyfriend.

7) This week is ending soon, which means that next week, I will be seeing my baby love for a few days. (Which always means lots of great making out and lots of wonderful kisses, and awesome tons of fantastic marvelous sex!)

8) I managed to get a writing assignment, and although it pays little, at least it's a start and I can finally put freelance writer in my resume.

9) That my girl actually texted me almost throughout the entire day today. Actually, the entire day today. That's a start. Of course, that she actually is working on her thesis now, is also a good sign.

10) I finally got to talk to baby in that nice way that we always used to talk to, before she got all stressed and I got all irritated. It was the loving, sweet-nothings, whining and cute way of talking, and I love it.

Seems that the things that made me happy today beat the things that annoyed me today. What do you know?? Apparently many small little things do make me happy.

In the competition of things that annoy me versus things that do not annoy me, the latter has won.

Here's a gold medal to the things that make me happy.

feel like makin' love

2008-11-23T00:11:00.002+08:00

I've decided that since I seldom talk about making love, today's post shall be a making love post.

So, what do you like about making love with your partner? Is it just the feeling of sex itself? The intimacy? The loving feeling of not having to say anything to your partner because she knows just what to do at exactly the right time? The comfortable feeling of making love to the one you love? Maybe it's just the satisfaction of your sex drive, of your being horny? Or maybe it is just the end product itself, your climax?

I think I know what it is I like about making love. Sometimes it changes, though. But most of the time its constant, and I'm glad its constant. Okay, so my sex drive isn't as high as my partner. Okay, so sometimes I'm so lazy and sleepy to make love. (But I still do, or else its death by shooting myself in the foot!) But I should think I do know what it is I like about making love.

I am the type who needs some foreplay before sex. I cannot go straight into sex, I don't know why. Some people are just of the type where its wham bam thank you mam. The hand goes straight into the undies, undies off, and its the deed itself, touching, inserting, what nots. I can't, I don't know why. I can't just go straight into the hand into undies kinda thing.

Perhaps I'm of a more romantic nature, or maybe I'm just me, but it has to start with the slow gentle kisses that slowly escalate into the passionate long tongue kisses, and then the kisses everywhere, from my lips down to every part of my body. It has to start from there, else I just won't feel it as much. There have only been one or two occasions (mostly when I'm tipsy), that it's the direct approach of wham bam thank you mam.

Thankfully enough, she knows just how I like it, and she never fails to do it. Always the foreplay first, before the deed itself. And of course, I know just how she likes it. (Forgive me for boasting, I just have to.)

She is someone who makes love based on her mood. At times its the slow, sexy, gentle making love. At times its the slightly rougher kind. At times its the role playing kind. But the ultimate deed always comes in a package (like what she says) for her. Three things that need to be done simultaneously, and fortunately enough, I can do all three.

So anyway, what I like about making love? I guess its the intimacy, and the sense of comfort I get from making love to the one who loves and knows me so well. The feeling of not having to say anything, and if I have to, not having to feel embarrassed or bad about it. The intimacy of me and her, in our world of love, making love, holding on to each other when we climax, having that someone we love to hold on to when we climax and after we do, the snuggling and cuddling and gentle kisses.

I can never separate love from sex. I wonder if you can? I can't, because well, I just don't see the point of making love if there isn't love. Maybe it's my priorities in life, I don't know. But I have never been a fan of separating love and sex. For me it's a package. A partnership. They come together -- love and sex.

After all, there's a reason why sex is also alternatively known as making love, yes?

What about you?

19

2008-11-22T00:40:00.002+08:00

One year and seven months today. (Or rather, yesterday.)

I do not consciously keep count of the years and months that we've been together. Rather, it is a subconscious thing, because somehow, when the 21 of each month arrives or is arriving, somehow my mind rings that alarm clock in me and I realise.

This length of time is sufficient enough for me to know a lot of things about her. Her idiosyncrasies, her little habits and superstitions, her enunciations and tones when she feels a load of different emotions, her character, things like these.

I guess there isn't much of a reason for this post, just that I felt like writing.

Talking to a friend today over tea and cakes made me realise that there are some things that you just learn to live with. The reasons behind these may be unclear, but whatever it may be, you learn to live with it, rather than letting it get to you. The reason behind this is simple -- if you really care and love enough of the other person, you learn to live with the things that you know you can live with, instead of making a big fuss about it.

It's more of the fact that you've already known so much about this person that she, being herself, supercedes any of the bad habits or things that you cannot really stand, so that being the case, you learn to live with it.

Then I got to thinking of how I got to accepting and living with so many of her tiny idiosyncrasies that if it all suddenly disappears, it would feel rather weird, because they make up those tiny atoms that will make up the tiny molecules that will make up -- her.

Like how it is just not in her nature to be expressive. Like how she does not text me as much unless I text her first or I remind her to. Like how when she starts speaking in a certain tone, I know she is either too stressed or scared but pretending to be alright. Like how she acts in this certain way and I know that it is because she is insecure or unhappy. Like how when she suddenly keeps quiet or talks lesser, I know it is because of one of these three reasons.

Of course, let's not forget the things I learnt about her when we lived together and slept beside each other for 3 months.

Things like how, when we make love and she starts to breathe in this certain way when I touch her, I know she is about to come. Like how I know when it's the right time to touch her just at the right places. Like how I know her most sensitive spot and the things she likes me to do. Things like how, when she comes, I know exactly the sounds she will make, and what she will do or say. And like how I know that after she comes, she will act in this certain way or the other.

Things like how, when she sits up in the middle of the night, I know she is still asleep but her mind is still thinking about other things, and all it takes is a gentle patting and caressing of her back to get her to lie back down and fall asleep. Like how, when she starts whining and making noise in the middle of the night, I know she is either looking for something to hug or wants me to hug her. Like how, early in the morning, she turns to me and starts looking for my arm, and I know she wants me to snuggle up to her and hold her to sleep. Like how she falls asleep on my arm and drools on me, and she and I both know that we don't care about that.

It is these tiny little things that I know about her that makes my heart melt until now, that makes my heart either race or skip a beat. It is these tiny little things I know about her that makes me realise that I accept her fully, the way she is, and anything else that might come along, I learn to live with it.

I guess that's just it. She is the way she is, and I love her the way she is.

Aww now, this really is a sickeningly sweet post.

thoughts or not

2008-11-19T11:43:00.002+08:00

New day, new thoughts?

So, we argued last night. She didn't think she was at fault, I didn't think I was at fault. Where I would have otherwise given in usually, I didn't want to last night, because I felt like I really wanted to get her to understand, but she didn't want to understand me. So I didn't want to understand her. Yes, it is that confusing and that stupid.

I guess I didn't give in last night because I was already frustrated and pushed to the brink. I usually would have given in, I know I would. But well, it's hard to always give in when she just goes off for more than a week, is exceedingly rude and acting as if she doesn't have to do anything in this relationship, I can just do it all, and I just was pushed to the brink. It isn't that I do not understand her position, in fact, I more than do, because I know how she is like. But still, I don't understand how, when she has time in between, she chooses to do other stuff rather than reassure her girlfriend that she is there.

We kinda settled things a little last night before she fell asleep. She promised to be better and take the initiative more, and I said I would not argue with her as much. So, I should be thinking -- new day, new thoughts?

Well, I thought that it should start out as just texting me in the morning even when I don't text her. I thought it should maybe begin like that, for she did mention something like this. Guess what? No. She did not text at all. Since this day has begun, she has not texted at all.

I thought that perhaps when she said she would do something about it, I really thought that for once she would. But I guess I was sorely expecting nothing, because so far, there isn't anything from her. As usual it is just the silence, the not bothering to contact, whatever it may be.

I am not so much pissed as baffled. If she didn't plan on doing this at all, then why spout a shitload of stuff to me last night?

I don't know, and maybe I don't want to know. There could be plenty of reasons for why she isn't doing anything, and I am giving her chances and making excuses for her, because knowing her, there could really be plenty of reasons why she isn't doing this.

So, for now, I am not pissed, nor really that upset, I am just taking my chances, giving myself a break, giving her a break, and thinking that perhaps she really does have a legitimate reason why she isn't doing anything.

We'll see.

two sides of everything

2008-11-18T01:29:00.002+08:00

There are two sides to a coin, and similarly, there are two viewpoints to any feelings or problems.

I feel this way, and she feels that.

She knows nothing of my life now. She knows nothing of what has been happening to me or anything regarding me or the relationship now.

In my opinion, I have been supporting her all the way. I have been nice and tolerable to her moods and temper and ignoring me. I have been there for her all the time. I have even gone so far as to plan something for her in 2 weeks because I know she is feeling the stress and everything else that comes with her thesis.

But everything has its limits, and lately she has been much worse. We do not contact each other, or rather, she does not contact me the entire day, until I start reminding her. When she is on her breaks, she remembers everyone else, remembers to contact everyone else, but when it comes to contacting me, it seems to require a huge amount of effort just to ask me about my day or how I am coming along. It even seems to require a substantial amount of effort to tell me she loves me.

I guess everyone functions differently under duress, but this is going way too far. I have been through that tough time before in school, just as she is now, but I set aside time for her each time I have my breaks. We don't even talk now, and she has become very adept at hanging up on me, or putting down the phone on me in a rude way when we talk. We talk for maybe 5 minutes, maybe less. Just awhile ago, we talked for 2 minutes. Actually, if I did not hang on to the phone, we would have probably talked for all of 30 seconds.

I understand what she is going through. I understand the stress and madness that she is going through. I understand how busy she is. What I do not understand is how, in the midst of this stress and madness and busyness, she cannot seem to spare some kinda thought or reassurance for me, to let me know that despite all these, she is still there. At the end of the day, when she is done for the night, she doesn't talk to me either.

I get that she is tired. I get all of that. But out of 1 whole week and even more, it has been this way. There is no sign that she has a girlfriend. I totally understand that she is tired at the end of every day. Yet I don't think contacting your girlfriend, reassuring her that you are still there, telling her that you love her, takes up much of your time, or causes you even more tiredness. If anything, the fact that your girl is still there for you and still loves you should motivate you to work more, because who else loves you that much to let you be this way?

I told her about it just now, and we got into a quarrel. Well, simply put, I do not think that in any circumstances, you should take anyone for granted.

I don't know how to describe how I feel. Sometimes, I feel as if it is almost like I have given up, especially when she decides not to contact me for the entire day, and I do not contact her either.

How much do you know about my life now? What do you bother to know about your girlfriend now?

I understand that you are busy and stressed and uptight about your thesis, so I don't tell you about all of these, and I try as much not to text you or contact you too much.

You don't say I love you, unless I remind you to.

Still, I am always on your side.

lucky?

2008-11-15T01:08:00.003+08:00

I once read an entry on baby's diary, where she listed down everything she was grateful and lucky for.

Do you feel lucky?

This is one of those moments where I feel incredibly lucky. Granted, there are still certain things that can get me upset or depressed, but these things in life are inevitable. It is only how one's perspective is like, and how one handles it, is it not?

Tonight is one of those nights where upon pondering, I feel immensely lucky. Lucky, because of a great many things.

I am lucky and grateful because everything that I worked for is turning out good. Perhaps because I chose not to give up, maybe because I chose to persist, but whatever it may be, I feel so lucky to have her. I feel incredibly lucky and grateful that I am with my baby, and that I have her. I do not deny that the first few months were tough and rough, I admit that there were times when the quarrels just got to me, and of course, there was once or twice when we broke up.

However, I am glad that neither she nor I gave up. Because, look where it has gotten us now. This never giving up, this persistence, this loving no matter how tough or far the distance is, look where it has gotten us. We are now on our own magical journey to Never Never Land, a wondrous kingdom where a happily ever after actually exists. There actually is a happily ever after for us after all. Things are going well for the both of us. In fact, things are going perfectly more than fine. Yes, we have those few fights, and we have those intense fights where she gets super pissed and I get intolerable. But who doesn't?

I feel so incredibly lucky to be with her, to have her. My baby.

Of course, I also feel very lucky to have these friends of mine who are with me through it all. Perhaps it is when we listen to the troubles and worries of others that we truly come to appreciate what we really have. And I am very lucky to have these friends of mine whom I can be so comfortable with, whom I can just talk to about nothing and everything, who stick with me through it all. These friends whom I have known for almost 10 years now, we still are just as close, we still stick together and keep in touch regardless of where we are, what we do now.

I appreciate, too, that I have a comfortable house that I can go home to. Granted, my family is not exactly one of those close-knitted ones, and I, for one, would really like having my own space and my own freedom and independence. There is something about me that really gets frustrated and annoyed when I start spending more than a day with my family. But of course, regardless, I appreciate having a comfortable home.

There are too many things in life that we take for granted, and I suppose this is one of those nights where I start pondering and remembering everything and everyone that I have around me.

These times should come more often. Or maybe, there should be some kind of guide to guide us through those times when we take everything for granted.

What do you say to taking chances?

enunciating emotions

2008-11-10T16:35:00.003+08:00

like the powerful gravitational force of the Black Hole
swirling stars and dust around and around the black pit
thoughts and words whirling around in my mind
words that were said, harsh comments that were hurled
all twirl and whirl inside, dizzy, disoriented.

unbelievable, the things we hole up inside
unthinkable, the things we do when provoked
inconceivable, the thoughts we have when angry
implausible, the words we say when we want to hurt.

to understand, it is not an easy concept
to try to understand, it requires patience and tolerance
at times, understanding is of great importance
and to understand that understanding is pertinent,
takes patience, tolerance, love, and a listening ear.

it is a world full of contradictions
all it takes is a little understanding and listening
step into my world
perhaps contradictions will be easier understood.

too much becomes too little
passiveness becomes not bothering
give a little of yourself to me
give a little of myself to you

insults hurled, emotions made fun of, feelings laughed at
attempting to explain, in order to let one understand
dramatic, melodramatic, do i even have a life?
step out of it already, stop it already, it's not as if..

step back, head bowed, shoulders hunched against the cold
there can only be a battle if both parties want to fight
there was no battle won or lost.

the intention to hurt
comes with the knowledge of what hurts most
spitting it out, hurling those daggers
for what hurts most is the intention

still i fall for you.

this thing called..

2008-11-07T00:36:00.002+08:00

What is it about this thing called love?

What is it about this thing called love that causes your body to react in certain ways, and causes you to think and act differently?

Endorphins, perhaps, are released. Or maybe it is some hormone or another that is produced when one is in love. But this funny little thing called love, oh, we may laugh at it. Oh, we may scold it. Oh, we may be jaded with it. Oh, we may speak sarcastically of it. But oh, how each one of us craves it.

Craving to be loved, wanting to be loved. What is it about love, you may ask?

Well, it is the racing of your heart. It is the beating of your heart. It is the way your heart stops when you look at her. It is the way your heart melts when her idiosyncrasies are displayed for you to see. It is the way you look forward to talking to her every night, seeing her everyday, even if you have been together for so long. It is in the way each time you receive a text that has her name as its sender, your heart still gives a little jolt.

Or maybe, it is something more than that. What, exactly, is love, you may ask?

I suppose it differs for each one of us. It could be the way her bright summer smile wipes away the clouds and rain from your eyes. It could be the way she knows what to say and do at the right time, be it when you are sad or frustrated. Or, it might be how only she is able to elicit that light, truly happy and elated laughter from you. Perhaps it could be how she snuggles up to you after making love, never immediately falling asleep.

Oh, this crazy little thing called love. How much we want it, how much we need it, how much we crave it.

I do think that love knows its effect on others. I do think that love is precisely this unfathomable thing because it wants everyone who has it to cherish it, to treasure it. I think that love is this uncertain feeling because the journey is as important as the ending, and love wants each one of us to know that. I think love, at times, could be difficult, just so we would cherish and love the other person more. I think that love wants us to go hand in hand in search of it, and travel hand in hand to all its wondrous destinations that it beholds.

I suppose love is love, because it is only this way that love's effect on people is still just as magical and wonderful.

Oh, this thing called love.

And that is why she and I, together, are still just as magical, just as wonderful, just as much in love as we have never been before.

the law of opposites and attraction

2008-11-04T00:56:00.003+08:00

Opposites do really attract. Opposites do really have a forever together.

Perhaps it is because I finally talked to her for quite a long time today, and also perhaps because finally she got load to text me. Whatever it is, today turned out quite okay, because we talked. I was right, I was never wrong about it right from the start -- she makes my day turn out fine. She calms me down, and she makes my day end the way it should be -- glad and happy that I have her.

We talked about a great deal of things, but something that we spoke of keeps surfacing in my mind. I told her that we are two different people, and she agreed. I never used to believe that opposites attract, but now, it has been proven wrong. I have proven myself wrong, because my gosh, not only do opposites attract, opposites really do see a forever together.

Do you see that? Opposites attract, and opposites see through to a forever together. She is as different from me as we are similar. Oh, we are similar in so many ways -- the way we think of some certain things, the way we act when it comes to liking someone and loving someone, the way we think and the timing that we do so, even if we are far apart. But we are different in so many ways too.

She prefers the materialistic, I prefer the inner, emotional. And we fit perfectly, because I am able to give her the materialistic satisfaction that she wants, and she is able to give me the inner, emotional satisfaction that I want. That is not to say that she does not want inner, emotional satisfaction too. She wants it, she needs it, and I am also able to give that satisfaction to her. Likewise, I may want or need the materialistic, and she is able to give that to me, when she has the ability to. Yet the simple fact that I am able to give her the materialistic that she prefers, and she is able to give me the inner, emotional that I prefer, speaks volumes about how opposites attract and how we stay together for so long.

She likes being around people whom she is comfortable with; on the contrary, I like my own privacy, when I can get it. And we are both able to get that when we are together, when we live together. When we lived together for the 3 months that I was there, I was able to get my own privacy when I was living with her, because my baby, she subtly knows when I want my own space, and she just gives it to me by letting me do my own things, by letting me do what I want without saying anything. And likewise, I know baby does not like being alone, hence I do not leave her alone when she lives with me.

She likes design as much as I like books and music. And we are able to appreciate each other's likes, despite liking something else. I am able to appreciate her love for design, and as stupid as I may be when it comes to design, I can actually appreciate the beauty of design, thanks to her. Similarly, she is able to appreciate books and music, and we can talk about our likings without any awkward silences in between.

She likes sleeping, and she sleeps early, whereas I am a night person, I stay up late. Yet when we live together, somehow it just fits perfectly. We just fit and suit each other perfectly. Those 3 months that we lived together, when she wanted to sleep early, she just snuggled into my arms and fell asleep, while I cuddled her to me and I stayed up late, watching TV or reading. I didn't ask of her to stay up to accompany me, because she didn't need to. Even when she sleeps, she accompanies me all the time, simply because she loves snuggling up to my arms and my body when she sleeps.

Of course, this also means that there are nights when we cannot make sweet love, because it gets late when we get home, and she wants to sleep. But it just takes accommodating, and I just let her go to sleep, because I know there will be another night to make sweet love. Likewise, there are nights when she will stay up with me just to watch a movie or talk, even when I can see her sleepy eyes and I know she is falling asleep while watching the movie. And of course, there are nights when we both make sweet love till early morning arrives, and of course, then it is perfectly fine because we are both sated and satisfied by love.

Now that I am back here and she is where she is, this matter of her sleeping early and me staying up late does not bother either of us anyway. She is a homebody, she likes staying home. I am a wanderer, I am always going out. Yet, these opposites still attract. I make my way home early, just so I can talk to her on the phone every night, so that she can still sleep early. Similarly, she will stay up to wait for me to call her, on the nights that I might be home slightly late, or commuting home takes longer than usual.

It is these tiny acts of giving and taking. It is these tiny acts of accommodation. It is these tiny acts that prove our love and commitment to each other. Before, I could not quite see it this way. But now, I do.

It is these tiny acts of love, faith, trust, commitment, and accommodation that proves that opposites really attract, and that opposites do really stay with each other through to a forever. Because we are the epitome of it all.

back to this

2008-10-30T00:32:00.003+08:00

It is back to relying on technology, trust, and each other's heart.

Been back home for 3 days now. There is always this question of how it feels to be back home.

I am trying to readjust back to the life that I lead here. The double, sometimes triple lives that I lead here. I am trying to readjust my mentality to accept the lack of freedom, the lack of independence, the lack to do what I want to do openly again. Adjustment, change. It is all about that. Always about that.

This time, it is harder. Harder because I was away for 3 months, so it is difficult to adjust back to life fast enough. This time, I am not fast enough for this overly rapid, fast-forward country that I live in. It is tougher. Tougher because of so many factors, out of which every little one needs considerable thinking.

I miss her. I miss her terribly. I don't know if she does, I don't know if she misses me as much as I miss her. I find myself wanting to talk to her so often, I find myself wanting to be reassured by her presence, that she is still here for me, that she still remembers me. On the other hand, now that I am back here, her texts have lessened considerably. Perhaps because I am not there, there isn't a need to text me as often. Her attention towards me seems to have lessened. I don't know.

But I miss her, and that remains a fact. I miss her so much it is almost impossible to put into words. When I get slightly annoyed or pissed with her, as I did on the phone awhile ago, it gets worse because I know I can't just reach over and touch her, I can't just reach over and pull her to me and tell her not to get mad, or wait for her to come to me and hug me and tell me not to get pissed with her. I can't, because we are in two different countries now. I don't know how to feel about that. I suppose I am slightly annoyed, but more of sad.

Things feel so different back here. I feel considerably empty, like I have no one to go home to any longer. I don't feel like I am going home to anyone when I go home. It feels empty, because going home, when I was with her, meant going home to her, or going home with her, or waiting for her to come home to me. It is empty, in a way.

I haven't been sleeping well since I returned back. I can't seem to fall asleep. I prolong going to bed because going to bed meant thinking, since I can't fall asleep. I end up texting her because I can't fall asleep, and then I feel like I am disturbing her, because it is always my 3, 4 or 5 texts to her 1 text. For the past 2 nights, I have been lying awake for more than an hour, just thinking, tossing and turning, attempting to fall asleep. I smell her beside me, I smell her to sleep, I envision myself putting my arm around her. Then I realise that it isn't real, that she isn't here and I'm not there, and I cannot fall asleep.

The mornings when I wake are comparable to the nights. These 2 mornings, I woke up, thinking I was still in the condo with her. Thinking that I was still there with her. My mind is a blur, I cannot think straight. I keep waking up, thinking I am still in the condo with her. Upon the realisation that I am not in the condo, but back home where I do not really have the utmost desire to be in, I attempt to hide back under my blanket, but that never works, so I end up waking early and doing nothing around the house.

I fight with her over the silliest things on the phone now, just because I am afraid. Afraid that she doesn't feel the way I do, afraid that she will forget me. Afraid that perhaps I am just the only one missing her that much, missing the time we spent together. Afraid that 2 weeks later, she would have gotten so used to me not being around that she cannot remember how it feels like to have me around. I fight with her over the stupidest things because I am afraid.

Coming back here feels weird. There are times when I just drift off into my own little bubble. There are times when I feel like I cannot take it -- how weird it feels, coming back here. I am made to be obliged to answer to certain people, I am to be obliged to certain people. Adjusting and changing.

I try to keep busy, I attempt to occupy myself everyday now, just so I won't keep thinking about her, or what I would be doing right now with her. Most of the time, though, I can't seem to help it. Going out feels different, because I am not with her. Going out when I was there with her was always a happy affair, for I am out with her. Now, going out feels kinda weird. It doesn't feel as happy, because I am not out with her, laughing at each other, doing stupid things, trying to grab her ass or her hand in public and watching her reaction.

So, how does it feel, you might ask. Well, this is how it feels -- empty, weird, a sense of not being able to assimilate or belong as quickly as I am supposed to, slightly unhappy, all wanting to hide away from reality, and most of all: missing her. Missing her so much.

do you?

2008-10-29T01:38:00.002+08:00

i miss you.

i miss the way you laugh
i miss the way you speak
i miss the way you look at me and smile
i miss the way you tell me how to dress
i miss the way you whine when you get tired and just want to go home to snuggle
i miss the way you are, that silly, cute self
i miss the way you kiss me
i miss the way you hold me
i miss the way we sleep together
i miss you coming home to me

i miss everything about you.

i miss you.
i miss you so much..

it is time

2008-10-27T10:19:00.002+08:00

I don't want to.

Gosh.. I really don't want to.

It has come the time to leave to go home, but I don't want. I really don't want to. I am still refusing to believe it. Some part of me is refusing to believe it, some part of me is rejecting this, but the other parts of me know that it is time for me to go home.

I don't want to.. oh gosh I really don't want to. Thinking about all our dates, thinking about all the time we spent together, thinking about the many nights sleeping beside each other, loving each other, talking, holding hands, laughing with each other.. god I really don't want to go home.

My emotions are unbalanced, and I feel as if I might not be able to cope with it. I feel as if I might break down when I reach the airport. In the 4 times I have been here, I have never broken down in the airport. This time, I don't know.

For the past few days I have been breaking down intermittently, crying, tearing at the weirdest times. Just thinking about her, the things we have done together.. I don't know.

I will be back -- I know I will be back. I just don't know when. It is tougher now when I go home, because everything is different at home, a lot of things have changed, I am no longer in school. But I will be back. I know I will be back.

Last night I thought about how it would be like when I reached home. And I got so sick and tired of it all. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to my parents. But I just like my independence and my freedom. I don't want to go home to live with my family. I want to go home to live with myself, live with friends, housemates, and visit my family every weekend. But not living with my family. It makes me sick and tired -- what goes on around the house, the endless naggings and favouritism and what-nots. I got so sick of it all that last night I wanted to hide and not go home.

I don't want to go home.
I don't want to leave her.
I just want to be with her.
God.. I really just want to be with her..

She makes me so happy...

I really don't want to...

celebrating you with you

2008-10-26T13:39:00.003+08:00

It is baby's birthday today.

Happy Birthday, my baby!

I am planning a surprise for her, and I fervently hope and pray and wish and believe with all my might that she will be here tonight, so that the surprise can go on as planned. She will be here, she will be here, she will be here..

She has to be here because if she isn't here, I think I would not only be so heart broken, I would probably go crazy trying not to be sad. Because sleeping alone on my last night here is anot a particularly pleasant thing to do, when I could have her here with me. She has to be here, because if she isn't here, all my efforts and plans would have gone to waste.

Planning and preparing this surprise for her is bittersweet in a way, because it makes me so outrageously happy that I am doing this for her and hopefully she will love it as much as I do too. But preparing it also makes me think about us and the time we have spent together, which then makes it that much sadder, only because I am leaving to go home tomorrow.

This morning I woke up with a mixture of feelings. I was happy, but I was sad too. I was looking forward to today, but I was trying to push it away too. Happy, because it is my baby's birthday and I was gonna begin preparing her surprise for her right away, since it would take almost the whole day. But I was sad, because today meant that I have one day more with her before I have to go home. Looking forward to today because I believe with all my might and wish and hope that I will see her today, and we will sleep together before I go home. Pushing it away because, well, obviously, I am not gonna be seeing her for a few months after I leave tomorrow. So it really is a multitude of emotions, ain't it.

Anyway, I am preparing her surprise, and I hope she loves it. I just want her to have something she will remember until the next time I see her again. I want her birthday to be as grand, as happy, and as memorable as she is. I want her birthday to be the happiest this year, because it is with her that I am happy; she makes me happy. So it is a day worth celebrating, for I am celebrating her, with her, and celebrating how happy she makes me.

One more day till I go home, and I refuse to think about it. Well, as much as I claim to refuse to think about it, it just keeps popping up in my mind. Make it go away...

Happy Birthday, my beautiful lovely baby.
You make me a very happy woman.
You are the woman beyond my dreams.

the wings of time

2008-10-25T22:25:00.003+08:00

Time passes fast.

In the blink of an eye, 3 months have already passed, and I will be going home in two days. Time really passes fast when you are with the one you love, when you are doing what you love. There is something to be said about that, I suppose. For time moves fast when love is abound, and time moves slow when loneliness arises.

I cannot believe how fast time flies. It feels almost as if I was just here, and I was just with here, and we were both so happy together, not thinking about the time that I was going to leave, because leaving for home seemed like such a long time away at that time. But well, now we are here, in this moment, and whether or not we both like it, we are going to have to begin anew with the distance, the never-ending texts that can never say enough of how much we miss each other, and the calling every night to her, that can also never say enough of how much we miss and love each other.

Well, on the positive side we have settled our arguments and wrongs and whatever issues we have with each other, and right now we are just fixing things, making everything go back to just love, and trying to make the most of the last two days we have together before I go home. (Or rather, trying to, since she isn't here with me tonight, she is home.)

I have been tearing and crying intermittently for the past few days. Perhaps it is the PMS, but also because it has been sinking in that I am going to be leaving her to go home. I keep thinking back to the dates we have. It might not have been a lot, but each date we have has been special. It has been extraordinarily special. Perhaps it is because we don't live in the same country, hence we treasure each date we have. Or perhaps it just is that we enjoy each other's company so much. Whatever it may be, the dates that we have been on have been great. And each time I think about it now, it is such a bittersweet feeling.

Bittersweet because it is so sweet; we are so sweet. Bitter because it hurts and it is sad to know that the next time we go on another date will be another three or four months later, if ever. I keep comforting myself that that is how the world works, and we are both going through this now because we will be the epitome of love in future, when she comes to work where I live. I keep comforting myself that all this is for the grander things in life that will come our way, for after we sow, we reap the benefits, is it not so?

Yet I still cannot help but feel sad.. feel extremely sad. Each time I am back home, and I am enjoying myself doing something back home, or going drinking with my friends, it is never completely happy, never completely enjoying, because I feel as if I am missing someone -- her. This very very special girl of mine, who is the lady of my dreams. And so, I cannot help but keep feeling sad, very very sad whenever I think about going home.

The thought of leaving her when she takes me to the airport, the thought of turning around to walk into the airport while she goes back to her life, the thought of checking in and boarding the flight and flying home, it just makes me sick. It makes my heart break, and it makes me feel so terribly sad because I don't want to -- I don't want to turn my back away from her and go home, I don't want to leave her. The thought of all these small, seemingly inconsequential actions just hurts too much.

There is a seemingly permanant ball of tears stuck in my throat, and I try and try not to cry, I try and try not to let those tears blur my eyes and fall down my cheeks. As it is, the smallest things she does now makes me cry. I woke up this morning, gazed at her beautiful sleeping face and I cried. I cried because it has been three months, three months waking up to her lovely face, three months of closing my eyes to the sound of her peaceful, wonderful breathing, and now, now it has to stop and I have to go on home.

I will miss her, I know. I will miss her terribly, and for a few days when I am home, I will probably just wander around in a daze, trying not to think about her. And hoping that she won't forget me. Because I know she tends to try to not be sad, hence she tries to forget everything and anyone who makes her sad. I am already missing her now, how will it be when I go home?

I know she is sad too, she just tries to hide it and not be sad. She just tries to pretend everything is fine, so that it won't sink in. But I have become so used to my baby's idiosyncrasies that even the smallest words from her can convey to me how she really feels. I know there have been times these past few days where she wanted to tear, to be sad, but with those small words, she tried to take it away.

Well, I guess what matters is that she loves me as much as I do, and that she wants to keep this going so badly because she loves me. I guess, at the end of the day, in the grand scheme of things, we should both be happy that we are luckily in love, that we have each other to run to in times of happiness or sadness, that we have each other to love and to be loved. That is more than what some people can say, I suppose.

It is going to be her birthday in about an hour's time, and I have done my best to do something for her that I hope she will remember for life and that she will like.

I guess I just want her to be happy, happy with me, happy that there is an us, happy that we are love.

mind close

2008-10-22T12:37:00.002+08:00

I am tired.

I don't want to think anymore.
I don't want to play mind games anymore.
No matter how much I think things through,
it remains the same.

Thinking things through only brings about..
A certain amount of sadness and loneliness.

I am tired.
I really don't wish to think anymore.
As much as I love, as wholly and completely as I love..

stanzas of emotions

2008-10-21T22:34:00.002+08:00

which is worse --
expecting, only to realise expectations shouldn't arise
or giving your word but breaking it?

it all seems the same to me
no difference now
the same feelings will come up
sadness, loneliness
a feeling of crashing down too harshly
my heart hurts.

i thought today would be different
because we are one year six months today
but what difference does it make?

that i am leaving soon
that i am going home in six days
does that matter at all
or is that just a complexity to be dealt with?

there are no manuals on expectations
no self-help books on dealing with empty promises
no words of advice on crashing down harshly
everything depends on me.
me alone.

alone. alone is a funny thing to be had.
we have to stand alone even if we are together, she said.
i never believed in it, and perhaps that belief kept me going
for now i feel so alone
i feel alone with everyday that passes
and i am aware of how awkwardly i fit into her dreams.

she does not know if i fit into her life.
to me, that was the saddest thing i experienced.
for she fits into my life
as perfectly as her fingers fit between mine.

expectations and hopes
lead me to sadness
when i did not expect, i did not crash as hard.
but i expected today, and i hoped today
and i fell to the ground
almost too harshly to bear
i would catch her if she fell
but there was no one to catch me when i fell.

because it was a silent fall
and she did not know that i crashed
because she did not know that i expected or hoped
and none of this, i blame her. none.
because maybe it is my own doing.

i thought...
i thought so many things.
i wish...
i wish for so many things.

why do expectations always almost never work out right for me?
do i deserve it?
maybe she could lead a better life
if i wasn't around her.

if i wasn't around her to cause her stress
an inconvenience. a trouble. a worry.
if i wasn't around her she might not be suffocated.
if i wasn't around her her life would fit perfectly.
her dreams would be her dreams.

do i deserve to love her?
i don't know.
all i can give her is my whole, complete love
and maybe that is not enough for her.
maybe what she wants is what i cannot give her.

i thought...
i wish...

mind/heart or heart/mind?

2008-10-20T18:02:00.001+08:00

Distant. So distant.

No one ever said it would be this hard.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It is so distant. I am so distant and cold. No one ever wrote anything on how distant feels like, why one is distant, and how one goes about being distant. No one ever said it would be easy, but it is hard. It is so hard.

I am so distant towards her. Somehow being distant and cold comes together, I don’t know how or why. I don’t know what to say to her, it is like I’ve run out of words. Yet I have so many things to say to her, so many emotions and feelings I want to say, but I can’t say it out.

Along with distant and cold comes loneliness. I feel so alone. I feel like I am alone trying so hard to fight so many things, I feel like I am alone in trying to do this and do that, I feel like I am alone facing everything.

There is a cloud of sadness and impending departure hanging over me, and a bubble of distant coldness and impassiveness surrounding me. Above and around me, feelings surround me.

I keep getting the feeling of general unaffectedness from her. There is this sense of distinct relief expelling from her that I feel, now that it edges closer to me going home. I am doubly affected by it, on the contrary, she seems almost generally unaffected by it. I know what is on her mind is just her thesis and her schoolwork, so I don’t ask for much, neither do I bring it up. But this feeling of impassiveness and relief, is it something that is wrong?

I keep feeling more and more recently that I am just keeping her from her life. I feel like I am suffocating her, I feel like I am just disrupting her life, and when I leave to go home, she can finally go back to her usual normal life without the stress, without the worry and trouble and inconveniences, without me disrupting her life.

If it were me spending three weeks here, this effect would not be that great. But it is me spending three months here, so the effect is ten times greater. How can it be that I still feel this sense of relief radiating from her?

Sometimes I wonder – am I really that much of a disruption? Trouble, inconvenience, worry? Do I suffocate her that much?

I think about how she enjoys the company of those nearest and dearest to her. I think about how she tells me that I am dearest to her, yet it doesn’t feel like it. It feels more like I am dearest to her in a distant way. I don’t know where I figure in her life, I don’t know where I stand when it comes to her priorities in life.

In all the wishes that we have made and wrote, I never once saw my name anywhere. But there I was, putting her name in almost all of my wishes that I make or write. I see her wanting love, I see her wanting to be in a relationship forever in her wishes, but those are general wishes. Wishes that may or may not include me, so long as it is love for her, a relationship forever for her. But me, oh silly little me, I insert her name in my wishes, I wish for love with her, a relationship forever with her. Even on her board where she puts things that consist of her life, I am not in it. I seem to be a subject that cannot be spoken or written of, I seem to be a topic that is forbidden.

She speaks of how she loves me. She speaks of how I am dearest to her. But as I keep telling her, words remain words. Actions and words defer by so much, and so much it is, now that I learn. Could I be wanting too much? Could I be expecting too much?

I am so distant and cold now that even I am a little surprised by it all. Maybe it is the impending departure. Perhaps it is that I sense how her mind is always only on her thesis and schoolwork. Maybe it is because I caught a glimpse into her life, and I don’t know where I fit in. Perhaps it is because of this sense of relief that comes wafting past me.

I don’t know. I really don’t know at all. Contrary to what she thinks, that I think I am always right, perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps it really is all my fault in the first place. Maybe it really is all my fault.

There are so many things that I wish I could say, but the distant and cold me just keeps it all in. Even in words, it seems so hard to write it down.

I wish you needed me as much as I needed you.
I wish you wanted me as much as I wanted you.
I wish you could show me that you love me.
I wish you could show me how I fit into your priorities.
I wish I could fit into your life as perfectly and completely as you fit into mine.
I wish you could love me as much as I love you.

of feelings that speak no words

2008-10-19T21:32:00.003+08:00

I have so many things to say but I don't know where to start or what to do.

I have had better days. Today hasn't been one of the good days, but I guess I am used to making days like these okay.

I woke up alone, lonely and kinda sad and bored. The thought of me leaving to go home soon has been on my mind for the past couple of days, and it still is on my mind. I cannot seem to get rid of it no matter what I do.

My baby and I aren't really on that good talking terms now, perhaps because I can sense a little of her not being very affected by me leaving, whereas I am the one who is doubly affected by it. It is almost as if I am taking up all of the effects and consequences, and she feels next to nothing about it. She is alright with it, she doesn't seem to feel much of it, and I guess what she really is thinking of is her thesis and schoolwork. I don't know what to make of it, but perhaps I should just be silent and accept it, for perhaps that is how she is.

I have many fears and obstacles to face when I get back home. I don't even know whether she knows of it, because I don't talk to her about it. It seems like I haven't really told her what my fears and obstacles are, and I don't know why either. It is like I don't really want her to know, because she doesn't at all seem affected by me leaving. It is almost as if whatever that happens has no consequence on her. Perhaps it really is her thesis and schoolwork that is on her mind all the time. I have no idea.

I am facing my fears and obstacles, because I have to, and because if I don't, I won't know what to make of my life. There's the job I have to go searching for, a job that will make me happy and won't let me become like one of those stressed, unhappy faces going to and from work everyday. There's the family to deal with. There's the cashflow problem, and there's the missing my baby issue. There is also the getting used to having to live with my family again and get annoyed and bugged because I do not like living with my family.

I am having a hard time now. I am trying to be happy. I am trying to not think about what will happen eight days from now. I am trying not to cry or be sad. I am trying not to feel too lonely, even though I feel really very lonely, and at times, a little afraid. I am trying to be happy in front of her.

I guess this post has no definite topic, I guess this post is just a rambling of all that I feel, of which I am unable to say.

when words cannot fill it

2008-10-18T22:15:00.001+08:00

I am subconsciously counting down the days.

As of now, it is another nine more days before I go home.

I know it is a rather stupid thing to do, counting the days. But I don’t know why, subconsciously, my mind does the counting. With each day that passes, I am aware of how much time we have left to physically be with each other, hold and touch each other, to physically spend time with each other before we go back to the texting, calling, ym-ing, and the never-ending missing each other and wishing we could see each other.

It makes me seem kind of like a fool, being so aware of the time when I could actually spend it enjoying my days with her, enjoying and just feeling how it feels to spend time with her, to be with her, live with her. That is why, at times, I get annoyed with myself, for thinking about it subconsciously.

It is easier when she is around, living here in the condo with me. It is easier because I cannot think about it, because if I start to tear, she will know and she will stop me from thinking about it. But when I am alone, these thoughts just seem to keep coming. It is like they are hidden at the back of my mind, never far, and the moment I am alone, these thoughts seem to realize my vulnerability and come out.

This past week, I have been hiding my sadness and controlling the tears that threaten to fall when I think about it. Even the simplest actions, like thinking about the next week when I’ll be seeing her, or thinking about the places we are going to next week, even the sound of the neighbor across the hall opening and closing the door makes me tear.

It is so hard, hiding these tears and sadness from her. This whole week, I have been gritting my teeth, biting the inside of my cheek, just to stop myself from tearing when she is around. I have taken to looking away at times or just acting blur when I sit with her, face-to-face, just talking or holding hands, watching tv or kissing. Because at times when I look at her, I feel my eyes starting to fill with tears, and so I turn to look away or act blur. I don’t want to cry when she is around because I don’t want her to see how sad I am, that I am going to go home soon.

Friday afternoon, we had a fight. We weren’t talking, so she was playing her game, and I was just lying on the bed listening to my ipod. I turned and caught a glimpse of her back, the way she sits and behaves when she plays her game, and my heart hurt. It was so hard, keeping myself from crying and tearing. I couldn’t take it, so I hid beneath my pillow and cried silently. She never knew I cried. And when I teared when she came to snuggle beside me and apologise, I lied that it was because I could force myself to cry.

There were times this week, when she was staying in the condo with me, that I would cry in the shower or in the bathroom, so she wouldn’t have to see it. There were times when I would go to smoke at the window and tear silently. Then it would be back to bringing myself under control, making sure any expression on my face wasn’t of sadness, and then I would turn back to her with a smile.

I didn’t know it would be this hard keeping my sadness and tears from her. I don’t want her to see me cry, and I don’t want her to see my sadness, because I don’t want it to affect her, and I don’t want to know that maybe, maybe I am the only one who is being this sad, because she doesn’t seem to be affected by it.

There was once, this week, when we were just lying beside each other, and I just ran my hands over her face, remembering how it feels, trying to keep her features in my mind, just tracing her features, those lovely eyes, that cute little nose, those lips of hers, and I started to tear. She saw me starting to tear, and told me to stop, but I couldn’t. We both ended up teary-eyed. I don’t know why it is so easy for me to cry now, when I think of her, when I wake up to her sleeping face beside mine.

I know it is so much harder now, because we have been living together in the same country for 3 months now. in the past, the longest I have lived with her was for 3 weeks. This time, it is 3 months and I know that this is precisely why it is harder to leave to go home, why it hurts so much more. We have gotten so used to each other, we have gotten to so used to each other’s idiosyncrasies, habits, way of life, everything.

It doesn’t get much easier, knowing that when I go home, it will be time to join the rat race, and it won’t be as easy for me to go on a vacation, to apply for leave to go on a vacation as it was from last year to this year, when I was still studying. Because where I am, we don’t have that much vacation leave at all.

But I should be used to it, shouldn’t I? I should be so fucking used to it. So why am I so sad this time, why do I keep crying?

She isn’t here in the condo with me now, and won’t be until next week. I tried not to be sad, but it was too tiring and I end up crying. I don’t want to.

Perhaps this is just a sign of how much I love her. Perhaps this just shows that my love for her is so much more than anything else, that even though it is difficult leaving her to go home, I will, because I know I will see her again, in another few months.

It is another nine more days, and soon, it will be nine more days. She isn’t as sad as I am, or perhaps it doesn’t affect her as much because she will soon be so busy with her thesis. I have no idea. But it is affecting me a whole lot, and I don’t know what to do about it.

on a rainy day

2008-10-14T12:15:00.002+08:00

Do you love rainy days?

It's a rainy day today. i have a love-hate relationships with rainy days. what about you?

Perhaps everyone has a kind of love-hate relationships with rainy days. most of the time it depends on what you want to do on that particular day.

Well, it's a rainy day today wherever i am at. i remember, this time last year, when it was close to christmas, it kept raining all the time. and i loved it, i loved it because i love the feeling of being at home alone on a rainy day (may i emphasise the word 'alone'). i don't know why, but rainy days when i'm home with my family doesn't feel as nice as rainy days alone. i wonder what this makes of me.

I have had a lot of time to think about many things while i am here, and i guess the one main thing i have realised is that i really value my freedom and my independence. as in, it is kinda scary, at first thought, about how much i enjoy being alone without my family surrounding me. don't get me wrong, it isn't as you think. it is just that i like being alone at home without my family. while i am here, i am always alone, and i kinda like it. but the one thing i cannot do without is my friends. it scared me at first, when i realised that i would rather live with friends or housemates, than with family.

Having a lot of me time basically made me think, and i saw that i value my freedom and independence a lot. i am happy when i am either living on my own or with friends or housemates. i guess perhaps my family makes me feel a little stifled, like i can't breathe and i can't do what i want. but i know that with friends or housemates, i can do what i want, i can breathe, and yet i still have company and people who care for me.

So this is one side of me that i found here -- the girl who loves her freedom and independence.

On rainy days, i tend to think more. i have no idea why. today is a rainy day, and i am enjoying this wet cold rainy weather here. maybe it helps me find myself easier, i don't know.

But well, rainy days like today also tend to make me think about things that i don't want to think about -- like the fact that i am going to have to go home soon.

I have tried not to think about it for the past one or two days, but it keeps coming back like an annoying alarm clock that is on snooze and will keep waking you up every 5 minutes. rainy days like today make me think about how i would rather be home alone on a rainy day than with my family. when i go home, i am going to have to go home and continue living with my family. that is what i don't like, but one i have to do until i get what i want i suppose.

Being here, it gives me my own freedom. on top of that, i am happy here because i know she is within reach. i know i can see her, actually physically be with her, touch her, hold her. i feel very close to her. going home, well, it's a different story altogether. i am aware of how it is like, because it's been more than a year that we've been doing this. yet back home, there is still this slight discontentment, like whenever i do something i like, i think about her, and how it would be like if only she was here with me.

I guess the main thing is to be glad of the small things you have -- like how i still have her, like how we are still together and how she holds my heart. like how one day, hopefully, i will move out and live on my own.

Rainy days really make me think, don't they.

Today is a rainy day that i enjoy, and it is a suitable weather for the feelings and thoughts that i have.

in between dreaming and waking

2008-10-13T12:26:00.001+08:00

I am going home soon.

I am being very honest when I say that I don’t want to. But that, in itself, is obvious.

What is obvious is that I should know when things aren’t what they are. I spoke before of how I felt that there was this sense of relief that I was going home, of how I felt that there was this force radiating from her that I should go home, and please let it be soon.

In other words, wake up already, me. Just wake up. Open your eyes.

She keeps speaking to me of reality. It is almost as if she doesn’t think that I know reality. The truth is, I am aware of reality every single day that I am with her. Yet when she tells me her reasons why she wants me to go home, she keeps repeating that I need to face reality.

Don’t I know that, honestly? I am aware of that every single day. Which is why I am always thinking, which is why it always seems like there is something on my mind – reality. She thinks I am not facing reality. Oh, if only she knew.

But she keeps speaking of it, she keeps reminding me of reality with each reason that she spills out, about why she wants me to go home and why I can’t stay. And with each time she speaks of reality, I feel more and more like a fool. With each reason that she says, I feel more and more useless.

It is almost as if I am being chased away. I know that is not the real thing, I know there is more to that. But with each reason she comes up with, I feel more and more like I am just being stupid and stubborn. Of course I can see from her point of view. Of course I more than can see. But perhaps, perhaps I just want this extra time to know that I am near her, that I can still physically be with her in some way before I go home and begin this never-ending rat race where I won’t be able to get out of as easily as I can now.

Last night, I felt like a dreamer. A useless dreamer at that.

I keep thinking about everything she said. I couldn’t sleep last night for thinking about it. And I accept, I accept every one of her reasons. I know that she can’t be with me if I do stay longer, I know that she can’t take care of me, can’t watch over me because she needs to do her work. I accept it all, I understand it all.

But, oh, the way she said it, it made me realize what a useless dreamer I am. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am just telling it the way I think. I am just facing facts. She knows what she wants – and I should be proud of her, that she is strong and certain enough to know what she wants. I am proud of her. It is me, it is me who is the dreamer. Who wants happiness rather than money. The rat race – it is for money. My race – it is for my dreams and for happiness.

There was something that was said on TV a while back – what one says and writes are two different stories, because sometimes, people write what they can’t say.

It is such a simple thing to say, but it is one that you don’t realize until it is being said. I guess this is where I fit in – I write what I cannot say. It is the simplest things that have to be expressed, that have to be said before you realize that something this simple is something that you feel.

Perhaps the simplest things are always the hardest and most difficult to say.

Like I love you, and I wish you wanted and needed me as much as I want and need you.

Like if only you would know how I face reality everyday, and how I try not to make reality too hard for you, because I love you.

work is so not me

2008-10-08T11:18:00.003+08:00

This time last year, I wrote an entry about the types of jobs or professions that I would never be in. It was a mix of frustrated professions and jobs that I could and would not take on.

This time, this year, this topic comes back to me again. Mainly because I have graduated, and I am going to need to look for a job when I go back home.

So,After careful consideration, these are the 5 professions that I cannot and will not be in:

1) As stated before, Professional Bikini Waxer (if that is what the occupation is called)

The reason behind this is simple enough. I accompanied my friend for her bikini wax appointment sometime ago. The lady who always does the whatever waxing thing for my friend happened to see the very nice me, accompanying my friend for her appointment. Anyway, after it was done, my friend told me that the lady asked if I was lesbian. Now, to me it wasn’t obvious, because I am not the butch type nor the androgynous type. So I had no idea it was obvious. Anyhow, she told my friend that one of the criteria for being a Bikini Waxer is that one could not be lesbian. So duh, obviously, I cannot be a Professional Bikini Waxer. (I don’t think I want to be one either, because perhaps after seeing too many vaginas, I wouldn’t wanna have sex with my girl anymore. Now, that would be serious.)

2) Professional Tennis Player

I say this because I was just watching the Porsche Tennis Grand Prix on Eurosports Channel, and my bee pointed out that the winner takes home a red Porsche. That got me thinking – perhaps I should be a Professional Tennis Player. But obviously, that wouldn’t work either, because I suck at tennis, and I can never imagine myself in those short tennis skirts and whatever. Besides, I play rough at sports. I used to intentionally bump my opponents or make them trip when I played netball for my school. So I don’t do too well with a tennis racquet and a ball. I would probably hit the ball out of line or worse still, throw my tennis racquet at my opponent.

3) Professional Ball Picker

I don’t know if there is such a profession, but I thought of this profession because of the Porsche Tennis Grand Prix. (See how much one sports event on TV has such a profound effect on me?!?) So, I was having a conversation with myself because my girl was busy doing her thesis. I spoke to myself of being a professional tennis player, then I spoke to myself of being a professional ball picker, after watching how those people standing right at the edge of the tennis court would always run to pick those wayward tennis balls that got out of line. Anyway, bee overhead me and started laughing because of I-don’t-know-what. Anyhow, after much consideration, I don’t think I could ever be a Professional Ball Picker, because after awhile, I would probably get lazy to run after those balls. Besides, it is kinda monotonous and I would probably start seeing yellow balls everywhere. Of course, I wouldn’t want to suffer a permanent backache from all that crouching either.

4) Pest Control Employee

I think that is what the pest control people are called, yes? I don’t know, but I definitely would never, and I am very adamant about that, never ever want to be a Pest Control Employee. Why? I thought it would be easy to guess. I hate black flying cockroaches. I really do not like black flying cockroaches. In addition to that, I get goosebumps and my heart starts pounding really fast when, at night, I hear the sound of something flying and hitting the ceiling lights or whatever. Then I will start ducking and looking around in terror. (Most of the time, however, it is just my own imagination. There aren’t any flying insects, its just my flying imagination hearing something and thinking it is something else.) I do not like flying insects, big or small. I cannot stand the sound they make when their wings flutter and they fly. Besides, the moment I see an ant nest or a colony of ants, I get serious goosebumps and it makes me feel weird all over. Actually, the minute I see a colony of anything, I run. I am okay with rats and mice, I think, but I have a feeling my girl will not appreciate me coming home after work with rat poo or like a mouse tail stuck somewhere on me. She hates rats.

5) Frustrated Rockstar

I am a frustrated rockstar. This is what my girl and her friends have decided, after a conversation on frustrated professions. Now, I guess I dress kinda rockstar-ish. I don’t know. I have no idea. But I like rock, and I like to rock. If that makes sense. So anyway, I guess I am a frustrated rockstar. But well, I do think that if I were to hold a concert, my only fans would be the ones that I don’t like the most – the insects that inhabit the concert stadium or the open field. Oh, and of course, my girlfriend. Seeing as I would probably only have 1 fan (and she probably would only be my fan because she loves me and loves making love to me), I guess this profession wouldn’t work out. Not to mention that when I start singing like a rockstar, I tend to either frighten someone or make my girl burst out in laughter. So, you know, I am a realistic person. I guess a rockstar just won’t do. I shall just continue dreaming about being a Frustrated Rockstar.

What about you?

from the honest side of my heart

2008-10-06T11:48:00.001+08:00

I am in a confused state of mind.

I don’t know how I should think, act, or feel. I believe in complete honesty when I write, yet complete honesty doesn’t seem to go down too well when it is read.

How is writing here going to be cathartic if there isn’t complete honesty to myself, or to anyone else for that matter?

The point is this – I love her. I know I love her completely, wholly. She completes me, even if it sounds silly to say that. She still has the ability to make my heart race, or to make my heart stop, when I know I’m seeing her, when she is with me. Even though we have been together for long now.

But as reiterated, honesty isn’t as refreshing as it seems. At times, hearing those honest words wakes you up.

She speaks to me harshly of waking up and getting over how I feel. She speaks to me harshly of giving myself some credit. I know that – of course I know that. Believe me, I do give myself credit. But what I really wanted to say was that if she understood how I really felt, she wouldn’t be saying that. It wouldn’t be all too easy to say that, if she experienced what I experienced.

Oh, honesty can be a killer. I am waking up, and I am getting over a lot of things she says. Sometimes I find it hard to believe, how cold she can be when she wants to be. It is like flipping the other side of the coin, only to find that the other side isn’t exactly how you envision it to be.

I admit, it is good in a way, because I am really absorbing her words, and I am really waking up and smelling the roses. But, you know, I guess it is still kinda hard to believe how cold she can be, and how she can say exactly those words that will hurt you without a doubt. In a way I guess this shows how well she knows me.

She tells me that she just wants me to support her. She tells me that she is panicking like hell and I am supposed to just be there for her. She tells me that I am the only one who is making things difficult for her.

I don’t want that. I don’t want that. I don’t know how she cannot see that I am there for her all the time, and I don’t know how she cannot see that I support everything she does. If I did not, I wouldn’t invest so much of my time in figuring out part of her thesis for her. I wouldn’t be telling her everyday to believe in herself. I believe so much in her that I know out of her entire batch, she has the least reason to panic, because she is the gifted one, the smart, creative and intelligent one who will find her way around obstacles. I know her well enough to know that, but I also know that she panics because she doesn’t want to repeat her past mistakes.

I don’t want to be yet another obstacle in her path towards greatness. If I am the only one who is making things difficult for her, then I don’t want to be any longer. The way I see it, there are two ways to this. But I just don’t want to get in her way any longer. I don’t want her to have to try to balance me and her work, because if she has to try, then it obviously is something that is difficult for her.

I believe I love her enough to want her to do exceedingly well in her studies and in her life. I am afraid of how it will be now that she is doing her thesis, and I go back home. But like she tells me, I have the same doubts that she has. It is just that I think my doubts really overcome me when I see how things really are.

She speaks to me of how she loves me, but she doesn’t know how to show it. She speaks to me of how she loves me so much. I know she does. I guess it is the fact that we have totally different ways of loving, and my heart hurts when she tells me that she doesn’t know what to do any longer to show me that she loves me.

I want her to love me completely, wholly. I want to be the center of her universe. I don’t need her world to revolve around me. I just want to be more of a part of her life. I want to feel like I exist completely in her world. I don’t want to be just only her life and her world. I want her to have everything else that she wants in it too. But I just want to feel more like a part of her life, a part of her world. I want to know that I exist, and she won’t forget me each time she starts to do something else. I want her to talk about me like how I talk about her. I want everyone of her friends to know how much she loves me, just like how my friends do. I want to be her first thought when she wakes up, and her last thought before she sleeps.

Is that being too selfish? I don’t think it is, because I don’t need to have her world revolve around me. I want her to have everything else that she wants in her life too. I just want to be more of that center of her universe when it comes to love, future, her dreams.

But the circumstances and situations surrounding it keeps making me feel like I am being selfish.

Heart's secret letter

2008-10-03T18:07:00.002+08:00

To: The one who holds me,

I know you don’t know who I am yet, but trust in me when I write this to you, and you will know who I am by the end of this letter.

Each time I look at you, I feel incredibly lucky.

I don’t know if this is how you feel, but this is how I feel. Maybe I don’t thank you enough everyday. Maybe I don’t make you feel lucky enough everyday. Maybe I don’t tell you that I love you everyday.

I have spent 2 whole months living with you. Except for the weekends, when you go home to sleep, I live with you everyday. I fall asleep to the sound of your breathing, I wake up to your tossing and turning every morning, when you refuse to wake up because you still want to sleep in. I have spent almost everyday with you. Not just meeting you for short periods of time, not just meeting you for lunch or dinner and a movie, but actually spending everyday with you – leaving the house with you, coming home with you, having breakfast, lunch and dinner with you, watching you work while I laze around. I am actually having a life with you, and it is simply amazing.

Trust me when I tell you this – even the simplest action, like locking the door before I leave the condo with you, melts me. It makes me think of happy endings, it makes me think of a future together, it makes me think of being with you, making a home with you in future.

Each time I look at you, I feel so incredibly lucky.

When you leave the house to go for your classes, I even feel the slightest tinge of loneliness. It is almost as if just being away from you for a few hours is unbearable now, because I have gotten so used to being around you. When I know you are ending class and coming home to me, I start to beat faster, I start to feel energetic. When the doorbell rings, sometimes I stop, because I know you are coming home to me.

Even though we fight about the silliest things ever, even though at times I get so mad I feel like I’m about to burst, I can never hurt you, I can never bear to see you so hurt and so sad. You could make me so mad, yet I can never bring myself to say anything that can really hurt you, because I cannot bear to hurt you.

I don’t know if you can feel me, and I don’t know if I am completely yours. I don’t know if you feel the way I do. I don’t know if that part of you stops and beats faster when it comes to me. I don’t know all of these, but it feels like I know everything about you.

I don’t know how I am going to be able to take it when, come the end of the month, I leave to go back to where I live. I don’t know if I am going to break, I don’t know if I am going to hurt. I don’t know if I am going to start beating slower and less energetic because you aren’t around. I know I am going to feel the soreness, and I know I am going to cry. But I guess when it comes down to things, I know I am strong enough to carry on loving you, because when it comes to loving you, there is no one and nothing stronger and more loving than me.

Each time I look at you, I feel incredibly lucky.

I may not say this often enough, but I thank you for having such a big heart. I may not be as big as you, I may take longer to forgive, I may hold a grudge for a longer period of time, but you never fail to let go of any fights and arguments we have almost immediately. You have such a big heart, you forgive me almost immediately. You don’t even get mad at the things I get mad at.

So if there is anything, I just want to thank you for having such a big heart. I just want to thank you for learning to love, and for loving me completely. There are so many things I could thank you for, but I believe that just by thanking you for being brave and loving me is more than enough.

There is just one thing that I don’t think I will otherwise tell you, if I don’t write it here:

I will always continue beating for you. I will always hold you in me. You hold the key to me, and if there is one thing you should know, just always be certain that I am for you. As long as I continue beating, I will always love you.

Loving you forever,
The heart of this writer.

here's one to...

2008-09-28T18:57:00.000+08:00

I am craving for a beer. I don’t know why. But since I’m on that topic, what would you drink to?

If you could drink to something incredible that is happening in your life right now, at this very moment, what would you drink to?

Well, here goes.

Here’s one to long distance relationships.

I used to be such a critic of long distance relationships, I used to be critical and sarcastic about long distance relationships because I thought they never ever worked out the way you wanted them to. Obviously I was wrong, because things are working out exactly as I want them to. I have her, she has me, we’ve been together for so long now, and it’s been long distance all the way. The future is of course uncertain, but I think I speak for us both when I say that with love and determination, the future will be what you want it to be. She is coming over to where I live next year, after graduating, to look for a job there. Things are working out just fine, and at the risk of sounding silly, I credit it to lots of simple, determined, patient love and her big heart.

In life, if you let it, you will always find a million ways to give up. But if you don’t give up, life won’t give up on you.

2 years ago, I nearly gave up on relationships. Yes, so maybe you would say that I’m only in my 20s, so I am not yet old enough to speak of giving up on relationships. But if I may – I don’t think it’s the age that counts. It’s the experience, isn’t it?

Anyway, 2 years ago, I had a horrible relationship with some girl. It was truly horrendous. I think I was being abused emotionally and verbally, but I was never certain. It’s funny, if you really knew me, because I don’t look like I can be bullied or abused emotionally and verbally. But trust me, I was. I think that girl I was with then could do with some therapy sessions, if you know what I mean. She could find any reason in the world to get mad with me every single day. In the simplest conversations, she could find something that would prove infidelity. And I was never unfaithful to her. it was an everyday thing, and over time, I got tired. Her temper was fucking horrible, trust me on that. The smallest things would set her off, then her shouting would begin. In the midst of her shouting would be the most incredulous decision-making sessions that she would force me to choose. The words she used were words you would never use on the one you love, no matter how mad you are at them.

So I finally made the right decision for myself and I left her. To be honest, that was the happiest time of my life. Leaving her and getting on with my life without any abuse.

After that truly horrendous relationship, I was cynical. Totally cynical and jaded when it came to love and relationships. In other words, I gave up on love and relationships. I gave up on the notion that there could be a forever with a certain girl, because hell, my past relationship said something, didn’t it?

Anyway, what comes next is the basic love story material. I got to know my girl, fell in love with her, and voila, we’ve been together ever since.

But what is important isn’t that. What is important is that though I was with her, I didn’t see a forever. I didn’t believe in a forever, because I was cynical when it came to that. Then something she said to me a few weeks ago made me realize that I believed in a forever. I was finally believing in a forever, and I was denying it all along. She showed me that a forever was possible, she showed me that a forever with her was possible. That is what is important.

So I guess if I had given up, life would have given up on me. But because I didn’t exactly let life find me a million ways to give up, things worked out.

So here’s one to long distance relationships. Here’s one to life. And here’s one for me, on my behalf, if ever you are drinking and reading this, because I sure could do with one.

lose control of what's missing

2008-09-24T16:43:00.003+08:00

you might have to lose control before you can find what you are missing.

the person whom i was two years ago wouldn't believe the above sentence. the person i am now believes it.

for there truly are some things which, in order to see clearly, you have to lose control. my guess is it applies not only to love or relationships, but to a lot of other things as well.

and i should know, because i have walked that road before, haven't i.

i thought i had to be in control of what i wanted to study when i entered university. but by a twist of fate, i wasn't the one controlling anything, yet i've graduated, and i've managed to find what i'm missing.

it's a simple matter of not being in control, yet knowing how to handle a situation should it happen. i did not so much as control the course i took in university, but studying that and graduating in that faculty made me realise what i was missing.

in love, it is almost exactly that way. i always wanted a relationship where i was in control. where i could decide who to be with, for practical purposes, for other purposes. love was not a foremost reason in being in a relationship.

then i met her. and it was as if this sensation took me by force, without asking if i could hand over control to that sensation. that sensation took over, made me lose control of my relationship, and all i could do was to hold on to her and hope that i could weather the storm.

i did. and i am so glad that i did. because if i did not lose control, i would never have known that she was what i was missing. as silly as it sounds, there is her, and she completes that part of me that i can't complete on my own. her sometimes childish nature, her ability to take a situation and make it into a game, into something fun, makes me laugh. which complements my at times overly serious nature. she is what i am missing.

yes, i admit that there are things that i worry about, that i fear about. when i wrote my previous post, i spoke of worries and fears of not matching up to her. of being unable to fulfill her dreams of me and to make her happy.

however, is it not true that maybe i have to lose control before something great happens? maybe, instead of controlling myself and following my head, i should follow my heart? and for all i know, following my heart could lead me to a career she will be proud of, even if it isn't exactly what she dreamed me to be. perhaps, if i follow my heart, i will do great, i will be great. the future is uncertain, and perhaps to follow my heart is but the only way out of this.

after all, the comment on my previous post rings very true -- she is my supporter, not my deterrent.

if what

2008-09-21T17:43:00.001+08:00

There are times when I think, what if I wasn’t how I am now –

What if I don’t jump and scream and wave my hands wildly in the crowd, what if I don’t catch her attention or get her to notice me?

What if I wasn’t smart enough to help her figure out part of her thesis?

What if I didn’t learn patience?

What if I wasn’t rich or pretty enough?

What if I can’t fulfill her dream of what she wants me to be in future, even if I try my best?

What if I know that it is happiness and being together with the one you love that matters, among other things?

I think that she thinks my dreams are small. I know, I shouldn’t say that, and I shouldn’t be thinking that. But some things, though I have chosen to forget, at times it comes back. She said something like that to me before, even though I have chosen to forget about it. I know at that time she was probably just saying it to hurt me. But what if.. what if?

She speaks to me now of grand things in the future. She speaks to me of dreams. I have no doubt that I will get there. It is just a matter of whether the career path I choose will be what she wants me to be. I have no doubt that I will be great in the future. I have no doubt that I will be rich and earn big money in the future. But what if it takes time? What if the career path isn’t what she dreams of me?

I keep putting this worry aside, because I keep thinking that as long as I love her, and that she knows that I love her, it will be okay. I keep putting it aside, because I think that I will be rich, I will be someone great and grand in future. I know I will, it will just take time. But sometimes it knocks on the door of my heart, the door that encloses my fear and worries.

She told me once just a few days ago that she would marry me if I really were to start my own music company. Before that, I told her I wanted to start my own writing company, but she told me examples have shown that it doesn’t earn much. But what if it’s a dream of mine? What if I won’t earn much, but stick with me for a few years and I will earn so much more? What if it makes me happy? What if… what if.

it is her dream to be an outstanding architect. It is her dream to pursue film studies after graduation. But I know, I just know deep in my heart, that for example, even if architects didn’t earn as much money as they do now, I would still want to be with her. I would still want to marry her. I know that , figuratively speaking, if working in the film industry doesn’t bring big bucks, I would still want to be with her. I would still marry her.

It is her dream. And as long as she fulfills those dreams of hers, as long as she’s happy fulfilling those dreams of hers, I would still stick with her. I would still marry her. I know that it might not be big bucks, but definitely one day I will earn big money.

So sometimes these small things scare me. I’ve been meaning to talk to her about it, but she being so busy with her thesis, I feel bad taking up her time. I don’t know what to do about it now, but I guess nothing is certain now. We both cannot foresee the future now.

I know, though, that she wants a forever with me. She wants to be my forever, just as I want to be her forever. And I guess I am sure that with this certainty of us being each others’ forever, things will work out.

writing again

2008-09-20T16:40:00.004+08:00

it's been waaaay too long. the layer of dust on this blog is an inch thick now. so, as always, *dust dust* and begin.

i'm still here in the land of love, and will be here for quite awhile longer. almost everyday is spent with her, except for weekends, when she goes home, and i am left alone to my own stuff every weekend.

i guess it's inevitable, we have now grown so used to each other that when she isn't here for the weekend, its like i'm missing my soul, or rather, my soulmate. it feels weird when she isn't here for the weekend because i feel like it isn't complete. all this while i thought it was just me.

then this morning, she woke up and she had a super black face. usually i am the one who isn't a morning person and i'll fight with her in the morning. today, it was her, who actually looked like she was gonna fight me. i don't know, but i'm guessing it's partly because she's gonna go home for the weekend, so she isn't gonna be with me, and also partly because of her thesis. i don't know, but at times, i guess i would like to venture a guess.

anyway, it's been good-going most of the time, but for the recent two weeks or so, it gets tough at times. i guess mostly it's because i feel like we've been together for so long, it's time that not only i honour my words and promises, but her too.

but the main thing is, i'm happy here. as in, i enjoy my time with her. it's obvious, so obvious that we love each other so much, and it shows. i laugh with her, fight with her, get sad with her, get stressed with her. and we have mad fabulous fantastic sex together. i sleep beside her, wake up beside her, hold her, kiss her, touch her when i want to, and it has never been better.

most of the time, i'm happy here. but together with happiness also comes thoughts. while most part of me is happy, some part of me is troubling over some other issue.

i am pondering over the next step to take. i've already graduated for almost 3 months, and i keep pondering over my next step to take. coming here was like a relief from everything, coming here was my graduation gift to myself, because i don't get graduation gifts from anyone i suppose. coming here, i get to clear my mind. but part of me keeps pondering about the next step to take, and i don't know what it is.

i don't want to be the person you see everyday, going to work with an unhappy face and going home after work with a world-weary, stressful look on her face. i don't want to be the person stuck in an office her entire life, dressed in corporate attire, doing whatever anyone else wants her to do. i don't want to not look forward to working. i don't want to do what i dislike, but what others want me to like. i don't want anyone to live vicariously through me.

i know i am not the type of person suited for strict corporate work. i know i am not one to dress in corporate attire 5 days a week. give me that, and trust me, a few months later, i will job hop. i want to do something i'm happy doing. i want to work in an environment where i get to dress comfortably, do what i like doing, and go to work everyday happy, albeit stressed. and i don't know what that is.

i think i want to write. i think i want to start a music company. i think.. i don't know what i think. but i know it's beginning to trouble me as the time comes for me to start looking for a job. i don't want to live off anyone any longer. i am old enough, for goodness sake. it's just, where i live, the arts, local writers, local music, its not that well-received after all.

in addition, things aren't going well on the family side. i think it's been clear that i hate having any kind of obligations with regards to my family. i mean -- i understand the basic obligations, but other than that, i refuse to have any kind of obligations. and recent events have gotten me kinda mad, because it is just about one person, one person whom out of all people, i refuse to have obligations to. and because of this one person, the entire family puts the blame on me. but come on, in my opinion, its a simple matter of postponing, not cancelling just to be vicious and take me on some guilt trip. but then again, i am entitled to my own opinion.

it's kinda scary, because i realise that i don't have any homesickness at all. isn't it supposed to be that when you're away from your home for so long, you should be homesick? the thing is, i don't feel homesick. not at the beginning, not even now. its kinda weird because i'm not homesick for my family. the things i miss are my friends, going out where i live, my room, my sister, her boyfriend, and their dog. that's all. it's kinda weird, and it's kinda scary, realising that. i don't know. right now, i'm not keeping in touch with any of my family members, elder sister included. perhaps i'll start contacting them again sometime soon, but not for now. for now, i don't want to contact any of them.

i don't really tell her all my troubles, because well, i guess it's really more of me. i hate to disturb her, and i don't want to take up her time when she's doing her thesis. and i feel kinda silly if i tell her my troubles and all because it takes up her time and because her family background is so different from mine. its her thesis year, and i guess most of the time, i don't wanna disturb her or trouble her or take up her time. so i end up keeping it all.

anyway, its been written here. writing things here have always been cathartic, and i hope it is, now, too.

it's getting dark, i have today and tomorrow alone, so i guess i should stop here and maybe come back to writing tomorrow.

catching up from the land of love

2008-08-08T14:01:00.007+08:00

it's been quite awhile.

dust the dust off my blog, and begin writing.

i'm here in the land of love, or what my bffae-s call it. i'm here in the land of love with her, and will be here for the next 2 months or so.

things have changed, if i dare say so. the dynamics have changed. not in a bad way, no. more like we are now so comfortable with each other, there are a lot of thing we say and do unknowingly, because we're so much like a part of each other.

it's funny, how we live so apart, we live far apart from each other, in different countries, but each time we meet, each time we live together when i'm there with her or she's in my country with me, it is never different, it is never awkward. it's almost as if we live in the same country and see each other everyday. i dare say, however, that the only difference lies in us knowing, and being aware of what we have and what we do not have currently, and the steps we take to cherish and treasure it shows our awareness. we do not take seeing each other, meeting each other, living with each other, for granted. as a matter of fact, we do not really take each other for granted when it comes to things like these.

i notice, though, a certain change in her. she's becoming short-tempered. she's becoming demanding. she's becoming spoilt. and she takes certain things that i do for her for granted. it's satirical, how the characteristics she used to dislike in me, now has disappeared from me and manifests itself in her. perhaps it is a kind of revenge, for me to feel how she felt in the past.

but if anything, she taught me patience. she taught me patience and love. so now, i am exceedingly patient with her. at times, like awhile ago, i see her temper rise so quick, so fast, and in such spurts of outrage that of course, my own temper rises. i don't like it, and i try to calm down.

most of the time, though, i am exceedingly patient with her. perhaps it is her thesis year, perhaps that is why her temper is short, she is demanding. and most times, i don't mind. in fact, i don't mind very much at all. but sometimes, it is in her actions, and for the time that i've been here, there have been times where i feel she doesn't love me, where i feel that maybe, just maybe, i'm her comfort zone, i'm her reassurance, i help her with her work, i tutor her, but that is all there is to it.

i don't get mad, though, because i understand that she wants to keep things in control. she wants to keep it under wraps. and she doesn't wanna hurt the people i don't wanna hurt too. but if it is too extreme, if her actions are too extreme, perhaps it could be a reflection of how she feels? i don't know, and i don't wanna think about it. i asked her, and she looked me in the eyes and told me she loves me. and if she can look me in the eye and say it, then i believe her, and i trust in her. for i have no reason to do otherwise.

the dynamics have changed some, but my patience and love have grown too. perhaps we really are meant to be. we work well together. we laugh happily together. we make love with a passion and a love so deep and so real that i could never feel it with anyone else but her. and there is no one i can imagine myself with, except her.

perhaps we really are meant to be. it is a magical world, after all.

on another note, my results were just released, for my last elective of my course. and i got an A+. a dammit A+! i have never gotten an A+ for any science or calculating module. in other words, any module that requires math or science, i have never gotten an A+. but i have. this time, i really outdid myself.

i don't know why. perhaps it was a drive to graduate, because i feel like a failure. perhaps because my prof said i was too brave in attempting to take a science module when i come from an arts background. perhaps i needed to prove it to my family. or perhaps i just wanted to show her that she, too, can be my lucky star and my motivation.

perhaps, i needed it for myself.

whatever it may be, i did it. i really did it. i got an A+. and now, i am a proud graduate.

i am a proud graduate, with better results than i expected. and i am with her, happily in love, living with my girl.

things have never been better. :)