dreams

i had sucha weird dream last night. i dreamt that two men were trying to capture my older sis and me for some apparent reason, and i did the only thing everyone's conditioned to do. i fought back like hell. my sis didn't help, but she came up with the idea of escaping i think. it was so funny, i punched their faces until they blacked out in the van, then i ran to a bright blue Toyota Vios and drove away with my sis, tires squealing and peeling rubber! only thing was, the car had no power, so i kept trying to step on the accelerator and push it forward. and as we looked back, we saw someone. but for some apparent reason, both of us were so afraid of getting into trouble that we ran instead of going to look for help. its uncanny, seeing as we weren't in the wrong; we were captured! and then the whole scene changed to win-neh (lol!) and i in search of cheap bubble tea because i had no money. lol.

i guess in some ways, the fact that i ran away though i needed help and i wasn't in the wrong shows how im really like. i know i shouldn't read too much into things, but i was just thinking about this just now. maybe we have all been so used to conforming to laws that though things are done in self defense, we run, because we're afraid of the consequences. maybe.

maybe, though, it just mirrors how i still think, in certain ways. i don't voice out the fact that i need someone, or that i need love, affection, care, help, oftentimes. because i have been so used to independence, doing things on my own, eventually getting through tough times on my own that i don't really see a need to voice it out. but i realise, now, that it isn't all that good. it leaves me teetering on the brink of that blakc dark hole of unhappiness and loneliness, that i dun really want. it vacates me, leaving me with a vacuum of an empty space. so i am trying everything in my power to stop being too independent.

trust me, i will stop being too independent. desist!