dear diary

Dear Diary,

I'm back home again.

Back from my trip to fly over and spend time with the love of my life, the girl of my dreams, my baby. Back from my trip to love her, to show her that our love will always be. I go over to spend time with her every three months, the last time I went over being in July. I think I will continue going over every three months or so, until she comes over here to live for some time.

This trip, this time, was different from the previous trip in July. I guess this was due to the many things that happened from the July to October period. The one thing that remains constant? Our love. Of that, I am sure. I know one can never be too sure of anything, but of this, I am sure. Because I see how she loves in her own way, as I love in my own way. It's in everything -- from the way we hold each other, to the way we kiss, to our clandestine hand-holding under the table and in the car, to the way our bodies fit against each other when we sleep, to the time spent together, to the way our lips and hands fit, to the way we love. We just fit.

It was a soul-searching trip this time. You know, dear diary, how it is that sometimes, one feels like there are too many 'why's, and too little 'because's? I think I was that someone. That one person with so many whys that I choke on it, but too little answers to the whys. Then, it was time to go on the trip. The one thing that made me feel alive -- making the trip, going over to spend time with her.

I spent a lot of time with myself on the trip. On those days when she wasn't able to sleep over, and the days where she could only spend an hour or two with me, on the nights when I slept alone and woke up alone, I had a lot of time to myself. Those were soul-searching nights -- digging deep into my soul to find the answers to whatever questions I subconsciously had, but which I never wanted to ask out loud. There was a lot of 'me' time on this trip, just me, thinking, alone with my thoughts, alone with my soul, searching, searching, searching.

So, dear diary, when the two weeks I spent there was almost up, I came to a sort of consensus with myself. I say 'sort of', because I know that no matter how you reach an answer, there will always be more questions, and many more answers that follow.

One thing is that I know it's us, as I know that it's her. That with her, I am fully, completely, wholly happy. Cheesy as it may sound, she completes my inner soul, my outer self, everything comes together as one. The power of two, you can call it.

It's been a tough three months, from July to October. We went through a particularly bad period, where we were apart for three weeks. That was terrible, horrendous. But there, in her hometown, I realised so many things I never knew about the self that I am now.

I realise that I am now, very much more accepting of many things I previously didn't like to accept. I realise that I now, listen more than I did in the past, without refuting or talking back. I realise that I now give in more, let go of trivial things easier, and fight less with her. And I realise that there are many ways of showing love and affection for your other half, and that everyone will always love and express it differently.

Dear diary, I learnt one other thing about myself during this soul-searching time. I now place more emphasis on human relationships. Not that I didn't in the past, but that I let myself be overly consumed by too many things that were trivial, in retrospect. I now actively put in more effort to maintain these friendships, this lovely relationship that I have. The only front that has yet to resolve itself is on the family front, but of that, I have no control over.

The family front has gotten a lot worse, apparently a lot happened when I was away, and so now, on the family front, it has not only become worse, it has become overly disastrous and very unresolvable, at least on my part, because I have no control over it, nor do I desire to want to have some form of control over it.

But you know, dear diary, even up till the day that I left to go to my baby's hometown, I used to think that my presence was not as keenly felt as I wanted it to be. I used to think I was replacable, that my numerous roles as a friend, a lover, a listener, a sister, was inconsequential and not worth much. In other words, I used to think that my presence and the many roles I filled was worth nothing. I still felt that way when I was in the plane, on the way to her hometown.

Then I did some soul-searching there. And then, I returned back home to Singapore, after two weeks with my baby in her hometown.

And when I came back, it dawned on me that my presence was not worth nothing.

There is nothing more heartwarming than to return home, turn on your phone, and realise that there are plenty of messages waiting for you. Messages welcoming you home, messages finding out if you are home and if you are safe and well. Messages from people who care and who have been looking out for you while you were in unsafe territory. And there is nothing more heartwarming than to return home and hear and see from the people around you that your presence was worth something.

There is nothing more heartwarming than hearing a sincere 'I really missed you while you were away'. Some may say it is patronising, some may say it isn't true, some may say I am egotistical. But for someone, for me, who previously thought that my presence and my roles were worth nothing, it was heartwarming. Just, genuinely heartwarming.

To hear my friends telling me that they missed me, that they missed my presence, that they wanted me home again because going away for two weeks was far too long, it made me realise the kind of person I've become.

It is not that I haven't put in effort to maintain my friendships with my friends, but rather, before the horrible period in September when she and I were apart, I let my life revolve around too many things, and I didn't place enough emphasis on many things that I should have. Then I came back from the trip in July, sad. Following that, we were apart for three weeks in September. And from there on, I changed. I placed emphasis on my friendships, just being there, just listening, just offering a listening ear, a comforting shoulder, just hanging out and making time for the people that matter to me.

Sometimes, just the words 'I understand' can bring a great deal of comfort to a dear friend who needs it most.

And now, I realise that my presence, the many roles that I take on, are not worth nothing. That my presence is worth something, that my absence is missed, that my presence is wanted and needed. That maybe, I'm not that insignificant after all. And that I am a lot more secure.

It is evident even with her, with my baby. I don't need many words, many texts from her, as I previously did. I don't need an immediate reply, I don't need a text every 10 minutes from her, to make me realise that she loves me, that she misses me. Instead, now, I am just secure in the knowledge that we are together, that she loves me and I love her, that she will always be mine and I will always be hers. I don't need a text from her every 10 minutes, all I need is a few text messages, or contact, but everyday, all I need are her words, her heart, and I know that she is expressing her love for me. In her own little way.

So, dear diary, I have come a long way, haven't I? I think I have. But ultimately, this trip, this soul-searching, the things that happened in September, they helped. They happened for a reason, and they helped, both me, and her, and the many people who play a part in our lives, in many different ways.

Her hometown has become my second home. And she has become my home, my shelter, my protection.

Home is where the heart is, and my heart is with her. My baby.

So no matter how far apart we are in distance, no matter where we live, I know that everyday, from now until forever, I will be coming home to her. Every single day. I found that one person I want to be with, no matter the obstacles in our way.

Because my heart is with her.
Because she holds my heart.
And home is where the heart is at.

So, dear diary, I know that for every day, from now until a long time to come, I am going home to the girl I love, every single day, every single night.