sometimes it just is

Sometimes, it just is so. No matter how you want it to be.

I can't seem to stop the tears that flow. They flow, even when I try to stop it. When I am somewhere outside, when I am doing something, it just starts reminding me of what I had with her in the past, and then the tears would well up. I've cried so much, I don't even know where all the tears are coming from now.

It feels so empty. It's as if my heart is being squeezed by something or someone, and the emptiness is so bleak and so foreign that it makes me wish that I couldn't feel.

It is so very painful, so hurting. The emptiness is always there, no matter how I always try to chase it away. Even doing menial everyday things makes me think of her, and then the emptiness will manifest itself yet again.

I've been strong for so long, I've kept my defences up high, built my walls, been so strong that I have not been hurt by someone or by a relationship in so long a time that I cannot count. I have been strong even when she wasn't, last time. I was strong when she needed me, when I needed her, in the past.

I have always been strong, so just for now, can I just be weak? Can I just long to cuddle, to hold her, to feel her hands in mine? Could I be that weak?

But I cannot, because it isn't right anymore. It no longer is the thing that should push me forward each day. It is not something that I can do.

There aren't much things to push me towards waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night now.

I cannot get to sleep, I am listless, and I have no energy.

This sucks. Really.