i wonder how??

mood: pondering

music: Time To Grow - Lemar

i used to think that i wouldn't bother about the world. about anybody except myself. however, that is changing. because even if i don't bother about the world, the world holds me prisoner in so many ways. i am not out to many people, only a few. my close friends, i guess. i thought that wouldn't matter so much. that knowing who you were was enough. that has come to change. today someone told me that how out you were and the location where you're at is important too. why the hell didn't i think of that? n here i was thinking that its so hard to find the right person to love. to me knowing who i am and what my identity is is more than enough. BUT. it takes more than that. and the point being that the country where i live in is so small almost everyone has seen everyone before. well. not that bad. but this just brings out my point. its so small there's no such thing as location. word travels very easily here. and i don't want to have to hurt the people who love me by letting hear who i really am. i know they can't, and they will never accept. but i want to be in a relationship. i want to find the girl i love and who loves me. i want to find the one. its so difficult, however. because i don't mix around easily. because this place is so small. because i can't be out to everyone. because i may seem cold and distant at first until one really gets to know me. so many reasons, so many excuses, and no solutions. and its so hard to be accepted here. or anywhere else for this matter. people give u wierd looks. they stare. they pass comments. they judge even when you don't judge. how bad can it get. when will i ever find the one i love? when will i find someone who loves me? i wonder how people like me are ever going to settle down in a loving, accepting relationship. so. thought of the day: because i believe that without love, there isn't much to hang on to.