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Sleeping is even worse than being awake.

Whoever said that just by going to sleep, and tomorrow would be a better day, was lying.

I tried to sleep last night. And when I did, my dreams were so happy. But when I awoke about 2 hours later, there was only sadness. Even more acute because of the happiness I had in my dreams. So I decided sleeping was even worse than being awake. Therefore after trying to sleep at about 1am, I've been awake since 3am.

Actually there isn't a difference between sleeping and awaking. In both cases there is still so much sadness and hurt that it's almost unbelievable. Parochial, I know. I'm being so parochial. But step into my shoes, maybe then you would know.

I had built the walls around me. They were safe and secure. Then she came along, breaking down the walls inside. And so I could feel, totally. And then she just left. Leaving me to build up those walls again. But how can I, when it took me 4 years to build up those walls? It's like being a puppet.

How does one just walk away like that, without any feelins, any regrets? Is it then that there must not be a lot of love? Or that maybe I don't matter as much to her?

I have so many questions that are unanswered, yet I can't ask them. Because I know she does not want to answer them, and I don't want to put her in a tight spot or press her.

But my heart aches. It actually physically aches, until every breath I take is such a deep painful breath. I wonder sometimes, if my heart would murmur even more.

Waves of feeling begins to surge out, from the place where they have been dammed up. The dams are open, and now the tears won't stop. I would have cried a river, and maybe even more. But do you even know? Do you even shed any tears?

Love isn't sad. What's sad is being drowned by all these emotions. Emotions of too much love, of a lack of love, of not having someone who would be there, of shattered dreams and broken hearts.

When will these all go away? It hurts too too much. I need to get out. I need to run.

Run.

Run away.

And when all the walls are down,
And when you see all my vulnerabilities,
How do you just walk away without turning back?
Would you even know the pain?

There is only this. Nothing else.

My apologies if once again, anyone reading this thinks that I'm just being shallow and parochial. What I have to say to that is this. Step into my shoes. Maybe then you would know. To each her own. Until you're me, you can't say much.