lost as lost

Understanding is not a word I would use to describe me. But understanding is what I can do, and because I understand, sometimes it makes me want to run far away.

The tension is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. The atmosphere is honestly, stifling.

But I understand, in part, why things are happening this way. Which is why I try not to do or say anything much. But sometimes, don't you know, it isn't just all about you, or what you want this place to be like?

Sometimes, I really wonder, could it be because I am too flexible, too easy-going about certain stuff, because I don't fuss, that things always are done much better for others? Could it be because I understand?

It makes me want to leave here. It makes me want to escape. It makes me want to shout, if only to get some sense into you. What the fuck do you think you're doing to this life? Look around you, what have you fucking made everyone become?

It is honestly so tense and suffocating that I am beginning to view time in this place as moving in slow-motion. It makes me leave everyday, but only to return at night. Sometimes, it makes me go out alone, if only to breathe.

But I always find my way back. To where it is supposedly safest, and loveliest.

Is it, really, now?

If because understanding enables me to feel such tension and suffocation when others cannot feel it, if understanding makes me see how you feel such that I always give in.

Then can I not be understanding for once?

Maybe ignorance really is bliss.

Lost as lost.