how does it feel?

How does it feel everyday since I've left and flew back home, do you know?

Well...

It feels empty and different. I feel a certain kind of emptiness, like I was meant to be somewhere else, or that there was someone who was supposed to be with me. My life now feels mundane. It feels incomplete. I feel as if there's a missing part of my heart, and only you can piece it back and make it complete. But you're so far away, and although we're so close, we're so far.

I know that I've given you the most important part of my heart in that three weeks that I spent with you. And now that I'm back home, you still hold the missing part of my heart. I can never be complete, not until you come home to me. Not until you are with me. Only then will my life be complete.

I don't want to think; I refuse to think. Everywhere I go to, something will remind me of you. It would make me want to turn back time so bad, go back to those weeks where I would walk around the mall with you, have lunch, dinner with you, walk home with you, sleep beside you.
So I try not to think. I try not to let my mind go back to those days, I try not to dig into my thoughts. It's a constant battle, trying not to think.

So I go out everyday. I try not to be alone for too long everyday. I keep away from my family as much as possible because being around them would make me want to run away, back to you and those weeks. I go out with different people, do useless, mundane things just to while away the time. I talk to friends whom I know understand and will listen, but in doing so, it hurts me, it breaks my heart. So I try to refrain from talking about you. But sometimes I cannot help but to talk about you, only because I miss you. And when I talk about you, I feel lucky, and so proud that you are mine.

I smoke too much, I eat too little. I spend as much time as possible with my friends, just to distract myself. Because I don't want to sift through my thoughts anymore. I smoke too much, I spend a great deal of money to try and buy happiness. Some form of happiness. I listen to songs and they remind me of you and the time spent in the condo. I am never at home, and my parents constantly wonder why I'm so busy when school has yet to start for me. I make my plans everyday to meet up with all and any friends, just so I can distract myself and I wouldn't think about missing you that bad. I smoke too much. I eat too little.

And, as much as possible, I attempt not to return home too early at night. Someone once said that the nights were the worst. Under the cover of darkness, no one sees you clearly. So you're entitled to be your real self, the sad, lonely one, the angry one, or the hurting one. You're entitled to be yourself completely, and the feelings that you keep hidden are now allowed to resurface, even if you don't want it to.

So I prolong going home at night for as long as possible. I smoke too much near my block, texting you and needing you here by my side. And when I get home, I try to keep busy. Use my laptop, read a book, listen to good music. But everything still reminds me of you. Then I start thinking that I should go to sleep. But sleep won't come for me, and I can't go to sleep. So sometimes I hope that you'd be somewhere near me at night, just so I can talk to you, feel your presence. But you're always busy, always tired, and I never have the heart to tell you that I want to talk to you.

And when I sleep, I sleep the sleep of the restless. I wake up at random times of the night, throughout the whole night. And at times, when I awake in the morning, I keep thinking that I'd find you beside me. The scent of your perfume on our bear is the last thing at night and the first thing in the morning that is on my mind. And when I wake in the morning, there is always a time where I try to deny that I'm back home, and I keep wishing myself back to the weeks in the condo with you. When I sleep, I dream restless dreams. Dreams of things that I can remember. Dreams of you, of feeling the happiness I only feel when I'm around you.

I dreamt of that this morning. I dreamt of the happiness I only feel when I'm around you. I dreamt of you. And when I came out of my dream this morning, I didn't want to wake up. Because, for 6 days, I've been trying not to think about you. Yet, with one dream, it brought back the sensation of missing you so greatly that my heart started to break all over again.

You really want to know how it feels, to be loving someone so much and with everything that you've got, only to know that she's so far away? Do you really want to know?

This is how it feels. Empty.

I feel so empty. My life feels empty, my life feels incomplete. As much as I try to laugh and smile, no matter how silly I try to be in order to be happy and to laugh wholeheartedly, it never works. I laugh, but with an empty sadness in my heart. I want to laugh with you. I want to tease you. My happiness now is not complete, my happiness now is not real, because you aren't here with me. You're the source of my happiness, don't you know?

I sound like a brat, taking everything for granted. In all honesty, I'm grateful that I have these wonderful friends of mine, who seem to know that I'm down and upset, and will talk to me, meet up with me, try to cheer me up. P, C, L, S, and everyone else. And through them, I know that I should be lucky and happy that I belong to someone, who also belongs to me. That I love someone who also loves me back. That I have someone, and she has me. This is, after all, far better than not having someone.

I know that, and precisely because I know that, I never fail to thank my lucky stars everyday for having found you, for you having found me. Because we love each other so much, it's hard, isn't it. It's hard being so far away when my source of happiness comes from you. When you are the one I love with everything in me.

But, everyday, I wish that I was back at GB or the condo, walking around with you, shopping, waiting for you to come home to me after school. I wish I could feel your arms around me, your lips on my lips, your hand in my hand. I wish I could hear your voice, smell the scent of you. I'm losing my appetite, I'm eating too little, smoking too much, and every song somehow relates to me. When I laugh, it isn't complete happiness. This feeling is so empty.. so so empty.

Regardless, though, I know that, at the very least, you're mine, and I'm yours. You belong to me, and I belong to you. And I know that most importantly, I love you as you love me.

We belong together. We belong to each other, and that is what matters the most, isn't it? Have faith, be patient, in a few months, I'll be seeing you again. In 2 years, you'll be with me everyday, for real.

Don't you know that we both belong?
Don't you know that we'll last forever?

Because you complete me.

Wait for me, just wait...

I'll be seeing you soon.