barely breathing

Barely breathing.
Is this how it feels like?
Is this how it's supposed to be?
Why have I never this pain until now?

It hurts... it's so painful.
It hurts to wake up, it hurts to fall asleep.
It hurts to be living my life this way.

I am barely breathing.
I sleep restlessly.
I don't want to wake up.
It's so hard to stand.
It's so hard to stand and do what I'm supposed to do,
when all I want to do is slide to the floor and curl in a ball.
Not moving. Not breathing.
Just letting it all wash over me.

Waiting for the pain to lessen.
Will it ever?
My perception of everything changed.
How can it ever?

This morning I woke to find that I was crying.
I spent the night crying, I spend the day crying.
Because of you.
Because I loved you, and because I still do.
Because I know that I cannot let you go.
How is it that I have so much tears left in me?
How is it that an aching heart can never stop aching?

I'm losing control.
I'm losing the one person who ever made me whole, completely.
I'm losing the ability to stay strong.
How do I be strong when it hurts so so deep?

The pain cuts like a knife.
It's a dull, aching pain that can never go away.
It constricts my heart.
It makes me barely able to breathe.
It is so painful each time I see or do something that reminds me of you.

Which is everything.

We belong.
Didn't you know that?
Why did you have to doubt?
Why didn't you listen to your heart?
I tried to tell you so many times.
It's love, just love that keeps us going.
Why did you have to doubt?
Don't you know that we both belong?
Even with the distance, even without the distance,
we fit. We just fit.
We make it all so hard, when it could all be so simple.

You made my days complete.
It was always you, at the end of everyday.
That was why I never faltered, no matter how busy you were.
Because it is you, at the end of everyday.

But now...
Now....
Now I'm barely breathing.
I can hardly walk.
I can hardly do what I'm supposed to do.
I run away from school.
I just want to curl up in a ball.
I just want to hide under the covers and pretend you're with me.
I just want to slide to the floor and make the pain go away.
I don't want to wake up, ever.
I want to sleep and make believe you're sleeping beside me.
I want to sleep and make believe I will wake with your arm around me, your kisses on me.

Now...
Now I can't move.
It's like I'm standing still.
Every move that I make hurts every part of me.
Why are we torturing ourselves like this?

It is always you.
Didn't you know?
Don't you know?
It could only be you.
Why did you have to do this?
It always is you.
What more did you have to doubt?

The heart always says what the mind refuses to believe.

I love you, god I love you so much it hurts so bad...
I still do...
I still love you...
I don't know how much longer I can hold on to what little strength I have.
I have to stop crying.
I have to stop hurting.
But everything reminds me of you...

I want you.
I want you so bad it hurts.
I want to be beside you.
I want to love you and tell you it will all be okay.
I want to hold you and tell you to hold on to your faith, to hold on to your trust.
I want to hold you so tight and bury my face in your hair.
I want to hold you and tell you to believe in your love.
In my love.
I want you.
I just want you.
I just love you.
Couldn't you see it?
Can't you see it?

God.....
Hurts so bad.
Every little thing reminds me of you.

I try to run from your side
But each place I hide
Only reminds me of you.
When I turn out all the lights
Even the night
Only reminds me of you...