hidden enemies

There isn't an easy way to describe how I'm feeling. Words aren't sufficient enough to put into description how I feel.

What, how?
Any ideas?

There is a hidden enemy inside of me. A hidden spoke, a hidden serrated blade. Whatever it may be. And at first, it's alright. It feels like everything is going fine, it feels as if nothing is wrong. It feels like the enemy is settling, after all, never to rise again.

Then my whirlpool of a mind starts to work. I start to think. Begin to recall. Start to remember what was going on. What went on, what might still be or not be going on. And with this whirlpool of thoughts, the enemy slowly, but surely, starts to rise up.

I start to remember how it no longer is me. The text that I received. The words that I heard. The feeling I've been getting for a few days now. The words that were spoken. And the enemy rises.

This hidden spoke, this hidden serrated blade, starts to slowly, but surely, twist its way into my heart. I start to feel a certain numbness, yet it isn't numbness. It's the feeling that comes before the pain hits. The feeling that warns you that pain is on its way. I try to guard against it, I try to stop it from coming, I try to distract myself. But the enemy wins, anyway. It twists its sharp serrated blade deeper into my heart, with each word I recall her saying. The blade goes way, way deeper, when I realise that maybe she doesn't think about me anymore. That it isn't my messages she's looking forward to receiving, that it isn't my calls she's looking forward to getting, that it isn't me that she's thinking of anymore. That it isn't me she wants to talk to. But the blade is sharpest and deepest, when I realise that maybe it isn't me she wants to be with anymore, it isn't me she wants to love any longer.

The blade has hit its spot. The spot it meant to hit all along. Deep within the heart. And the hurt intensifies.

I spent the whole of last night with my thoughts. I couldn't get to sleep. At 6am, I was still wide awake, eyes sore, heart aching, replying her texts, wanting nothing more than to just wish it had never happened. Wanting nothing more than to just wish she had not done that, that she hadn't said the words she did. I was never more wide awake than that, yet my heart, my body, felt like it was asleep and it couldn't feel.

I don't know how to think. I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to feel. All I know is that I just want for this feeling to go away. This feeling of a hidden blade that twists its way into my heart each time I think of it, each time that I think about her. I just want for this feeling to go away, I just want for her to tell me it will be okay, I just want for her to tell me that it still is me, that she still loves me, that it was a mistake. All I want is for her to tell me that she will do something about it, that together we will do something about it. All I want is for this feeling to go away, and for us to just love. Because I love her, even if maybe, just maybe, I don't know if she does.

The hidden enemy.
In my heart.
Take it away.
Come and take it away.
Because it brings sadness, and it brings pain.
Take it away.