second reality

(*credits to tntblonde on Flickr)

How many second chances are there in this world? Even if there was a second chance, how many people would recognize it as a second chance? What are the chances that these same people would procrastinate and complain, instead of seeing a situation as a second chance?

This is reality. Reality, in its most honest light, is cruel. Seen under intense, bright light, reality is so harsh it hurts your eyes. Reality is painful. It takes you on a whirlwind ride across the universe, only to drop you down from such great heights. You fall, and as you’re falling, every emotion pervades you. No matter how small that feeling is, it permeates your soul. And for that moment when you’re falling, you let your guard down. You are vulnerable. You have no defenses. Every single emotion penetrates your mind, your heart, your soul, right down to your bones.

Then you land. You land with such a jolt, the pain courses through your entire body. You land with such unexpected force onto reality that your first thought is to escape back into the fantasy world of your own. But you come to your senses, and you realize that this is reality. That reality has brought you here, and there is nowhere else to go, no way of escaping.

This is reality and you have to live it. Every single day.

Reality rarely gives you a second chance. If and when it does, how many of you actually recognize these second chances? Or do you complain, procrastinate, and lament the lack of second chances, instead of seeing it as one?

I am experiencing reality in its truest form now. And sometimes, I feel as if I’m standing outside myself, watching myself go through reality. I feel like a bystander, a third party, and omnipresence, observing myself go through the motions of reality. I criticize, I point out, I laugh at what I’m doing sometimes. Because I am me. And I know that that is not the real me. I observe myself standing so strong on the outside, pretending that everything is alright, when inside I feel myself slowly crumbling. I feel the wall in me slowly trembling, and I know that the strength on the outside is nothing but a mere façade. That I am not that strong after all. That I want to let my guard down and just run to someone I want, someone I need.

The more I observe, the more I hear what people are saying. Reality is so penetrating that it now embodies almost all men. So they judge. Reality leads people to judge, to assume, to a certain perception that more often than not, is not true. But the accused standing before this courtroom full of judges and jury can not defend herself. For even before she takes the stand, she has already been judged and pronounced guilty by each of these outwardly righteous people.

I pretend not to listen, but I know what they say. I know what they think. Stupid. Insensible. Irresponsible. Immature. Not a fighter. Giving up so easily. Pretending to be all that intelligent, when in actual fact, I’m not. Even she tells me that I give up so easily.

When is it my turn to explain? When is it my turn to defend myself? Or is it because I screwed up, therefore I am not allowed to defend myself?

I am not giving up, I am accepting the blame and the consequences that follow. I am letting reality run its course. I am experiencing reality.

But I cannot bring myself to forgive myself. Perhaps it is reality that has led me to this, but I cannot bring myself to forgive me. I can hardly use the excuse that it is a learning process, that I am still young, because I am not. I am old enough to know what I should do and what I should not do. But I screwed up.

Perhaps because reality is so harsh, I cannot forgive myself. People make mistakes, but I should not have made this mistake. It is a mistake I should not have made.

Because reality is harsh, because we live in such a real world. Because I know what everyone will say, what everyone is already saying, and what they are thinking. So I am pulling myself down.

I feel… I feel stupid. I feel useless. I feel like an insensible, immature, irresponsible fool. I feel incredibly unintelligent that it is almost unbelievable.

I let myself down. In this harsh, cruel world we call reality, I let myself down. And all that is left to do, is to fix things right and recognize a second chance.