blood ties

Watched Project Runway yesterday. what striked me was how people were willing to go all out for a competition, for fashion. there was a lady, Kirsten who refused to use her family heirloom, a scarf, for the competition. she got booted out. and i thought that was grossly unfair. granted, her outfit was ugly, but the fact remains that at least to her, she retains her sense of blood ties being thicker than water, her integrity. she realises that at the end of the day, what really holds you up and keeps you standing isn't winning a competition, isn't becoming famous for fashion, but rather, her family and friends. and for that alone, i think she's a winner.

I think i can never join these kinda competitions. competitions that call for changing myself to suit the audience, to cast aside family ties, friendship, or love. competitions that want me to use family heirlooms, or gifts from friends or lovers that i cherish. no sirree, i can never join these competitions, because i would just lose horribly. to me, blood ties, friend, and my girlfriend, they mean more to me than winning a competition. so i guess that's too bad for me, ain't it? haha.

On a negative note, the girlfriend and i quarreled yesterday. somehow we always seem to quarrel, even when we say we won't. its just the way i say or do things tt she isn't happy with. sometimes i speak before thinking, and that hurts her, i know. so when i apologise, i am sincerely sorry. because i know how it feels, when people speak without thinking and planning to hurt anyone. but because of that, she wasn't really happy the whole time on the phone, and that wasn't nice. i guess becuase she isn't able to come back round and not get mad at me after a while, because i hurt her. so all i can do is to say sorry.

but do you know, when you throw a temper or are very angry, and you just say stuff without going through ur mind, it hurts too? it hurts all the more, not only because you say what you've been thinking for a long time, but because i know you mean it. and i know you really mean what you say and you really want to hurt or spite me. it affects me really greatly for a long while, that you could think such horrible thoughts of me, that you could actually think i was that way to you on purpose, but i know i will get over it soon. i understand why u do it, because i got u all riled up. so i know why you would wanna hurt me, but well, sometimes it really is very painful, to hear stuff like that 3 times in a row. but i just want you to know that in any case, i would never say things that would hurt u on purpose. im sorry for saying something i did not mean last night. i just spoke without thinking.

i could never be able to cope without seeing u for a week; i'd go crazy just by missing u alone. i guess that's all i want to say, but i can never say.