wishes and misses

I wish I could...

I have so many things to tell you.

But I don't know where to start, and I don't know what to say. Writing has always been cathartic for me, but for once, for once I don't know what to say. I don't know how to articulate how I feel. What I'm feeling.

I wish I could tell you all that I am thinking inside. I wish I could tell you, just so you would know, and it wouldn't be so hard for me to keep it all inside anymore.

Do you know...
Don't you know...
Did you know...

But I can't bring myself to tell you. My pride prevents me from pouring it all out to you. My pride, and that small little part in me that's still hurting. My pride, that hurt, and the subconscious need to want to protect myself. Up until now, I've been fighting it well. I'm not protecting myself from you, because deep down, I know I don't have to protect myself from you. I know you love me, and I know you would never do anything to hurt me. So up till now, I have not protected myself from you.

But that small little part of me that wants to protect myself from you is a subconscious thing. Building walls around my heart, once again. But why do I want to? I don't need to build walls around my heart. I know you, I know you, my love. And I know that around you, I don't need to build walls.

Then why? Why can't I bring myself to tell you? Could it be more than just pride? Could it be that I was let down?

I couldn't get to sleep last night. I thought, and I thought. My pride. It is my pride. But it goes beyond that. It goes beyond that. Some part of me, some part of me still longs for that girl, that girl who told me she would always mend my heart and never break it. And when it broke, in ways I couldn't describe, I was let down. I let myself down, maybe. Disappointment. I expected, I had only this one dream that I allowed myself to dream, and it crumbled.

I had this immense longing to just see you last night. To just be beside you, to just hold your hand, feel your arm around me as I slept. To feel your kisses, to be with you. I had an immense longing to fly over to see you. Because I knew that as long as I could be in your presence, you would make everything alright. You have that ability to do that to me. You make everything alright. But I have to wait. I have to wait a year. And that immense longing, that immense longing, it sometimes hurts.

I am building up my dream again, building up the dream that crumbled. I am building it, because I believe in you. Because in spite of everything, I still believe in you. And I know I still love you as much as I did, the day before, the week before, the month before. My love for you could never lessen.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I wish I could tell you, tell you everything that I've been thinking of, everything I'm feeling. I wish I could share it all, completely and honestly, with you. I want you to share everything that you've been thinking and feeling too. Just so I can fight it with you. Just so I can go through everything with you.

I wish I could...

I wish I could tell you everything...

So I wouldn't feel so alone.

I love you.

These three words--
You'll never stop hearing it from me.

These words were written in my heart, long before you said it to me.

For you.

I love you, baby.
Everything will be alright.