i am...

I tread cautiously.

There still is this slightest bit of doubt. There still is this slightest bit of not being able to distinguish truth from untruths. I know that there still is this niggling sense of doubt in the back of my mind, doubt and uncertainty.

Things are mending. It should be better soon. But not yet. Not yet, because it is still fresh in my mind. Not yet, because despite the way I am on the outside, what I feel and think on the inside, is a hybrid of different feelings, different thoughts. So, not yet, because I still doubt slightly, because I am still slightly uncertain.

Up til this point of time, I have never been this uncertain. I am uncertain as to whether she thinks of me, or of someone else. Uncertain as to whether it is me she longs for, or someone else. Uncertain as to whether she could still be looking, still be encouraging whatever happened to happen.

In all honesty, even if it hurts to say this, I am insecure.

I used to think I was secure in the knowledge that even if she acted like she didn't bother, even if she acted like she forgot about me, I knew she was with me. But now, I am insecure. I don't know if it's me she's thinking of. I don't know if it's me she really loves, or does she have enough space in her heart to encompass someone else. I don't know... I don't know so many things.

I choose not to think about it. It's mind over matter, isn't it not? So I choose not to think about it.

But sometimes, being too passive wrecks so many things. There is a time for everything. And when things are not turning out right, and if you want to do something about it, you set about starting to fix things. Likewise, when collective impression management fails, you set about creating a new image of yourself to make up for the misdeeds.There is a time for everything. Being passive, at this time, does not breed well. Being passive, at this time, only increases so many of these emotions. Passive versus proactive. Why can't one just be proactive when there is a need to be? Why can't passivity be put aside, for a later time when things are going well?

I'm uncertain as to whether she really cares and bothers. I am uncertain... I am uncertain of a great many things. And being passive does not help in this case. Sometimes, it really is in the words I say. Sometimes, it really is in the words that I repeat. Sometimes, even though I make a joke about it, you should know the degree of truth in it.

I cannot always be proactive, when I have no way of fixing things. I cannot always be the proactive one. Not when I don't know what to do. I don't know how to think, I don't know what to feel. I don't know a great many things.

But I know I still love her.

I am five times of uncertainty, five times of doubt, five times of insecurity, and five times of belief, faith, and love.