10 months and i love yous

because it is 10 months today
because it is almost a year
instead of something depressing
instead of lamenting on something that is not
it is writing on something that is
it's a post...
for my girl, my baby, my love
a post all for her.

And so I write in prose, not in poetry. Prose, because it is something continuous. Prose, because it is something that deserves to be written down. Not poetry, which is depressing. Not poetry, that is cut short and meant for sadder things. Prose.

I think. And I know that this will be the longest entry to date, and I don't blame you if you won't read it, but I just have to write it down, because I feel like I'm the luckiest girl on earth, to be loved by you, and to love you.

(In other words, it's a warning that this is going to be the longest entry ever to date.)

As cheesy as it may sound, she is the reason I believe in love now. Yes, I know it's lame and it's cheesy. But cheesy as it is, she is the answer to everything. As far as I recall, for many months now, I can say for 2, maybe 3 years now, I've been wishing, praying, for someone to come along. Someone like her. And she came along. And we're 10 months now. So as lame, as cheesy as it may seem, she is the answer to all my wishes and prayers.

A year ago, maybe even longer, I asked for someone. I asked for a girl, the girl who would love me as I love her, the girl who would never hold me on a tight leash, who would never control me to the extent where I turn around on her. I asked for a girl, a girl who would be the love of my life.

A year ago, maybe even longer, I asked for someone. I asked for a girl whom I could share my ups and downs with. I asked for a girl whom I could go through everything with and not be shy or embarrassed. I asked for a girl whom I could go on adventures of love with. I asked for a girl who would know what I want, and would let me get it. I asked for a girl whom I could have great, mind-blowing, incredible, loving sex with. I asked for a girl whom I could make love to, in every means of the word. I simply asked for a girl who would love me whole enough to give me all of the above.

And then she came along.

This girl... my girl. My Peter Pan, my cute little sweet love, my silly, blur girl, she came along.

And then I got together with her. It was the best decision I had ever made. She changed me.

She made me smile. She made me laugh. She is the reason why there is a light in my eyes now. She made me realise that everything was possible. She made me see that with faith and love, anything could be overcome. She taught me that as long as it was love, even barriers such as distance meant nothing, because it is love. Just love. She made me love, wholly. (And, mind you, I didn't love wholly and completely for a long time until she came along.) She is the reason why, when I hear a love song, I smile. She is the girl that comes to my mind when sappy, goosebump-y songs like "Forever Love" and "From This Moment On" come on the airwaves. She is the reason why I am pushing myself to graduate fast. She is the reason why I am working so hard. And she is the reason why I go over every 3 months or even sooner.

But most of all, this girl, my girl, is the reason why I now believe that there is a forever. The only girl that I want to live with, be with, stay together with, in the future.

I never really believed in such a thing as forever. I never really believed in the ideals of a marriage. I never really thought that I would want to live with someone, stay with someone forever. I never really had dreams for the future.

But this girl of mine... what can I say? Suddenly, 10 months have passed, and everyday, I still find myself thinking the same thing. Wishing the same thing.

Stupid and embarrassing as it may be, everyday, I dream of this -- me and you, together forever, living together in the same house, sharing our lives, sharing our dreams, realising our dreams together. Growing old together.

And here I go, embarrassing myself further. Reminiscing how it was, 10 months ago.

The first night we kissed, it was incredible. Fireworks. (Prior to this, I had only heard of fireworks as something that came on during National Day. I didn't believe a first kiss could cause fireworks.) I am not shy to admit that it had been a long time since I felt what I felt when she kissed me. (Yes, she kissed me first. I didn't kiss her first.)

The feeling still brings tingles, even now, when I think about it. When she kissed me, my heart started racing, my whole body was on fire, I had goosebumps, and there was this electricity in the air. There was a funny feeling in my heart. A funny, melting tingling feeling in my heart. Do you remember the song, love? Drops of Jupiter by Train. And there was this incredible feeling in my heart that I couldn't described. It was as if I was waiting for you. It was as if my heart had been waiting for you all along.

And after that night, the whole 2 weeks that you were here, it was just incredible. The fun we had, the long long steamy nights we had (oh yes, we sure had plenty of those until 5 in the morning), the hours we would spend sitting on the doorsteps, smoking and talking and just holding hands, it was magnificent.

The nights we spent in bed, where I then realised that you were wild. Oh yes, you were wild, and you weren't even shy about it. In fact, it was me trying to protect you, before I realised that you were so wild and soooo... you know... that it was okay. (Please skip past this paragraph if you are shy love.)

Our hands fit, baby, even our hands fit. We just fit.

And after 10 months, I have come to realise what it is that I have been feeling. That I couldn't describe before.

It was like when you came along, when I got together with you, it was like... I could hear the sound of the lock being turned in my heart, and the sound of the door in my heart swinging open. And then you stepped into my heart, you took up all the place there, made a room and a house for yourself, and lived in it. And after you stepped in, the door in my heart closed, and the lock turned.

You are the one living in my heart. And you hold the key to my heart. Only you.

Cheesy, I know. But that is what it is, and that is what I recognise it as.

10 months now, my love. And you still hold the key to my heart. I believe you will always hold the key to my heart. There isn't anyone I could love more than you. We are going to be a year soon, baby. And it still will be you. What can I say? You captured my heart, live in it, and you hold the key to my heart.

I know this can never be adequate. I don't know how to express myself fully in words at times like these. This isn't adequate enough for what I feel. It is just the beginnning of describing of how I feel.

But, in simple, cheesy words...

I'm here because I found this one thing is true,
That I'm nothing without you.
I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else.
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself.
I'd rather have hard times together than to have it easy apart.
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart.

Happy 10th monthsary my baby.
We're almost a year now, love.

I love you.
You don't know how much I do, but I really do... so much.

In your words,
I love you more, baby.

I love you.