if there's a will

do you believe that if there's a will, there's a way?

internal or external locus of control?

i would like to think that i'm a combination of both -- i believe in internal and external locus of control. i however believe i'm more of an internal, than an external. i would like to believe that if there's a will, there's a way.

after all, nothing sucks more than having no determination, no will to see things through to the end. nothing sucks more than believing that you have no control over anything.

i think i started to doubt myself, the first time i failed to pass a module. then i think i kept it hidden, hidden so well that even i didn't think it existed. but failing the same module the second time i think really pulled my confidence way into the sandpit. and then i covered it all up and pretended it didn't exist.

but that cannot go on any longer. because i need to graduate this semester. because i must graduate this sem, and attend my convocation. for myself, for my family, for her. for everyone. most importantly, for myself.

i'm still in some kind of doubting process, where i still doubt my ability. i freak out everyday, at odd times. sometimes, i think i have the intelligence, sometimes i think i have the ability to be able to pass all my modules this sem. then this sneaky thing creeps up on me, causing me to freak out.

because i'm selective, i only tell those whom i think will listen and will help. but even that took me quite some courage to muster up, because i am not one to admit that i'm not doing well in something, especially when it comes to my studies.

i know i made the wrong choice in my course of specialisation. the damage is done. now, it's either damage control, or leave it to rot and pull me down in the process. obviously, it's the former.

i need to have more faith in myself. i need to be strong. i need to believe that no matter how tired i am, this is what i must do in order to do right by me. i need to know that i have the ability and the intellect to pass all my modules and graduate this sem. i need to realise that i should not doubt myself.

i realise that it actually takes me quite a lot to write this, because i never ever admit to myself that i was wrong, and that i am doing badly in something. but i must, i must to purge all the evil and damage out, and to take in all the goodness and faith and determination and belief. it's such a warped concept, but i think i need to. cathartic, perhaps.

i believe i have the ability and the intellect to graduate this sem.
i believe that i have the determination to do so.
i believe that i have the focus to study and study and not let the tiredness, the deadlines, affect me.

i believe that i will.
i believe that i will because my friends believe that i will.
i believe that i will because she believes in me.

i believe that i will, because if there's a will, there's a way.