oh, this life

i think i lost myself. i think i'm lost. i don't recall ever feeling lost before, but you know, it's true what they say, there's a first time for everything. so i guess it's true, this is a first for me. i think i'm one of those lost sheep.

i have no direction to go. i don't know what i want to do.

i'm graduating in a few months, and i still have no direction. so many of my friends have gotten jobs, actually, almost all of them. those that haven't gotten jobs, they know their direction. they know what to do, where to go.

i know nothing of that.

so i keep pondering. you see, everyone is supposed to have a forte, and then depending on whether or not you want to do it, you pursue that forte. but i can't even find my forte. some of my friends are good at business, they are so business-minded. some are good with figures. some are good at defending. my girl is good with design. what am i good at? honestly, what the fuck am i good at? see? that's the answer i'm seeking too. i don't know what the hell my forte is. maybe i don't have a forte. ha. that's a joke.

we all have dreams. we all know what we want to be in future. or at least, we know what we want in future. for some, its lots of money. for others, its a family. for some, its love. for some, its happiness. for some, its just bumming around and living off whomever.

i want to be happy. i want to be happy in future. i want to have someone to share my happiness with. i want that someone to know that my happiness is her happiness. i want to be with my girl in future, forever.

but to be happy, i need to know what i like to do, what i want to do, what i will do that i can persist in doing it. because i know myself, and i know that as long as i'm not happy, i will really not do whatever that makes me unhappy. which probably is the reason why i'm doing so terribly in school.

school. being in the business faculty. what for? it wasn't what i wanted, but what i wanted, i couldn't get it because it apparently had no future for me. and when i don't like what i do, i really shows. as is proof now, of how i'm doing so not very well and i have to work doubly hard. i think i used to be smart. i think i used to be intelligent. i think it died. i think it disappeared. but i have to graduate this sem, so as stupid as i have become, i have to think of a way to pass and graduate this sem.

and my girl. my girl. she actually is about the only one that makes me truly genuinely happy. we are so similar, yet we have such different ideals. i want happiness. she wants... but ultimately, when it comes down to it, it's a compromise. i used to think that love was everything, and then i got jaded. i used to think that as long as there was love, everything would be okay. and then i got cynical. but now, now i'm starting to think that maybe, maybe it is true. maybe, with love, everything will be okay. it is a compromise, but i think for me, it wouldn't matter, so long as i am happy. as is my ideal.

then we go to family. gosh. today i did a survey in class for my module -- The Changing Family. there was a question that asked "do you think family relationships are more important than any other relationship?" i marked "disagree". i wonder what that says. being in Singapore, being in this culture, i have to provide for my parents when they get old. but at least it isn't a law. in China, during Confucian times, it was a law. children had to provide for their parents when they grew old, if not the parents are entitled to sue their children. coming to think of it, i think it is possible for parents to sue their kids here in singapore too. sheesh.

i am more than willing to provide for my parents, but sometimes, i think it comes with a price. i can provide for them, but i want my own freedom. unfortunately, in this culture, in Singapore, kids do not really move out of their family home unless they get married. obviously, when i do get married, it wouldn't be to a man. and it wouldn't be in singapore. so broaching the subject on moving out is touchy. touchy. my elder sister already got flake for moving out. but, for me, its freedom. and i will get it. besides. i want to move out. to live with my girl.

i kinda think i just wrote my whole life story down. i guess i just needed to ponder over things; i've been thinking about this for way too long. where to do, what to do.

i think i lost myself. i really think i am lost. it makes me unhappy, it makes me sad, it makes me kinda slightly depressed, it makes me moody.

i need to find my forte.

i need to find myself.