back of your mind

ever had the feeling in the back of your mind, like there was something bothering you, but because you haven't came to that bridge, you couldn't cross it yet, so you push it to the back of your mind?

its coming back now.

i'm stuck in a screwed up situation, and i'm stuck in a house that i wanna get out of. i argued like fuck with the two because i hate that they can tell me what they think is right, and what they believe in, but the moment i tell them the opposite, it becomes wrong because it becomes my fault that i just wanna win. when i tell them that it's not that bad, they just refuse to listen. then it becomes i am wrong because i wanna win. they don't fucking see that they want to win too. i'm screwed, it's fucked up, and well, i don't know what i should do.

i'm frustrated, i'm vexed, i'm annoyed, and i'm fucking mad because i can't get rid of the thick metal chains that bind me down.

times like these, i just want some reassurance, some comfort, some love, just someone to say it's okay, she's got my back. that it's okay, i can let my guard down, i no longer have to be strong. that it's okay, because she's got me, and she'll stand up for me when i'm too tired to take it.

i told her about what happened. she was the first one i ran to because i got so frustrated and she was the only one i wanted to run to.

she said, "fuck. i'm scared".

i have to admit, i got very upset when she said that. maybe i'm wrong, maybe i shouldn't expect. perhaps i've always given the impression that i'm strong enough to deal with anything that comes my way. i can. but in times when i already feel like shit, times where i feel i'm not strong enough, i just want some support. some reassurance.

each time i tell her something, she will say she's scared. it's not that she can't be scared. sure, she can. everyone is afraid of something. but when it becomes obvious that i'm falling, that i can't stand up anymore because i'm so tired, so vexed, so frustrated, those words are words that i don't wanna hear. because in telling her, i just want to let my guard down. even if for a while.

i don't tell her that i'm scared, no matter what i hear. i try to be that pillar of strength. i try to transfer her weight onto my shoulders, so that she can rest, if just for awhile.

once in a while, i need that too. i need to rest, just for a while. i cannot be that strong all the time. i cannot pretend to not be afraid. because i am.

i'm really falling. i'm so tired of the chains. when this happened today, i wanted to just run away. i had the strongest urge to just get up and walk away from the two. i had the strongest urge to just pack up and leave the house, to just be on my own, to walk away from those metal chains.

i guess i can't always be strong.

perhaps i am really not that strong after all. perhaps, perhaps, maybe just for a day, i just want to lean on your shoulder, i just wanna fall into your arms and break down the wall surrounding me.