when there is fear

*dust dust* blog's getting kinda dusty from lack of use.

anyway, truth be told, i'm kinda scared. i'm kinda afraid because i always think beforehand and let my past experience cloud my thoughts or judgements. to me, it's logical thinking, it's rational, but a part of me also knows that it isn't rational because what is past stays the past, and what might be past experience could be a different story altogether now.

'm kinda scared because school starts for her next month, and i've already found a part-time job which requires almost the whole of my day, if i do the second shift. i'm scared because i don't know what's gonna happen when school starts for her. i'm scared because whenever she gets busy, she tends to forget that i exist. when she gets busy, i tend to not bother her as much; i won't text or call her as often because i'm afraid that i'll be bothering her. and when i do that, it has an adverse effect on her, because she might start to think about why i'm distancing myself from her, and it could lead her to rethink her decision about being with me. that's why i'm kinda scared.

i know it sounds silly, but it has happened before. it happened last year. i stopped texting her as much, i started to distance myself in a way because i didn't wanna be seen as bothering her, and she started to rethink our relationship. and that, to be honest, makes me very very afraid.

that was all in the past, and i know things have changed between us. she always tells me that things have changed between us, that we have become stronger, that we are better together, that we have more trust.

but i'm still afraid, because this is her final year in school, so it's gonna get a lot busier. and i know that i don't think i'll be able to handle it if she forgets my existence or decides to not contact me that much, because my heart is already with her. that's why i'm kinda scared.

each time i bring this up with her, she tells me to have faith. she tells me to have faith in her, have faith in our relationship, and to trust her, because she has changed and we have grown stronger. and i know, i know that all she is saying are legitimate, true words. but still, a part of me is scared, because of that previous experience.

but i play it down each time i tell her, because if i make it too serious, she'll get upset and unhappy. she'll get sad. but if i don't make it sound serious, to her it seems like a minor problem. but to me, it's not minor. to me, it really isn't. this fear keeps drifting in and out of my thoughts.

i want to tell her that this isn't minor to me. i want to tell her that although it isn't that serious, it still has such impact on me. but i can't bring myself to say it, because i don't want her to get sad or be unhappy.

it's a conflict, and i know that it stems from me. because i let this fear control me, so i can't seem to think in any different direction.

however, today, i thought about it on the bus. and there was a moment, when this sudden realisation hit me. that i shouldn't think about it, because i wouldn't know what would happen the next month. all i should do, and all i must do, is to use the us that is now, and mount that future scenario on the now us.

because what she tells me is true. we have grown stronger. we have changed. she has changed. our love for each other is as strong as can be, and we trust, now, with everything we have. we have faith. and with that future scenario mounted on this, nothing can, and nothing will go wrong, because we have the us that is now. the strength in us.

i see the effort she makes to tell me that she loves me. i see how she proves to me that we have grown stronger. i see how she tells me that she loves me everyday, how she tries to always be there. even when she gets distracted, even when she is busy with something nowadays, i see how she always tries to be there, and apologises when she knows she isn't there. i see how much she loves me, because i see how she tries to show it to me.

i know it isn't easy for her to do this, because she isn't a very demonstrative person when it comes to expressions of love, and she expresses it in rather weird ways. so, to see her really doing this, it makes my heart swell up with love.

it makes me so proud of her.

so, i guess what i'm saying here is, although i'm kinda scared, although i have this fear in me, i know i can conquer it, and i know i can make it okay, because i see what she does, and i see how she tries to prove it to me.

i guess all that i'm saying is, you gotta have that amount of trust, faith, love, and strength. because i know we do.