believer

Sometimes
I feel like I'm standing on stable ground.
Then I feel a slight tremor beneath my feet
At first, it's alright, it's slight
Then the tremor increases in intensity
And my heart skips a beat
My heart starts to thud
While the tremor starts to increase.

Sometimes
I kid myself into thinking those tremors are nothing
Nothing at all
I force myself not to think about it
Not to feel those tremors
Make believe they don't exist
Because, maybe they really don't.
Then the ground starts to shift beneath my feet
And my heart starts to thud again.

I become afraid.

At times, I think that I'm alright
That the ground wouldn't slide away from under me
But sometimes, just sometimes,
My heart gets scared
Because my mind calls unbidden images to me
And I start thinking back
Once bitten, twice shy
Twice bitten, then what?

At times, I know it's not true.
Most of the time, I know that it's just me
Just my mind playing tricks on me
Just me and my mind
So I try not to think about it
But still, at times, it comes up
Because as much as things ought to be fixed
Sometimes, new brooms sweep clean
And actions only occur at the start
After which these actions drift away, taken for granted
Forgotten.
Or not.

I am inclined to think that my mind plays tricks on me.
I am inclined to think that my role is as a believer.
I am certain that I am a believer.
Yet sometimes, at times,
A believer needs more than her belief.
A believer needs more than just herself.

But I am a believer.
And I believe.
In you.