it would be you.

Everything's so uncertain now. These are uncertain times.

I'm so afraid.

I don't want hearts to break anymore. It hurts, so badly. It makes me do things that I don't know and don't want to do. it makes me wander around the streets aimlessly. it causes a loss of appetite.

There're so many things for us to do together; we haven't even done half of it. All my plans include her, so many of them. I know I will have to change my way of doing things. Learn to relax, to not be afraid of the unknown. Try to make her eat more, gain more weight. So my first step of relaxation was to play the piano today. I used to do that when I was younger, everytime i was upset with something. Now i play the piano when im upset or relaxing. not a bad feeling, though.

I am going to stop putting stress on her, on this relationship. I have pretty much done it tt way, without stress, throughout the whole relationship, except for when i get scared. So that will have to go, as of yesterday.

I have lost weight. I'm down to my lightest weight so far in 2 years, of 51kg. I guess its good.

I know lately things have been turning out not the way i want it to, or anyone wants it to. I guess too much emotional baggage that i carry around has accumulated till now. It is disappearing, though. I guess talking it out does work. I want her to be there for me. i feel i can only talk to her, i can only confide in her. i feel only she will support me throughout. i feel only she can help. But im so scared. However, one impt thing i have learnt is that it is during these times of crisis that I know who i can count on, who i count on as true friends.

I think i should go to church. the last time i was at church was last year. hopefully things will become better, as i pray and believe. it is becoming better, now.

There are so many things I planned for the both of us, so many things to do, to be done. I don't know if she has plans for us, although i know one does include dogs and staying together. And i know sooner or later we will do all that we have planned together. its just a matter of time.

I know i've found my forever. I never used to think last time that there would be someone with a forever for me. But somehow, throughout the course of being with her, although we quarrel, it just felt right. It felt like she made things so simple. It felt like she could right whatever wrongs i was feeling, whatever i thought couldn't come true. I know i never said any of this to her, nor wrote it anywhere. I thought it was silly. But I now know that these aren't silly. On Tuesday, I felt something that I couldn't describe. It was just a feeling of confirming that all i've been thinking of, of she being my forever, was true. it was like a confirmation. But I didn't have the chance to tell her that on Wednesday.

She's my forever. Maybe it has always been her, all of my life.