the beginning of..

i suppose i should start trying to get used to it.

i know i should, and i am, in every way, attempting to change my mindset, my mentality, and everything else needed to start getting used to it. i can't say that i'm not, because i know i am bit by bit, slowly trying to get used to it. and i should.

we haven't talked proper in so many days. i can't recall the last time we actually talked proper, heart to heart, for longer than half an hour, without one side being sleepy.

i suppose i really should start getting used to it. i guess i am, because i no longer contact her as often. i don't text her as often. i seldom call her as it is. there used to be a time when i would call her during each break that i had while i was at work. i don't do that now. i try not to get in her way, i don't wanna intrude, i don't disturb, i don't bother her as much.

i suppose that is a first step. i know that i wrote a previous post about getting used to things, and that no matter what, i would have to. i knew i would encounter difficulties. i suppose this is one of them.

writing has always been cathartic to me. and write, is all i can do. writing is all i can do or say at this moment. i have this barely suppressed thing inside of me, and i don't know how to describe how it feels. i can't find a word to describe it. so i write a lot now. i write, because that is the only thing i know how to do.

there are days where i know i have to get used to it, and i do everything in my power to get used to it and not be a bother. but there are days when i need her, and i don't know if i should go to her for fear of disturbing her. it is her thesis year, after all, and more than anything else, i want her to graduate and do well.

recently it's been one of those days where i need her, for i feel myself breaking into pieces. the local newspaper reports on university graduates at this time, because july is convocation month. the newspapers are filled with articles of graduates, pictures of graduates receiving their transcripts. and i can't feel a part of it, because although i am graduating this year, i can only attend convocation next year. then there is family. i feel so stifled that i really just wanna get out. then there is my last elective. it is getting super difficult and i don't know how i'm coping with work and that elective at the same time. by the time i end work and reach home, i'm so tired i can barely conjure up any energy to move. yet i drag myself to read at least half a set of lecture notes. and it is a science elective that has never been my forte. i have to pass it, so it is what i have to do.

i believe life will throw us a curveball, and it is up to us, how we deal with it. life dealt me this curveball, and i am dealing with it just fine. but sometimes, everything piles up and i feel myself breaking into pieces, because i have been suppressing whatever it is that needs to be let out. and so this is one of the times when i need her.

but i suppose i really should get used to this, because this is what is gonna happen for the next few months, at least until march next year. she is really having a lot lesser time for me. even if she has a lot of time left, it is for her to chill, for her to rest, for her to catch up on her sleep. and i cannot bring myself to take that away from her, because more than anyone else i want her to feel less stressed.

so i guess i really just have to get used to it. i am trying, believe me. i am really trying to get used to it. i wrote that i knew it wouldn't be easy. so i know it isn't easy. as it evidently proves now. but i have nothing to complain about, because i knew it wouldn't be easy. so all i should do is to just shut up, and take it.

i guess i am just scared. i am just scared that she will be so involved in her thesis, so into it and everything else that she forgets me. i guess i am just afraid that she will run away because she forgets me. i guess i am just scared because i am afraid she will forget that i am here for her, that she will forget to love me, that she will forget that i love her.

i really don't know, i don't even know how i feel, because i can't find an adjective that will describe it. but i suppose the only thing i can do is to get used to it. i have to. i really have to. i must.

because i love her, and because i love her, i want to be there for her. i want to be with her through it all.