this time

she is starting to get really busy.
she is starting to have lesser time for us, for me.

time is beginning to be of utmost importance to us. maybe more to me, when it comes to us, but more to her, when it comes to work.

she is busy with her work, she is getting busier and more involved. and there is nothing i can do but to stand aside and let her do what she has to do. for there is really nothing else i can do. i'm stupid when it comes to whatever she's doing. so all i can do is to step aside, and just be there, silently, just so if she needs me, i'm there.

time, if any, is given to her thesis. at the end of each day, there is a certain amount of time she sets aside for me. but sometimes, i get this feeling that it isn't enough, like there is something uncompleted when i talk to her. because she is tired at the end of each day, i don't want to take up too much of her time. so there are some things i forget to say, or some things i leave out, until the next time when she isn't as busy. that's why sometimes i get that feeling of something uncompleted.

the concept of time now is of major importance. as the days pass, i know she has lesser time for me, so i try not to disturb or intrude as much. when we talk, we now do not talk for long. it is only on rare occasions that we talk for long. i can sense the amount of time she has for her thesis is important, just as i can sense when i should not intrude. just as i can sense when there is lesser time for us.

this is some thing i have to get used to. this is new to me. it is foreign territory i am treading on. at times, i feel equal parts of uncertainty, insecurity, cautiousness, and sadness. because i have to step back, in order to let her do what she has to do. at times, it unhinges me. it makes me think. it makes me sad. but because i know it isn't forever, because i know it is but temporary, i let it go. i do not tell her how it makes me feel, because i know at this time, she would want the least amount of hindrances and upsets. so i do not tell her if i am feeling sad, i do not tell her if i am not yet used to this. because it is all just a matter of time, and i will be alright with it soon.

one thing i can say is she balances it well, even if she has lesser time for me. maybe because i sometimes text her when she doesn't, so she is able to balance it better. i do not know. but what i feel is that although the time she has for me has lessened, her love for me has not. if anything, i feel her love for me growing more and more each day, as she does her thesis, even if she has lesser time for me. i attribute this to the strength and inspiration she gathers from me, or from me just silently being there for her everyday and every night, when she complains or gets stressed over her thesis. at times, i get annoyed because of this, but at the end of each day, i am still there. perhaps because of this, her love for my grows with each passing day, despite the lack of time.

i am not sure, just as i am not certain of why her love grows for me more and more each day. but i do know that she never neglects me, even when she's busy. it's a great improvement from the past.

this is something i really have to get used to. i pour out how i feel here, because i refuse to let it choke me up. i pour out how i feel here, because i know once i write it, it will make me feel better. writing has always been cathartic for me. and while it takes me a while to get used to things as it is now, i know i will. for i know this is but temporary, and we are forever.

whatever it may be, at the end of every day, my arms are always open, waiting for her to come home to me, be it to complain and whine, or get rid of the stress she has. whatever it may be, at the end of everyday, my arms will be around her.