reflections of the second degree

it seems like recently, i've been confiding (in a way) to friends whom i didn't think i would confide into, and these same friends are giving me advice that i didn't think they would. not because they don't want to, but because we used to leave off this topic.

so i had a conversation with one of these friends. and at first, i got a little scared and a little mad because i thought that he wasn't supporting me or my relationship, and i got a little scared because i thought he was trying to make me back away. then as the conversation progressed, i realised that it wasn't that way, and i was just scaring myself silly because it's the first time i've ever seen him being this serious.

in actual fact, what he was trying to do was to make me see in advance what was gonna come my way, and try to prepare me in his own way, so that he could try to lessen any damage or break any falls that might come my way soon. what he was trying to do was to give me his personal experience so i could take it and use it to my advantage. what he was doing was to let me know in advance and show me what i should do, and what i should not do, because the outcome, the result, is what matters.

in itself, this incident made me see, in a way, that i sometimes experience inertia when accepting things or seeing things in a different light. call it stubbornness, call it too much pride, but this incident made me see that too.

but this incident aside, what our conversation did was to make me prepare myself for what may be to come, and to make me change my mindset. i guess the conversation made me reflect, and allowed me to realise that if i want what i want, if i care about who i care about, and if i love who i love, i should let go of my stubbornness, my pride, just for this period of time, just so in future, it would be better for us.

in a way, it is a change for me, a change for the better, yet again. it has come to my realisation that ever since i got together with her, i have been changing. changing for the better. as in, i have tried to think of how i might have changed for the worse, but i can't think of any. so well, there it is, changing for the better. (yes, baby, i am admitting that you change me for the better.)

support is important. support is very important. so are words of encouragement. that, and the fact that i am there for her. those are important. important now. very important now.

and i know that support is important to her, just as i know that what she needs is for someone to believe in her. i know that my encouragement means a lot to her, just as i know that my faith in her will keep her going.

i know all of that, about support and encouragement, about minimum hindrances and upsets. and i also know that when the time comes, she will really start getting busy, and she will have a lot lesser time for me. i also already know in advance that when the time comes for her to rush her thesis, she won't give a shit about anything and anyone except her thesis, for her only goal is to finish it and get thesis of the year. i know that in advance. i know that she will really have a lot lesser time for me. i know that it might come down to only talking for 2 minutes each time. i know that the texts will lessen by a lot. i know that once in a while i will feel bothered and neglected, and i will feel sad when it comes to me needing her. i know all of that in advance.

but i also know that she hasn't forgotten me. i also know that she will still come to me when she's having her breaks and while resting. i know that she will still text me when she's having her breaks. i know that she will still come home to me, every night, just to tell me she loves me, just to tell me to sleep well, just to tell me to give her words of support or encouragement. and i also know that she will not stop loving me, even when she's doing her thesis. i know that she has me in her heart, all the time, when she's doing her thesis. i know that she can never stop loving me, even when she's most busy with her thesis.

more than that, i know that she loves me, deeply, truly, with all her heart. even if she gets busy with her thesis.

at times, i guess i'll just have to accept these new things. because they aren't forever, its just a temporary phase. and in accepting it, better things come my way. for us, for her, for me. and when this thing is over, i will still be happy, and so will she. i will be proud of her, and she will be proud of me. because when this thing is over, it's us, together, for a lifetime, to love.

because i know she will come home to me, everyday, even if she's doing her thesis.

because i know that throughout this, and even after this, she still loves me, truly, deeply, with everything she's got. just as it is, for me.

i have all the faith in you, baby. i believe in you. simple as that.