the battle of the cockroach

This is the story of a young lady (and her battle with a brown fat huge cockroach).

(cue: the beginning strains of "Lucky" by Britney Spears)

So three nights ago, this young lady (let's name her T), got thirsty and decided to go down to the kitchen to get a drink. The kitchen was pitch dark, the lights were all turned off (since every household was in the Saving Gaia mode), but T was not afraid. Oh no, it took a lot for T to be afraid of walking into a pitch dark kitchen. It was her house, after all.

Upon stepping into the kitchen, T reached up to turn on the lights. she thought she caught a glimpse of something scurrying away, but she dismissed it as her eyes playing tricks on her, and moved to the sink to wash her hands. now, the sink was just next to the tabletop, and the table top was black in colour. T leaned across the tabletop to turn on the tap.

Suddenly, her mind registered that scurrying thing. What if it's a cockroach?!? So T backed away from the tabletop in a hurry. To her horror, T realised she was right.

She had been leaning right over a big brown horrid fat cockroach! (Probably because her shadow was so huge, the cockroach was too slow to register a change and thought the lights were still off. I don't know.) So that cockroach, upon realising a change in lighting, attempted to scurry away.

Now, what we didn't know, was that T was afraid of cockroaches. As in, it wasn't just afraid. She was terrified of cockroaches. But well, because her siblings are even more afraid of cockroaches, so T had to appear to be the brave one. In this case, however, T was too near the cockroach. So T was scared out of her wits.

T backed away and attempted to look for that cockroach. Now, T was persistent and she was not one to give up. If the cockroach wanted to battle with her, she would take on that battle, use all her special powers, and K.O. that stupid fat cockroach.

That stupid fat brown cockroach had taken cover at the edge of a cabinet. So T flung open the cabinet and stumbled back at the same time, afraid that the cockroach would come running out towards her. The only thing was, T looked ridiculous, because she was brandishing a slipper in each of her hands, and dancing to a tune of "Hurry! Move before the cockroach gets you!". Her dance consisted of moving forward to fling open the cabinet door, then scurrying back in a hurry in case the cockroach flew towards her.

After opening two cabinets, the cockroach realised it had no other place to take cover. So it dropped to the kitchen floor and attempted to scurry over to whatever hiding place it was looking for. It was at this precise moment that T decided to take cover. (Come on, she had to regain her magic and stamina and life so she could battle this stupid fat fucking big cockroach!!) So T ran out, got 2 stacks of newspapers, folded it in half, and ran back into the kitchen, brandishing the newspapers and wearing those slippers. (So she wouldn't accidentally step on the gross cockroach.)

The cockroach made its move. T made its move towards the cockroach. The cockroach attempted to move towards the plastic bags. T kicked the plastic bags aside. (and out rolled a huge cabbage. okay, never mind that. back to the story.) The cockroach scurried to the shelf. T blocked the cockroach's path with a cloth. Finally, the cockroach decided to be brave, and tried to scurry across the kitchen floor, with no shelter in its path.

Then, T made her move. She ran (brandishing the newspapers as always), and smacked the cockroach (or rather, attemped to.). The cockroach escaped. T ran after it. Then, T smacked the papers hard on the cockroach with all her might. But T was still afraid the cockroach would come running out from under the papers. So, she took off her slippers, and banged it on the papers with all her might. But, she still felt that it wasn't enough. So, she wore her slippers, and jumped on the newspapers about 5 times.

Finally, she lifted up the papers. The stupid fat brown huge cockroach was K.O.ed. It was totally flattened. Like, stuck to the floor with all its gross cockroach juice everywhere.

The medical examiner moved in to secure the crime scene aka the battle of the cockroach and T, and announced that the body (in this case, that of the stupid fat cockroach), could be removed. So the medical examiner removed the body and threw it down the garbage chute. To be forever disposed of.

And that, my dear friend, is the story of the young lady, T, and her battle with the big fat brown fucking disgusting cockroach.

(In case I forgot to mention, the medical examiner and the brave killer are one and the same -- the young lady, T.)