change a choice

i would like to think that we all have choices. i would like to think that life gives us all a choice, at any time, on any given day.

but at times, i think it is not so much of a choice as it is change.

for you might not recognise a choice, if certain things don't change. be it your mindset, be it your attitude, be it your personality. if these things do not change, the choices available might not be recognised. and then you come back full circle and start to lament about the lack of choices, remonstrating, lamenting, self-pitying.

all for what? life is a choice. everything about life is a choice. and these choices appear everywhere everyday. it is but a matter of choosing to change, in order to perceive those changes, is it not?

it used to be that i lamented a great many things. "i nearly fucked up my studies. i didn't do as well as i did because the modules were too tough. my family is annoying. my parents are always on me. i didn't do as well in my studies. she doesn't have enough time for me. she doesn't give me the time of day. she forgets about me because everything else matters more to her." it used to be that i lamented all of these, and more.

then i woke up and took off those blinkers from my eyes. it is tiring, pretending that life throws you a curveball you didn't expect, and therefore life is to blame. pretending that it isn't your fault. pretending that there aren't any choices and there is nothing you can do about it because there are no choices.

everything is mostly a choice. i guess i learnt that when i got tired of blaming life and everything else except myself. i guess she taught me that i could choose to be anyone i wanted to be, instead of lamenting the controls people have over me.

but in order to perceive these choices, in order to recognise that it is a choice, change is a must. change the perspective of life, perhaps. changing mindsets. changing certain things about you that inhibit you from recognising those choices. is it not?

i was once that way. too stubborn. too filled with pride. unwilling to admit that it could be my fault. unwilling to see that things are this way because they just are, and no amount of getting pissed off or crying will get me anything other than what it already is. no amount of complaints is going to get me something different. reluctant to look at things from a different angle because i want my own viewpoint, and that is that.

then i realised that i had choices. and i could choose either options. then i didn't screw up my studies as badly as i thought i would. in fact, i did pretty well. then my relationship with her became better, and now, it is the best it can be. then i decided to just ignore my family when they get too annoying. and now, i just ignore them most of the time. but whatever it is, these choices made me see things in a different light.

so there are choices, but for these choices to appear as choices, change is in order. is it not? because with change, recognition of choices come about easier.

but fear not, for what we are never changes. it is who we are that is always constantly changing.