standing still moving

haven't been writing for some time, so... *dust dust* once again.

everything's moving so fast. sometimes i want it to be fast, sometimes i want it to be slow. i guess i just don't know. with work and all, i find that i can't even get a moment to myself. it's difficult to sit down and catch my breath, it's hard to grab hold of my shadow that seems to be moving even though i'm standing still.

everything's moving so fast. just one more elective to clear, 5 more weeks, and i'm done with university life forever. it's hard to switch perspectives suddenly. one minute you're a student, the next you stumble into the working world, as if by accident, and struggle to keep abreast with the other world-weary people.

i get scared sometimes. because everything moves so fast. i wanna take some time to plan the next steps of my life, i wanna take some time to think about doing something that i really wanna do, and will be happy doing it. i wanna take some time so i don't fall into the same rut that others do, so i won't regret what i do, so that i fulfill my dreams. but i can't exactly take some time to plan, not when the world is spinning round and round at so fast a rotation that i can't seem to catch up, and when i do, i can't seem to stop and catch my breath.

i am not denying that i am scared. scared because i know time waits for no man. scared because everything moves too fast. scared because when things start coming all at once, almost everyone will forget someone. lives get consumed, lives get tied up by those little things that move so fast. then i also get scared because i know this is her busy year, this time is going to be her super busy time.

so i brace myself for the impact, but even then, nothing comes easy. i can prepare myself, i can get suited up in my armour that will take that impact, but it will still be hard on me, for me. i know that when she gets busy, the world revolves only around her and her work. she tends to forget my existence, tends to forget that i actually do exist, tends to neglect me, tends to not contact me. and i am scared, but what else can i do but to brace myself for that impact?

everything moves at so rapid a speed that i feel the blow-back of the wind in my face. everyone seems to rush past, and when i try to reach out and grab someone, i feel like i'm taking up that one person's time. i feel like i'm intruding, like i'm disturbing, like it's a bother and it's a hassle. as it is, i can't even seem to catch myself. many times, after work, i come home and try to get a breather. i try to get myself back. i try to get some 'me' time. i try to spend some time with myself. but it never seems like it, because i'm still moving, even if i'm standing still.

it would be stupid to say that i'm not afraid. yes, maybe that makes me a coward, but then again, everyone is a coward, at one point or another. it is how you make yourself to be, after admitting that you are one, that counts.

would it sound silly if i say that i'm scared of time? because time moves so fast? the only thing that i am actually looking forward to is her. to being with her for 2 months after my contract ends in july. and after that, the only thing that i will be looking forward to is her, again. when she comes over to live here, to get a job here, to work here, to live with me here. but still, i am scared of the speed at which time moves.

i am still moving, even if i am standing still. where is that little red button, when i need it right now?