these sudden thoughts create a void

If you do not think about it, then you won't fear as much, and you wouldn't be as afraid and upset.

If you think too much on it, you create a void for yourself.

Thing is, these thoughts suddenly creep up on me. It's a sneaky little thing, this mind of mine.

Uncertainty breeds insecurity and fear. Is that true for all, I wonder?

I started getting afraid because I started getting uncertain.

Is my life going to be monotonous -- just going to work each day, then coming home and sleeping and going to work again the next day. Monotonous, boring, a damn routine. Excitement, adventures? Where do they fit in?

I am afraid of leading a monotonous life. I don't want that. I am afraid of leading a monotonous, unfulfilling life. I don't want to lead a life dictated and bounded by constraints and restrictions.

I want to lead my life independently, freely, on my own, without the chains that bind me -- without having to live with my family. I want to live on my own, or with my love or my partner, alone, freely, no constraints, no restrictions.

These thoughts scared me, because I don't want to lead a monotonous life bounded by family, constraints, and whatever else.

I also have some kinda fear in me that I loathe to voice out, simply because I don't want it to be there, and perhaps it is just me thinking too much (as usual).

I have come to dream and believe in a forever with her. In many ways, and in other words, she is my forever.

For the two years that we have been together, we have always planned and dreamed and looked forward to this time -- when she graduates and I have gotten a job, and she comes over here to work and live.

In other words, when we start living our lives together. Sharing our lives.

I believe in it. I believe in our forever, I believe in her being my forever, I believe that she will get a job here soon, and I believe that we will start taking our relationship to the next level and move in together.

The only thing I am afraid of is if she wants it as much as I do.

As it is, the times now make it such that you have to start looking for a job way in advance because hell, it takes long to get a job now. I keep telling her that, because the papers in her country do not really talk about the recession and the damages of it.

Yet I also understand that she should have her fun, she should enjoy the feeling of graduating.

But I am just scared.. I am so scared that she does not want this as much as me. I am so scared that she gets influenced by others and decides that she will postpone her plan of coming here this year to live and work. I am scared that because she does not really bother much about looking for a job now, it will take her long to get her a job here.

For two years now, I have daydreamed, I have fantasised, I have planned and looked forward to this time -- the time when I have now gotten a job, and she is graduating, and I am just waiting for her to get a job and come here to live and work. I have dreamed of this for so long, and it is supposed to happen this year.

I have fulfilled my side of the dream, of our dream that we have planned together, so now, shouldn't it be her turn to fulfill our dream?

I believe in her, and I believe that by hook or by crook, she will not disappoint me, and she will get a job by this year, she will come here to live and work. I believe in that.

I am just scared. I am just afraid because she seems as if she doesn't really care much about getting a job here, and I am just afraid that she does not want it as much as I do.

Perhaps I am just thinking too much.

Because she has asked me to believe in her, she has asked me to trust in her, that there is a forever, that there will be a forever. And I believe in her. I trust in her.

I just want her to want it as much as I do.

I am afraid, I am scared, I have these fears that I try to keep at bay.

But I will believe, and I will continue believing and trusting and dreaming, because I believe that she is my forever, and I believe in dreams.