take it and shut up

She asked me why I must write when it is negative or something bad.

Well, all I can say is that writing is cathartic.

Tell me this. Tell me that. Tell me a story. Tell me something she weaves. Then I pick through it, trying to sieve through it. For what? Oh, she knows.

Time after time. Chance after chance. I take my chances and give her chances. Time and again.

She breaks my heart again.

Did she think I would not know? Did she think I would not hurt? Or did she merely think that it would be okay, because I have always given her chances, let it go, and forgave her?

She does something that I think is so unbelievable, and when I found out last night, for a while I was speechless.

What do you say, when you find out about something you least expect to find out about?

She thinks she has done what she is supposed to do, and then she leaves the rest to me. She leaves it all to me. Fixing things, settling things, she leaves it all to me. It does not occur to her to tell me the truth, to stop omitting details.

She leaves it all there, and when it explodes, I deal with the aftermath.

I am left to pick up the pieces that she left behind.

I would be stupid if I wasn't brokenhearted. I would be stupid if I wasn't sad. I remember saying that I hope she wouldn't break my heart again. I don't think I should say it again. Broke my heart.

And I am to mend it back again.

Did she think that I was superwoman, that I could fix everything on my own and not have any ill effects? How does she do something unbelievable, and then think that it is all okay?

How can she do it and still tell me that I am her girlfriend and she loves me so much?


How do you do it, when you knew it would hurt me?