this mind will start a riot

Don't get me wrong.Overall, it is fine.

What I just do not get is this.Were words meant to be said, just to be heard and nothing more than that? That is what I do not get.

I do not understand how it is so easy to break promises. I do not understand how it is so easy to give your word, and then take it all back and pretend as if no words were ever said.

What happened was this. Almost 4 weeks ago, she broke up with me. For no reason, no rhyme. The day before, we were just as loving, the night before, we were just as loving. A few hours before, we were just as loving. And then suddenly it was as if a light switch was flipped from light to dark, and she broke up with me. Her reason being she wanted her own space.

That hurt me like a son of a bitch. As in. What hurt me was how sudden it could come. It just reminded me of how fragile some things are.

It sill reminds me now, of how uncertain some things are. How some things can happen in a blink of an eye. It still reminds me of how trusting too much or giving too much could result in a fall. A great fall down. London Bridge is falling down.

The conclusion was that we were supposed to give each other an open, honest relationship where we communicated and compromised over certain issues. She agreed to keep to her word, agreed to start being responsible and considerate.

Maybe it was because I begged her. Maybe because I left my pride somewhere down in the gutter and begged her to start again. Maybe because I implored her such that she had no other choice. Maybe that is why she thinks she does not need to change anything about herself, maybe that's why she thinks she can just be the way she is, and I should do all the changing.

I just want for her to for once, keep to her words. To keep to her promises. She always, always makes promises but never ever keeps them. She always gives me her word about things but she never ever sticks to her words. Maybe I spoil her too much, maybe that is why.

She just won't keep to her words, won't start being responsible or considerate. We came to a compromise last night about this because I was getting tired having to deal with the consequences of her irresponsibility and inconsiderateness.

But today, today, she just about ruined everything we compromised about. We just talked about it last night. How fast can she forget it? Or could it be that she just doesn't care as much as I do? When she broke up with me, and when she got back with me with new expectations and new beginnings, I started right away. I could not forget it, because forgetting it meant losing her, and no way would I want to lose her.

I just don't get it. What is it? Is it that she just doesn't care as much? Or could it be that the place I have in her heart is just not enough for her to want to do something or stick to it? She keeps telling me that I should trust in her that she loves me. The more she does this, the harder it gets to do that.

Why won't she keep to her words? Why won't she keep her promises? Why won't she just do some things, just for this time, just for this time while I am unable to do it? I know it is hassle for her, but just for this time, just for awhile until I get back on my feet, couldn't she do it? Or is it that it is hassle for her but it can never be hassle for me?

I ran out of answers and I ran out of questions. Basically everything is still just as it is when it comes to her. I just wish that she could see how some of her actions really make me feel that she does love me, but not that much. I just wish she could see that some of her actions really make me doubt the place I have in her heart. I just wish she could see that some of her actions really conflict with her words. Perhaps that is why I get insecure, and she scolds me for it sometimes.

Don't get me wrong. I love her, and I really do love her.

At the end of it all, the bottom line is that she still does make me happy.

It's just that, sometimes...

But I still love her. And that is that.