these days

I have started work for 2 weeks going on 3 now, but sadly, I have to admit that I have yet to get used to the 9-5 hours. The 8.30am-6pm hours, to be exact.

I find myself getting super tired by the evening, every evening, and it makes me wanna go to sleep by 11pm every night (when I used to go to sleep at 2am or later). It makes me not wanna do anything, makes me not wanna go out at all, and I just wanna go home and get some peace and quiet and my own space and privacy and freedom with no one to annoy me except for the people I want around me. But of course, that is not possible as of now. More on that later.

On the other hand, I have been living with my sister and her boyfriend for the 2 weeks that I have started working, and I like it. I like the utter and complete freedom and independence I have. I like being able to go home directly after work because there is no one to avoid at home and no one who will annoy me. I like it because I have my own space and privacy.

All these are non-existent in the house where I live now.

Anyway, like I was going to say -- these days, things are okay on the love/relationship front. These days, things are fine on the friendship front. These days, things are very utterly absolutely NOT fine on the family front.

My relationship is working out, I think. We talked, we communicated, we got to know each other again, and our relationship is taking a new turn. However, though, we have a new anniversary date, so apparently our "2 months to 2 years" is now "3 weeks to 1 month". But that's fine, because we are getting to know each other again. Although, i have to admit, I think sometimes I do a better job of it, simply because I don't bring up how she was like in the past, and I don't bring up that I know how she is like, which she does at times.

But on the whole, my love, my relationship, it's working out just fine.

On the family front, though, I am not sure how much longer I can tolerate it. Living with my sister for the past 2 weeks has made me realise just how happy I can be. Just how happy I can be, when there is no one who annoys me and nothing to tolerate. When I can have my own space and privacy.

The thing is this. I am going to move out by the end of this month. This is more or less something that has already been confirmed, because if I don't move out, I will simple disintegrate and disappear if I have to continue living at home and tolerating all the shit that goes on.

However. The parents are going to kill me when they find out. It goes this way. The parents of mine have never been open to talking. They never do talk when I want to talk seriously. The last time I can recall, I tried telling them that I wanted to talk about something with them seriously, and I recall the mother telling me -- No way. No talking. So fine. If they don't wanna talk about it, then too bad, the only other way out is to just leave and wait for them to realise and make a big fuss out of it.

Which, by then, I would already have left the house.

This one other thing, though, is that it is easier said than done. As in. From what I gather, the mother has already been bitching about me to all my relatives when I am not around. In other words, she bitches behind my back. Relations between my elder sister and her have already gone down the drain -- they are not talking, and have not been talking for close to 3 weeks now. Now, the mother is bitching about me. I suppose she can therefore look to the younger sister for everything, then. I wouldn't mind, and I couldn't care less.

Because when I live at home, the people I really have to tolerate is the younger sister and the mother. These two people, I really cannot live with. I cannot co-exist with them. Especially the younger sister, who is the most annoying person on earth. It's like she doesn't understand the concept of space and privacy. And of course, she has a habit of blaming everyone but herself for her actions. In other words -- blaming either me or my elder sister. Not to mention her living habits are utterly disgusting.

It is really, really impossible to co-exist with the younger sister and the mother. And I do not wish to.

Now, this is not to say that I am not grateful or filial. I am. Even when I move out, I am still going to give the parents money every month. And if I can, get them stuff. So this is not to say that I am unfilial or ungrateful.

However. The mother has a warped version of being filial and grateful, and I suspect this is because she has always never been satisfied with what she has. All she has to do is to go out with her friends, hear them talk about their children, and she will start getting envious and dissatisfied and jealous. The stupid thing is -- no one airs their dirty laundry in public. Being filial and grateful has everything to do with what one deems as filial and grateful, and has nothing to do with moving out. Besides, I am not exactly moving out to live with my boyfriend or girlfriend.

I am just moving out because I love living alone, with my own space and privacy, where I can do whatever I want at my own time.

I have always been this way, ever since I was younger. I have always thought of moving out to live on my own. I guess it is because I just love having my own space, my own privacy, the freedom and independence to do whatever I want at my own time. And of course, the fact that I do not have to tolerate anyone or get annoyed at anyone at home is another fact.

Now that I have started work, there is nothing more I would rather do than to just go straight home after work, just rest and relax and get some of my own peace and quiet and space and privacy, because I get really, really, inexplainably tired after work.

But as of now, I cannot. I cannot, and I have to go out and while my time away until perhaps 8pm before I make my way home, simply because I do not want to go home early to face the parents or the younger sister. I do not want to go home only to realise that I have to tolerate the younger sister again. I do not want to go home only to see that I do not have my own space and privacy.

Because, ever since I was a kid, I have never had my own room. Even up till now. The room that I sleep in is also the room where the insensible younger sister sleeps in. The other room where I stay most of the time to use my laptop is also where the insensible younger sister uses her laptop. Right next to me. And of course, she has to play her music incredibly loud, or watch something incredibly loudly with no heed for whoever is sitting beside her. Not to mention her disgusting living habits, which I will not mention. Let's just say she is not very hygienic. And she is spoilt rotten.

So this is the reason why I want to move out so soon.

And also the reason why, when I move out, I suspect that relations with my family will be severed, because the parents do not take kindly to children moving out before they are married, and I do not understand why.

But for my own happiness, I have to. This is not being selfish, because I am still going to provide for my parents. This is just me doing something for myself for once.

Before I go stark raving mad because they drive me insane. Before I disintegrate.

I need to do this for myself. For my happiness.