one way to another way

Do you think that it is in the things you say, or the things you do not say?

Some words that she says, they reverberate around my head.

Some things that shes does not say, but which her actions or lack thereof speak on her behalf, echo around in my head.

Either way, the things she says, or does not say, bounce around the walls of my mind.

It was not always like this. I can still remember, vividly, recent times when she still cared, or cared more than she does now. I can still remember recent times when I felt secure and loved. I can still remember recent times when I did not overanalyse because I was insecure, when I did not read too much into things because I was very certain.

But with just the lack of actions, each day it accumulates, and suddenly, I find myself insecure and uncertain. For most part of the the month, she has already seemed self-absorbed, more for herself than for anyone else.

Then it becomes the lack of actions. And all of a sudden, I am left trying to chase her shadow while she disappears. I don't know if it is because she does not care as much, or maybe she is just testing me. Perhaps the phone lines haven't worked properly in three days. Maybe she is just stressed. But I do not believe that workload is to be blamed for anything, for, if ever, precisely because of the workload, one would be more inclined to run to the one she loves.

Like a fool, I still do the same things for her everyday. Texting her, calling her, keeping in contact with her, just letting her know that I am there. Calling her even if I know she might not pick up. Yet she can receive each and every one of my texts, but not reply. But for me to let her know that I am there is imperative. Because it is long distance, letting her know that I am always there with her, for her, not forgetting about her, is important. It does not speak the same for her, perhaps.

She speaks of her workload because of her thesis. I understand, so I do not make a huge fuss when we do not contact each other for awhile, for the time she is working. But after the work is our time together each night. Yet, there is something about it that makes me think she does not value it as much as I do.

I do not know if she needs me. I do not know if she wants me. I am not certain if she still loves me as much. I am not unsure as to whether she is falling out of love with me. I do not know if she needs me, wants me, loves me.

She does not seem like she needs me around. No, not in so long.

If the need, the wanting, or the love is gone, what more do I have to say?