thoughts of just when

They say a woman's instinct is oftentimes accurate.

A while ago, she told me some things on the phone.

And she told me enough for me to realise that my suspicions were not suspicions at all.

It broke my heart. I do not understand how, just when I thought we had put this behind us, just when I thought we had a good year because nothing major happened between us and we are still as deeply in love, holding this relationship as strongly as our love is, this occurred.

I understand that the circumstances behind this. I understand this is someone she liked when she was young.

But what I cannot understand is how she can turn her behaviour towards me around. What I cannot understand is how she can act the way she did towards me, just because she was tempted, and because she liked the attention.

It broke my heart, because she could give all of this up just for that. It broke my heart, because she could suddenly change the way she was towards me, she could alter her behaviour towards me and treat me the way she did, because she was tempted and she liked the attention.

I thought that as long as I was always there for her, it would be okay. I thought that so long as I made her see that I love her, and I will always love her, it would make things okay. I thought that as long as I love her and accept her for who she is, we were good. I thought that so long as I contacted her throughout the day, talked to her every night, just let her know how much I love her and that I am always there for her, we would be great.

I thought wrong.

I am of the belief that if you love the person you are with, and you love her completely and wholly, none of these things would occur.

I love her completely, I love her wholly.

How could she do this again?

Am I not enough for her? Did I do something wrong? Did I love her too much? Too little? Did I not give her enough attention? I know I do. I know it.

So why?

I spoke to her with a very calm and practical exterior that hid the emotional turmoil in me. I was not angry, I was not mad at her. I was just sad. I was just so sad the moment she started telling me about it, because I knew something was coming up. Half the time when I was talking to her, I was silently crying and she knew none of it, because I sounded so practical and calm.

But oh, how it hurts. How it hurts. When I think of her behaviour towards me the past few days, when I think of how she acted towards me just for this thing, oh, how it hurts.

I love her. I love her so completely that I don't know what to do or say. I love her so much that hearing about this hurts.

Oh, if only you needed me as much as I need you. If only you wanted me like I want you.

I just want you to love me completely, wholly. I just want you, for once, to stay with me, committed, in love with me, showing me with words and with actions just how much you love me, without getting tempted, without giving me up for someone's attention.

This hurts, admitting that perhaps you might not need me. Admitting that perhaps you might not want me. As much as I do.

I don't know what to do.

But I love you. I still love you. I still love you as much.
I could never love you any less.

If only...

I miss the way we used to be. I miss how you were to me.

I miss you.

Where are you, other than here inside my heart?