reverberations in this mind

How does it feel to be cautious, wary, uncertain, and scared?

I suppose I am all of that. All of that, and perhaps some of others.

I try not to think about it, but it keeps revolving in my mind.

How, for the past few days, her behaviour towards me was the way it was. How I made excuses for her, how I believed that it was really the festive season that caused the breakdown in communication -- because the phone lines were not working well. But yesterday, I realised she was receiving my texts, getting my calls. She just was not picking up.

Last night, when I realised the reason why she was not replying nor picking up my calls.. I don't know. I just keep thinking about that. Of how she could be replying someone else, meeting someone else, going out with someone else, and all the time her phone was ringing because I was calling her.

How do you give up all of this just for the attention, and from someone you do not like?

I feel like a fool. A fool in love. Because I love her, I seem like a fool. For constantly calling her, for constantly texting her, when all the while, while I was here reassuring her that I am always there for her and that I love her, she was there, liking the attention, going out with whomever, contacting whomever it is, texting.. I don't know.

And all this while, a fool. A fool in love.

I can be understanding. And I understand, I understand the circumstances surrounding this -- that it is someone she liked when she was young, that she likes the attention, that perhaps she just wants me to give her even more attention or try to make me jealous.

But what I cannot understand is how she can ever let it get that far. Even if it was a game, how could she let it go overboard?

What I really do not understand is how she can give all this up just for those minor things.

Didn't she know that I would know? Didn't she know that I would at least have a woman's instinct? Didn't she know that precisely because it happened before, I would know if something similar occured?

It hurts. In all honesty, it really hurts something bad. Just when I thought it would not happen again, it did. And it hurts something fierce.

Oh, if she only knew how much I miss the way things were between us just a week ago. If only she knew how much I miss how she was to me just a week ago. If only she knew how much I miss her.

Just a week, yet something as major, as unpredictable as this could happen.

I miss her. I don't know where she went to. Can't you see it hurts?

I love you. I love you just as much, because I could never love you any less.

That makes me the fool.

Where are you? Where did you go?