hide in our tortoise

Tonight, she is scared.

Scared because of an item of mine that her family saw, and asked about it. Scared because that got her thinking about how it would be like. Scared because she wants so much to be with me but she is afraid of how her family would be like, how her family would think, how her family would treat her.

Everyone has these worries, once in awhile, when it does surface. She has not come out. Neither have I. I have come out to my friends, obviously. Not yet to my colleagues, not to my family either. But I have, more than she has.

I understand how she feels when she says she is scared. We aren't young anymore, and as much as we would like to push this matter behind to the back of our minds, sometimes it will resurface. We aren't young anymore, and the fact that we love each other so much and want to be together forever is at odds with familial relationships.

I didn't know how to comfort her initially, because I didn't know if she wanted to give me up. On my part, I was afraid that she wanted to give me up because she was afraid.

But all she wanted was just comfort from me and reassurance. And that, I can give to her.

I guess all I can say is that I will always be there with her through it all. I will hold her hand when she wants me to, I will be her listening ear when she wants to speak, I will be her shoulder to cry on and her kleenex for her to wipe her tears on. I will be her light to guide her when she needs me to, or when she just needs some light in her life. I will stand by her side if she gets flack left right and centre. I will take whatever bullets I can for her, and I will defend her, stand by her side, and just be with her through it all, through thick and thin.

I guess what I know is that I am just willing to be there with her no matter how hard it gets with whoever who tries to block her path, and therefore, our path.

Because I know that she wants me. Because I know that she just wants me, she just wants to stay with me, she just loves me, and because of that, I will stand by her no matter what.

I know it isn't easy. I understand it more than completely. But I also know that it is a matter of happiness, and it is time both she and I got our happiness, completely, wholly, without any ties and pressure. Her family, when it comes down to it, will accept her much faster, will eventually accept her again, if ever it comes down to it. It is my family whom I know will never accept me again, if ever it comes down to this.

And I have accepted that. Being in an unhappy heterosexual relationship before has totally changed my impression of anything and all things to do with happiness, and I guess that is why I am brave when it comes to this. She makes me happy. She makes me as happy as I have never been before, until she came into my life. And because of this, I am brave.

She is getting braver too, and I am proud of her for being so. My woman, in the past, would run away and let me go the minute she got scared. But she has grown, we have grown, and she has become so much braver. She knows what and who she wants, she knows she loves me, and she just wants me to stay with her.

You don't know how my heart swelled with pride when I heard her say that. Pride for her. Proud of her.

It comes down to these few words -- I've got her back.

Picture a tortoise. Now, we are the tortoise. I know that sounds weird, and probably the grammar sounds weird too.

But what I am trying to say is that together, we form the entire tortoise. She is the head that peeks out when it is safe, she is the head of the tortoise that comes out at all times, and only hides when she feels it is unsafe or she is scared. And I am the shell of the tortoise. Always there, always steady, always rock-steady and solid, always comforting her with my presence. She can peek her head out anytime she wants, she can do anything she would like to do, but the moment she gets scared or sad or hurt, the moment she gets worried or insecure or needs to hide. I am there. There for her to hide, for her to run to. I am there to take away her fears. Just always there.

Hide in our tortoise, my love.

You know that is is you and me. Cheesy as it sounds, you know that it is you and me. That is why you are brave. That is why I am brave. That is why you just want me, you just want to stay with me. And that is why I want to stay with you.

Simple as that.