move

I still cannot do anything with my blog except for writing. No pictures, no coloured words, no fonts. Just words. I guess it's better than nothing.

In addition, some anonymous cowardly person decided to flag my blog as objectionable. What, I posted porn on my blog? Wrote in explicit detail about sex? Oh, no. I just wrote about my life as a lesbian, and had some pictures of two girls kissing. I suppose that is objectionable. Only if you have a stick up your ass I suppose. I'm sorry, but really? Objectionable? Lesbianism is more than that, I'm afraid. Come out of your long extinct hole or whatever place you are holed up in and take a look around, I suggest.

Anyway. To change the channel.

I will move soon to a new blog. It is like I am at that stage where I am moving bits and pieces of my life to make it complete.

I will move out of this house soon, too. I cannot stand the people I live with, I'm afraid. Oh yes, I have respect for them, yes they brought me up, but above and beyond that, the one insensible and fucked up person whom I have to see everyday and share the damn rooms with, that is intolerable.

So aside from moving my blog, I am also moving out of this place soon, I hope, to some other place where I feel free, where being free is doing what I want and not having to see annoying faces that piss me off, doing whatever I want at whatever time I want, living my own life free and independently.

Well, I would like this moving out thing to be expedited, but the person I am supposed to move in with and rent a room with hasn't actually been really forthcoming.

My woman has been pushing things back and postponing things.

At the back of my mind, I see this for what it is, for what she is trying to say.

And yes, I could move out and live on my own, in a room of my own. I, for one however, would like to rent a master bedroom with an attached bathroom, and of course, that can only happen if I live with her, so we can split the rent. The other thing is because I know I am happy living with her. Lying beside her, sleeping beside her, waking up to her, going home with her.

And I know she likes it too. I know she is happy that way too.

The thing stopping her? Her family. Which, might I add, is not living here in this country where she and I are living. Her family is miles away by flight. Yet there is this inherent power and control that makes her not want to do it. I understand, because I know that her family is very important to her, and I respect that.

But her family being miles away from her country and she still doing this? That's just absurd.

There is a way out of this, to not let her family know, and I have already thought of it.

But she refuses to listen to me.

I understand, and I know.

But honestly. If you really wanted this, you would do everything in your power to get it. To see it through. To think of ways to do it. If you really want something, you go all out to get it.

I know much on that because for 2 years, I have been doing that. Wanting her, wanting to be with her, wanting her to come here to work so she can live here with me. And I do everything in my power to get it and I get it.

I keep telling her that she has to make a decision. I keep telling her we have to get a place to rent and live in because we are wasting even more money, not staying together, meeting everyday, and looking for somewhere to rest for the night. There isn't much we can save because of that. And this is taking its toll on me. She start work later than I do, so she has the opportunity to sleep in 3 hour or more than i do every day. Yet, because she also ends work 3 hours later than me, I end up waiting for her till late, sometimes going home so late and not getting enough sleep. But yes, I still meet her because I want to see her. Because I love her. But it's taking it's toll on me.

And she just has no idea because to her, she is comfortable where she is. She likes where she is, she isn't the one waking early and sleeping late, waiting 3 hours doing nothing just to wait for her to knock off. She isn't doing any of these, so to her, she takes her time to look for a room, she takes her time to move in.

At the back of my mind, I know what her inertia means. At the back of my mind, I know what her pushing things back and postponing means. It is not that I am ignoring facts or pretending it does not exist.

I am just trying not to make it too real, because when it becomes too real and I start to see it in all its reality, I will get jaded, and above that, I will get hurt and I will not make as much a move as I would have. I would not try as much.

I know this means she doesn't want to. For awhile, I knew that and I was okay with it too.

But subsequently she kept chasing me to move in with her. She kept saying she wanted me to move in with her. When she came here she kept wanting me to move in with her, and that got me dreaming again, of bliss and joy and freedom and love and happiness.

Then once again, she retracts her words and plays these games with me. I don't know how to retaliate because I don't know how to play these games. I don't know how to win at these games and I don't want to play, because I am tired.

I understand part of how she feels. And at the back of my mind, I know what her actions mean.

But whatever she is afraid of, I will be there to help her through it. Can she not see it? Whatever she is scared of, I will help her through it, hold her hand, be there whenever she is scared. I am even willing to think on her behalf how to keep that fear at bay and make sure nothing comes in between us, and no one finds out we live together.

Yet even though I can promise her all of those, even though I can give her all of that, she just pushes things back and waits and procrastinates.

She knows I've been wanting this for ages. She knows how unhappy I am when I am living here in this place with all the annoying people. She knows how happy I will be once I move out and move in with her. She, of all people, knows how unhappy I am living here and going back to this place everyday.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you really love someone, you would do everything in your willpower to make whatever it is that the both of you want come true.

Yet for two months she does not come to a decision.

Sometimes, not making a decision is making a decision.