been through

My headphones are plugged in, the music is on to its maximum, and I am drowning out the noise of the world. To hear myself think, to let myself speak, and to prepare to think.

For the past few weeks, I have been doing alot of things, and I've been doing it such that I haven't really stopped to take a breath. Perhaps I did, but for just an hour, maybe. I've actually been running around in circles doing everything and not really breathing.

I am taking a little breather now, before preparing to rule the world again. (Or at least, my world.)

Recently, I have been getting annoyed. We have passed the 2 year 1 month mark, we have passed the 25 months mark, and I feel as if she is getting more and more presumptious with each day that passes.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing stuff for her. In fact, I am more than willing to do alot of things for her. To me, it never is a chore, because for her, everything becomes something pleasant to do.

But recently, it just is getting to be too much. I don't tell her as much when I get annoyed or mad, and I don't ignore her as much now when I get annoyed or mad. Maybe that is the reason why she just doesn't get how far she is pushing my buttons and how she is making me annoyed.

I just don't do that ignoring thing anymore because I realise it is just simply immature, and anyway it never works on her. So there really isn't a point. She doesn't seem to think that anything is wrong if I ignore her, because, well.. I suppose it is a good thing, because she is so secure in my love for her that she doesn't really think anything is wrong when I ignore her. So it really is kinda pointless.

But my point is this.

I do not compare, nor do I believe in comparing how much she does for me versus how much I do for her. I am not a believer in that. But sometimes, just sometimes, you really know when it gets too much. And it is getting to be too much.

I keep getting the feeling that she is taking me for granted. She asks me to do stuff for her, and I am more than willing, because she is my woman and I love her. So I am more than willing. I am willing if she and I are working together as a team.

Because right now, what we are doing together is something that we should do as a team. It is something good, because we are working together as a team for the first time.

Then she asks me to do stuff, which I do for her. I do it at work, and when I come back, I do it too. Then I realised that she is starting to take me for granted, in ways that I think she does not know.

It finally got to be too much last night.

I was made to look and feel like the fool countless times last night. I started out happy enough, and because it was the end of the week, I just simply wanted to share my happiness with her. Initially, I wanted to run to her to share my frustrations in the evening. Then as the night progressed, I just wanted to share my happiness with her, because it was the end of the week.

I ended up sharing first my frustrations, and then my happiness, with myself.

I felt like a fool last night. Then I was made to feel like a fool. And despite all that, I still did some stuff for her, while she was out having fun without giving me an inkling of an idea about what time, if ever, I should call her. When the night finally ended, I had just about given up trying to reach her, and she just did not make the effort to contact me at all. She just did not even make any move.

So the night was just me and myself, despite my earlier anticipation of just wanting to share the night's happiness with her.

It has been like that for a few weekends, and a few weekdays. It has been this way, where I want to share something with her, but end up giving up and just keeping quiet.

Last night really just got too much for me.

I am not so much annoyed as much as I am sad.

I am upset because I don't understand how she can act like she does not want to be with me at all. And she tells me she loves me, she tells me I am the only one for her, she tells me she wants to be with me forever, she tells me she loves me so much. And I believe her whenever she says that. I just don't understand how she can act aand be this way towards me.

I just don't understand how she can take me for granted so blatantly and treat me with this unfairness or whatever it is called.

It hurts me, because I love her, and I don't want to feel this way. It hurts me, because we have been together for 25 months, and I don't think it means she can just be this way to me. I

It hurts me most because I love her wholly, with everything that I have. And I am more than willing to share my everything with her.

So right now, I am just drowning out the world and hoping that she will change or make it up to me or at least make things better.

But in the meantime, it is just me and my headphones, drowning out the world's noises and entering into a world of my own, with just me, my thoughts, and the music that fills my ears and stops me from listening to anyone and everything that could hurt my little world.