love loves to love love

“Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.”

-- Soren Kierkegaard


Do you see that?

He who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.

Of all quotes, I believe in this the most.

Today was a day of many thoughts, and this thought was one of those foremost in my mind.

If you lie to yourself, you lie to others. If you lie to others, others lie about you to some other person, and that some other person lies even more to someone else.

Just as love loves to love love, lies love to lie about lies.

When you lie about yourself, you ultimately spin a great big web, with you right at the centre. Kinda like a fly caught in a spider's web. As you spin, you stumble, you trip, and ultimately your leg gets caught in the midst of that web, and you fall.

I speak of this because when I was a lot younger, I used to lie about who I am, just so I could make others happy, just so I could 'fit in', or whatever it is these days.

Then I grew up, and I ached to seek happiness. And as I sought for happiness, I learnt that when you lie to yourself, and then to others, you ultimately cannot love, because you do not reveal yourself.

And like Soren Kierkegaard quotes, if you do not love, you are a very unhappy person.

I grew up knowing that I was lesbian. There was a period of time where I admitted it, and there was a period of time where I pretended it didn't exist.

That was the unhappiest time of my life.

I lied to myself, and tried to love a guy. Boy, was it difficult. It was so difficult that in retrospect, it was a guilt-ridden relationship. I felt guilty because I knew I didn't love him. I felt guilty because I knew that I didn't even like him the way he wanted me to. And he gave of his love to me so freely. But I liked him only as a friend, only as a companion. But not how a lover should love someone else.

That was a unhappy time for me. I tried so hard to love a guy, just so I could make everyone happy, just so I could fit in, just so I could be happy because I made someone else happy.

But as I grew older, something in me snapped, and I realised that this was not the way I wanted to lead my life.

Lying to everyone was tiring. Lying to this person, who would then lie to another person about me, it was just too tiring and it sapped my energy.

So I decided to be open to anyone who was willing to accept it. I decided to be honest with myself.

And because I am honest to myself, I learnt to love the way lovers love their loves. I learnt to give of my love wholly, without regret, with happiness.

Yes, there are still people whom I will not tell, yet. I will not tell my family that I am gay, yet. Until I move out, until they find out. But besides my family, anyone who wants to know, I tell.

And I have to say, when people get over the initial shock of it, you really get to see who your true friends are, who has your back, who the people whom you really can be friends for life are.

I am lucky because I found a group of friends who accept me the way I am. They don't try to change me. They know it's impossible because I really am a lesbian. And a pretty hard-core one at that. They know that I only like girls, I can only be happy when I am with a girl. They were there when I tried to change who I was, and they knew how unhappy I was.

I am lucky because I made new friends along the way, friends who accepted me the way I am. Guys and girls alike. I am very good friends with a guy whom I got to know through my woman, and after she left to go home, we became close. And he accepts me the way I am. He kids me about it. He teases me about it. But all in the name of fun. The bottomline is that he accepts me, he accepts my woman. He accepts the both of us. And trust me, coming from a guy who is almost a decade older than I am, who is of a different nationality and religion, it means a lot. I am even close to the guy whom I used to be in a relationship with now. He knows about my woman, and although sometimes I know he does not like certain things about my sexual preference, he still supports me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there is no point in lying to yourself, especially regarding your sexual preference.

If you are gay in any way, you just are.

And to go against that would just make everyone else happy.

Except you.

As a living, breathing person, I would think that you take care of yourself first. And happiness is essential to anyone.

If you keep lying to yourself, it will only make you half the person you can be. If you keep lying to yourself, you learn not to love properly. You learn to keep a part of yourself away from others, and even your own being. And when you do that, you can never love, fully, wholesomely, the way you see it in the movies, the way you yearn to love and be loved.

You can never be happy if you do not love wholly.

Oh, you might think you are, now, because you aren't lonely, you have companionship, you have someone who loves you.

But there will come a day when you realise that you long to love someone else, the way you know you can love. You will realise that you are lonely, because you cannot give of your love the way you can, to someone else.

I learnt that the hard way.

That is why, of all quotes, I raise my hat to Soren Kierkegaard's quote the highest.

Because he put it in words so simple, anyone can, will, and should understand.

I am gay. I am a lesbian, and I admit it. I choose to admit it, and I have never been happier, giving of all my love to the woman, my woman who deserves it the most.

Not only do I make myself happy, but I make her the happiest girl ever, because I give of my love wholly, freely, unconditionally, just to her.

But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.

Love loves to love love. When you love, love loves the love that you love. When you love, love loves the person who loves.

And you are happy.

Just like how I am happy.