dear... a letter

Dear baby,

Sometimes I get lost in my words and I don’t know what to say. Recently I haven’t said a lot to you. Right now, I am attempting to talk to you, if only you would listen.

Am I the girl who loves you more than you love her?

I’ve been wondering about that for some time now. If you know me, you would know that I have never actually thought about it. But right now, the way you love me is such that it makes me scared, and it makes me think. Are you thinking about replacing me with someone who loves everything about you, such that everything is perfect even if its not? Are you comparing yourself with other people who are in relationships and thinking about being with someone who laughs and cries with you and for you? Are you thinking about anything regarding us, or are you still so completely in love with me that you don’t even think about any of these?

Somehow I doubt my own last statement, I don’t know why.

The last time you surprised me was a year and a half ago. The last time I got a surprise gift from you without asking you to get me anything or getting it and asking you to pay for me was too long ago, with the exception of when you went on the road trip and got me some stuff that I wasn’t expecting. That was really lovely, and that reminded me again of why I am with you. It also reminded me of how long you haven’t done something like that.

I am not someone who will ask you to do that. I have too much pride, and I love you too much to tell you to do something like that. Perhaps because I am someone who would surprise you, do all kinds of stuff for you, get you all kinds of stuff without you asking me to. Perhaps that is why I don’t ask of you to surprise me or buy me surprise stuff or be really cute or sweet.

But I wish you would. I really wish you would.

Sometimes, all I want is for you to really show me, in actions, in words, in gifts or whatever you might prefer, how much you love me. I know that you are the type of girl who does not express love explicitly, and I accept it. But it’s been more than 2 years, and I am sure you are more comfortable in expressing your love for me.

Sometimes I just want cute little nothings, or a huge giant surprise. I want gifts that I have been longing for, and you know that I have been longing for, but of which I don’t tell you because I don’t want you to know. Sometimes I just want you to be sweet. Sometimes I just want you to hold my hand or my arm in public and not think that the entire world is looking at you, for at times, two girls can actually hold hands or link arms and no one will think anything because all good friends do that. Sometimes I just want secret kisses. Sometimes I just want secret love notes hidden in my bag. Sometimes I just want you to text me first without me worrying and texting you. Sometimes I just want you to listen to me when I speak. Sometimes I just want you to be on my side no matter what. Sometimes I really want you to listen to me when I’m upset or unhappy about certain things, instead of pretending to listen but not really listening, instead going online, and giving me crap answers or being neutral or not taking sides when all I want is for you to take my side and listen to me.

Sometimes all I really want is for you to give me some attention. (but you give me none so many times)

Right now I am confused because I don’t know if you really love me, and I don’t know how much you love me, and I don’t even think you love me as much. I guess I am insecure, and I suppose part of that is the reason why I keep getting mad at you.

I don’t know if you love me as much anymore.

Just this morning, my phone vibrated, and I thought for once that it was you. That you had surprised me by actually loading up without me nagging you to, and surprising me by texting me. But it wasn’t, and I accepted it because that is part of you, isn’t it.

I am having doubts about myself, and I would appreciate it if you could perhaps appease the doubts in me. But somehow you are so caught up in your own world that you don’t even see me standing by, silently waving to you, hoping that I could catch your attention, if only for a minute. At times I feel that you are so caught up in your own world that the only thing you talk to me about is your world, and the things happening around you. And I just sit there silently listening to you, and really listening to you.

All I really want is for us to move in together. I have been waiting for forever. You wanted time, I gave you time. Now time is almost up but yet you are doing nothing about it, and I don’t know anymore how to tell you about it. You don’t know how hard it is for me to live at home. You don’t know how unhappy I am, because you are happy when you live in your own home. But you don’t know how unhappy I am. You don’t know how happy I am when I stay with you in the hotel for a few days – even if just for a few days. I am happiest when I am with you, and all I want, all I need to be happy, is to move in with you.

I don’t know if you are commitment-phobic. All I ask is for us to live together, to move in together. I am not even asking you to marry me. This is just us moving in together. If it sucks, we move out and live apart. If it’s great, we would be together forever. I am just asking for us to move in together, but for you, that is so difficult for you to make a move. I know you are scared, and I know you still think that people always leave you.

But I haven’t, and I don’t think I ever will.

I think the sun shines out of your ass. I think that you look beautiful even if you are hungover and sick. I think you look beautiful even if you wake in the morning with drool on the pillow, creases on your face, and a messy hair. I think you are beautiful even if you kiss me with such bad morning breath. I think you look beautiful even when you sit up in the middle of the night unknowingly, bugging me about stuff that you don’t even know you are doing. My heart breaks when I see you cry. I get angry when someone takes advantage of you and you don’t see it coming. I get upset when you are upset. I worry for your safety.

But most of all, I think you are the most beautiful person on earth and no one could ever replace you, not in a million years. I love you, and I love everything about you. The way you speak, the way you hair smells, the way you look at me, how you get mad, how you speak so cute, all your little nuances and actions, every single thing about you.

Because I have you, I don’t need anyone else. Just you, and it is enough. You complete me.

I hope you know how I feel, and with this little long letter, I hope that somehow, someway, one day, you will understand.

I love you.

Love,
Me