hi there, i'm back for a while

 Lately there have been many things running through my mind. My mind is like a washing machine, set at high speed to wash such filthy laundry that the water is at its hottest, the speed is at its highest, and the spinning and washing continues for a period of time much longer than any laundry. These matters spin and revolve in my mind, colliding, drifting, but always there. Sometimes it gets such that I would be sitting at the bus stop waiting for the bus, and the next thing I know, I’m looking up and my bus is pulling into the stop and if I don’t hurry and flag my bus, it just drives off without picking its lone passenger up.

I am an observer. I pay attention to words. In fact, too much attention, sometimes. It drives some people nuts, and it drives me nuts, when I argue and it all comes down to semantics and nuances and the words used at the wrong time. But sometimes, the observations that I store in my mind make sense. Like when I read certain stuff, and subconsciously I note the subtext. Like when I read certain paragraphs or quotes or look at certain pictures, and I start thinking about where it came from and why it is there. You don’t put something up when it does not mean anything to you. And if it means something to someone, the person who reads it would know that it is not there for nothing.

It is kind of like how I am right now. I say certain stuff, do certain things, act in a way that I act in, am quiet in a way that I am quiet in, because I choose to be. It is not there for nothing. There is a part of me that I keep hidden, and so far none have been able to break the wall. She has gotten close, she cracked the wall, but let it go for too long, and over time I rebuilt it.

I keep thinking and wondering. I wonder if she thinks about replacing me. I wonder if she thinks about having someone who never tells her to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. I wonder if instead, she thinks about having someone who tells her that the sun shines out of where it doesn’t shine. I wonder if she thinks about her love for me, as much as I think about my love for her.

It is said that there is always a girl who loves you more than you love her back in a relationship. Am I that girl? The one who loves her more than she loves me back. I don’t doubt that she loves me, and I have never really thought about whether or not she loves me more than I love her. But recently her love for me has been so slight and so close to not loving that it gets me quite undone at times.

I don’t like telling her any of these, so I refuse to speak to her of it. What happens is that over the weekend, she started asking me why I was quiet, why I wasn’t speaking to her about anything. I guess it all stems from the fact that she once told me not to tell her how much I love her, not to count and put into words how much I love her, because that would be like stating and counting all that I do for her. So I refrained, and over time, the words just got lost in the air around us.

But if ever she returns to read this blog, if ever she knows where I hide my feelings, if ever you do return to read this, baby, this is for you.