ready or not, here it goes

I guess because I think you've forgotten about this, it makes it easier for me to pen down my thoughts here. Which, in a way, is good, because then I allow myself to be honest to myself.

I'm scared. I'm scared and I'm afraid, and you, as my girlfriend, you don't have a clue about what is going on in that mind of mine. And I don't blame you, because it's not like i tell you what's on my mind either.

I thought about a number of things last night and this morning, and I got frightened. Simply put, you are never one to express your love, to show me how you feel about me. And it's getting to the point where I don't know if I should feel insecure, or I should just pretend these feelings don't exist and lock them somewhere in the back of my mind and throw away the key -- until it reappears again, in a worse form.

You expect a great deal from me, but I am not allowed to expect anything from you. Expectations become the start to a quarrel if I should expect anything. One night you told me how you aren't allowed to think for yourself or make your decisions, because I make them all for you.

If only you knew. You end up making all those decisions, baby, and I end up doing them all for you. That is the difference. That is what I thought about the moment you said it, and what I kept thinking about. You think you don't make the decisions. But baby, just look at how many times you make the decision, and how many times, all I do is just carry out whatever you decide.

I want to talk to you about so many things so bad, but you just refuse to listen to me. You give me a million reasons why we shouldn't talk about it, and because I don't want to ruin your mood, I let it go.

Don't you know that when words remain unspoken, sometimes it doesn't go away? Instead it stays and accumulates until it clogs up your throat and you just want to spit it out so you can breathe again?

I have so many things that I wanna say to you. I am afraid of so many things, but you refuse to listen to me.

There have been times when I have needed you recently, but you just seemed so far away. It is like you were lost in your own world, and everything surrounding you was just you and you. I got lost somewhere in the world outside of yours, and I can't get in because you can't see me. You tell me about your work, about everything, but don't you realise that I haven't told you many things about myself or my work in a long time. It is like you are in a world where there is only you and the things that you love, and I am not one of them. I am what surrounds the things you love - I am standing just outside, so that if you should need me, you just need to reach out a hand and grab me and I am easily within your reach. That kinda external world.

I wanted to see you today, but I needed some time to think. It's a first for me to do this, and I don't know what it signifies.

I don't know if you are commitment-phobic. I understand your fears, but I also know that your fears are overrated. You refuse to think of possibilities and solutions to your fears and problems - instead you let it stay, and when the time comes that I ask you about it, you just tell me straight out what your fears are, without even thinking of a solution or a way out of it.

If it was something huge, I would understand. But these are just small fears and small problems in the way, and you can't even think of a solution that I could think of in 5 seconds.

It is almost as if you are letting your fears stay there so that you can keep me out of your life and ensure that I stay out. It is to the point where I think that you don't want it; all you want is just someone to spoil and pamper you and do whatever you say. Your fears and your lack of solutions and ways out just make me feel that I am not that important after all - that what you want is to do what you want and chase what you want on your own, with only yourself for consideration and not someone you claim to love.

This is the time where I keep asking myself why I let you do whatever you want, even if it makes me unhappy. You asked for time regarding moving out, I gave you that time. For 2 and a half years, I gave you time. Even though it makes me so unhappy and intolerable it makes me nearly impossible to breathe when I'm in the house. I gave that up, for you and for what you wanted, because I love you and I understand your fears.

But now, now that the time is drawing near, I just see how you keep lagging behind and procrastinating. It is almost akin to a small kid dragging her heels because she doesn't wanna go to phonics classes or something.

You say you are afraid, but I think you are just scared that I will leave you once we move in together. I think you are afraid because once I start leaving with you and see how your habits are like, I will leave you. because you think everyone leaves you eventually.

But I have not, have I? Doesn't that prove something? Don't all the things i do for you, all the things and emotions that i give up for you prove something?

There are only two things you get out of living together and moving in. It either breaks down and falls apart, or it means a together forever for us both.

And you're just afraid to see how it goes. I think I have that much more faith in us than you.

Because despite your idiosyncrasies and little annoying habits, your lack of responsibility and consideration, I already know that it can only be a together forever for us both. With lots of savings and fun. Because we already know how we are like together.

We do the silliest things together. We can even do nothing and be happy that we are doing nothing together. We get to save, we get to go home to each other every night. We get to come home to each other. We get to go home together, go out together, leave you breakfast and butterfly kisses in the morning before leaving for work. We can cuddle and snuggle and sleep together. You can put your arms around me and smell me to sleep. I can put my arms around you and soothe and comfort you when you wake up in the middle of the night. I can cook for you and take care of you.

And you can love me, privately, every single day, with kisses and hugs and hand-holdings and snuggling together to watch movies without telling me that you can only show me how much you love me in private.

All these is what we are missing out on. And when I see how you try to procrastinate and lag behind, it just breaks my heart and saddens me. Because you don't want it as much as I do.

I am afraid of so many things, and my heart just keeps aching when I see how you don't want this for us or you don't do that for us.

It makes me sad, and I don't want to be sad with you.

We are a together forever, and I don't know how you could have forgotten that.