Back to the truth.

How long has it been? Got caught up in life, forgot about this, and now I'm once again returning. I feel that for some reason, no matter how long I leave this blog alone, I always come back to it when I am in need of some form of catharsis. 

When I first started this blog, I had such hopes of love. I had so much belief, so many dreams about love. All the fairy tale endings that were only in books, I thought it would happen to me, oh, I thought it would come true. And for a while, I thought it did. For a long while, I believed that finally, something good was happening to me. Love was finally mine for the taking, love was finally mine for the giving.

But oh, who am I to decide what is truly mine? 

For nearly four years, I thought I had finally found the one. You know, that one person in your life that you can talk to, laugh with, cry with and not feel any embarrassment or shame no matter what you do wrong and how silly it seems. That person who understands you the way no one else will, who treats you like no one else will. The person who is the first one on your speed dial, the one you text the most, the person you know you can run to. That one person who is your balance in life, your strength and also your weakness. That one person you want to take as your life partner.

I thought I had found her. Finally, after what seemed like ages. And as the years passed, my love for her never diminished, never once disappeared. If anything it increased. Sure, we went through many changes along the way, grew, maybe took a few steps back, maybe took a few steps forward after that, but regardless, my love and my feelings for her never were anything less than what it started out to be.

I was so happy with her. We moved in together, and those two years were the happiest times of my entire life. I thought we were so strong. I thought we could overcome anything in our way.

I thought wrong.

Things change. The grass is greener on the other side. And with just a few words, the greener side outshone me. Maybe it seemed exciting, maybe it seemed so green that she forgot what we were, how we were, the things we went through, what we mean to each other, how we cherish each other. Maybe it was just that easy to forget.

I don't know what effect this has on her, because there seems to be little to no effect. It doesn't seem to bother her in the least. While I can't eat, can't sleep, can't feel, while my heart aches with every breath I take, she is living her life as if nothing has happened.

I feel more alone than ever. Alone, and lonely. The one person who should know how I feel without me even articulating the words is gone, and hence no longer feels it. It's like everything is out of focus and there is nothing to feel, except for the breaking of my heart. The days seem so long, the nights even longer. Everywhere I go, every direction I turn towards, she is there. Whatever I do, I think of her. Each place I enter, I think of her. Every place brings back memories of us together. So much so that it hurts, all the time, with every single step I take, even if I try not to think about it. I walk with my head down, because everywhere I go brings back such strong memories of us that it tears me up inside and brings tears to my eyes.

You know how they say that when you have found the one, you will feel that everything is possible, no matter how bad it is, and that nothing is impossible? I felt that way with her. No matter how bad things were, no matter what happened, I was alright, I felt that I could do it, because I had her. Because she made me feel that everything was possible. 

She was my strength. She was my everything. She was my best friend. And she was the one I wanted to be with forever, to have a family with, to be successful with. She was, and she still is, my reason for coming home everyday. 

But now I come home to a lonely room. A silent house. I eat alone, I walk alone, I take care of myself when I fall sick. The reason for coming home has disappeared.

Yet, despite everything, I still love her. I still love her so much that it hurts.

I still love her. She was always the strong one.