Don't you remember?

I'm so tired. So tired of thinking, talking, finding, breathing, loving, living. I'm so mentally exhausted that I can't even find the right words for the right emotion, the exact words to describe the situation. I'm so tired that it has translated to physical exhaustion. It's a chore to get up every morning and do what I have to do, go where I have to go. It takes so much strength just to smile and talk like I usually do and pretend when what I really want to do is to hide at home and cry or just stare at the four walls. It is just so fucking tiring.

Everything was right when I was with her. I could do wonders. I used to crack the stupidest jokes, make a fool of myself, laugh at everything, bitch about everyone, got just the right amount of inspiration and motivation to do the things I have to do. I used to have such big dreams of love; I used to think that love was everything, love was it, love was magical and wonderful and she was my right kind of wonderful and magic.

Now I just feel so empty everyday. I wonder the streets alone and there is just that awful ache in my heart and that lump in my throat. The pain in my heart courses through my veins and it feels like every part of me hurts. It hurts till I start to turn numb, and for awhile there is nothing. Just vast emptiness and a hollow core where my heart should be. Then it starts to hurt again. And it's like a cycle. It just doesn't stop.

I cannot deal with this huge additional blow of her loving someone else. I just can't. How can one person just forget everything? I can't even think of anything properly except for the fact that it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

Everything reminds me of her. Every single thing. Where I go, what I do, what I eat, how I speak, where I come home to, every single fucking thing just reminds me of her. There is no place I can turn to where she isn't there, because we have created memories everywhere and she has made a place in my mind and my heart and I just can't stop remembering.

She was my best friend. For the first time in my life, I had finally found a love who was also my best friend. Not only was she my best friend, she was also my soulmate. We understood each other like no one else before. She could just do a simple action, make a face, not speak a word and I would instantly know what she was thinking or feeling. We would text the same things at the same time because that is what soulmates do, that is what best friends do when you are so in tune with the other person you just know that person so well.

She was that to me. My best friend. My soulmate.

I didn't need anyone else when I had her. I don't have anyone else. I can't run to my family the way she does. It was and is just her.

Now that I have lost my best friend and soulmate, now that I have lost the love I love the most, I have no one. For once in my life, I am really, truly, alone.

I do things on my own. I take care of myself when I fall sick. I deal with all the housing issues, rental issues, housemate issues and everything else on my own. If I don't have a place to live, I have to suck it up, because she is no longer here to go through all this shit with me. Thick and thin, sickness and death, what a load of crap. There is no one I can turn to. I couldn't even run to her when I had to deal with my rental issues. We rented this place together. Now I am taking care of it alone. It's like she just sat down in this place for a little while, warmed the seat, then got up and just brushed the dirt off and sauntered away without a care in the world.

Oh, I know, I know I am now nothing to her, but doesn't she remember? Doesn't she look back and think of all the happy memories we had? Doesn't she even know, even hurt, just that slightest bit?

At night I lie in bed alone and think of everything that we've gone through. What I had risked for her, what I had sacrificed for her, what I had given up for her. And it was nothing, it wasn't a sacrifice, because it was for her, and for her, I would do anything.

Does she even remember who helped her out of her first infatuation, her first heartbreak, her first love? Does she remember how I was there every step of the way, no matter how bad it was? Does she remember how I would never let her be alone, feel alone, how I supported her through everything good and bad? How I would scrimp and save just to be there with her, for her? How I helped her to stop being afraid of love and commitment?

I knew that if she left to go back and study to get her professional license, something like that might occur. But I trusted her. I believed in her. I believed in us. I believed in the strength our relationship purportedly had.

I loved her, and because I loved her enough, because I loved her so much, when she wanted to go back and get her license, I didn't stop her. Because I loved her so much, when there was something going on with her first love, I let her be there, I let her do what she had to do, because I loved her. Because I love her.

And now? Now, she loves someone else. Now, because I loved her enough, because I loved her so much to let her do what she wanted to do, she used my love for her to find her love with someone else. To get rid of my love and transfer it onto someone else.

There is no one who can and will understand her, love her, support her, and give her as much attention as I can and will. There is no one who could be as good a best friend and soulmate as I can and will. But she doesn't see it that way anymore. She just doesn't see it anymore.

Don't you remember? Can't you see? Can you see how much I love you? How much I need you? We were made for each other, don't you remember? We are a team, together forever, remember?

How could you forget? It was you. It still is you. I love you. But you were always the strong one.

How could you forget how much I love you?