signing in again

Back after a short hiatus.

I realise that time is passing so fast. It seemed so slow to me, yet the minute I turn my back on time, it seems to fly past. In a blink of an eye, a year is almost done and it is nearly Christmas. It does not even seem like Christmas to me, if not for all the Christmas songs and decorations and the heavier traffic than usual when I drive.

In a few days I will be starting my stint as a freelance writer online for an internet and e-commerce business, writing marketing articles (I suppose) and maintaining a blog for them. It does not pay well, and of course, there is the topic of remuneration that has yet to be discussed, but by next week, everything should be finalised. If all goes well, then well, we'll see how it goes from there.

I don't know what it is, but I feel like I have many more things on my mind than what I used to have when I was still studying. It's funny, because when I was in Uni, I used to think that my main worry was graduating, and upon graduating, there would be lesser things to worry about. Boy, was I wrong. I find out now that after graduating, there are so many more things to worry about, so many things to think about. I find myself having ceaseless things on my mind all the time. Getting a job, financial woes, annoyances, lies and facades to keep up with, everything.

I also think that my tolerance level is just about there. Just about reaching its limit, and once that blinker starts beeping red, that's a sign that my tolerance has been outlived. I seriously do not know how I managed to tolerate and live with the parents/the family for so long, because now that the rose-tinted glasses have been taken off, I finally start to see the flaws and cracks and inadvertable issues that will soon cause a riot, a flood, a chaotic situation, whatever it is, in this house.

The family I live in is full of contradictions, and full of tiny cracks that seem to be hidden, but can so easily be exposed. And once these cracks get exposed, they start splitting up into larger holes that are on the verge of caving in. In other words, the gel that binds these cracks together is not a very good one at that. Most of the time, I keep my own council and don't say a word about it. Most of the time, I tolerate. Most of the time, I ignore it and shut my mouth because I don't want to utter or interfere with something that to me, is so pointless.

But I think this tolerance that I have is reaching its limit, for I find myself starting to react and argue and tell whoever it is to please keep quiet. The thing is, this whole issue of the cracks becoming larger holes, has got nothing whatsoever to do with me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. So I don't like being the target, just because the intended one is not around.

Now that I see this family for what it is, I start to wonder how anyone could tolerate it for so long. My elder sister has moved out almost two years now, and yes, we are still just as close, perhaps even closer, but now I start to wonder how she tolerated it. Soon, soon, once I get a steady job that pays enough, it is my turn to move out. So what if I rent a room that isn't as large as this house. So what is I rent a room and therefore become poorer as a result. Who cares? What matters is my own freedom, my own independence, my own peace and quiet, and of course, that I can do whatever I want without having to tolerate or be annoyed daily.

Don't get me wrong, I am not being unfilial, nor am I being ungrateful. Yes, in most families here where I live, moving out before marriage is seen as disrespectful and ungrateful to the parents. It is seen as a disgrace (especially to those parents who do not will not and can not dammit understand why) and could cause an irreparable rift between children and parents. But oh, I am willing to risk all of that and move out.

I do not see myself as being unfilial or ungrateful. I do not see myself as being revengeful or emotional. In fact, I am about as sensible and practical as I can get. And what I know is this -- I am grateful to the parents for giving me life, for bringing me up in such a luxurious world with such luxurious surroundings and the best of what money can buy. And I know that as long as I have a stable income, I will try to provide for the parents to the best of my ability.

But my life is my own. And in order to not go crazy, in order to not become the mother, in order to not become an ugly person, I want to lead my own life. Have my own set of rules and personality. Be the person that I can, should, and will be. My life is my own.

Soon. Soon. Next year, after I go to look for my baby and live with her for awhile, upon my return, upon securing a good job, I will have that. My own life. I will.