hard to believe, easy to say

i cannot believe that just happened.

for so long, we've been together. i didn't expect all these words to come out. i didn't expect such hard truths, such truthful things kept inside, such hurtful words never said, such painful slaps, to actually manifest.

apparently these are things that should have been said but have never been let out.

i have known, all along, that when it comes to certain things, she gets that way. but i certainly did not expect it to get that bad. i had this hope and this thinking that when it came right down to things, love would win everything else.

i thought wrong.

this time, it hurt. it really hurt. what she said, really hit me right there, where it hurts the most. what she said, really brought me down. it was personal, it was worth pride, it was sensitive, it was cruel. it was a direct hit.

of all people, i would have expected her to be the last to say it. of all people, i would have expected her to at least get an inkling of why i used to do things like that. and precisely because she understands, she should never have been the one to say it.

i thought wrong. i was wrong.

yet at the same time, i cannot bring myself to get mad at her. i cannot bring myself to hurt her back, because even when it comes down to this, i just want to love her. i still want to love her. i think she should be loved.

i suppose this could make it seem partly my fault, then, but i don't know and i don't care. because at the same time, i cannot bring myself to get mad or get even with her. all i still want to do, is to love her.

i guess i really really love her that much.