back to this

It is back to relying on technology, trust, and each other's heart.

Been back home for 3 days now. There is always this question of how it feels to be back home.

I am trying to readjust back to the life that I lead here. The double, sometimes triple lives that I lead here. I am trying to readjust my mentality to accept the lack of freedom, the lack of independence, the lack to do what I want to do openly again. Adjustment, change. It is all about that. Always about that.

This time, it is harder. Harder because I was away for 3 months, so it is difficult to adjust back to life fast enough. This time, I am not fast enough for this overly rapid, fast-forward country that I live in. It is tougher. Tougher because of so many factors, out of which every little one needs considerable thinking.

I miss her. I miss her terribly. I don't know if she does, I don't know if she misses me as much as I miss her. I find myself wanting to talk to her so often, I find myself wanting to be reassured by her presence, that she is still here for me, that she still remembers me. On the other hand, now that I am back here, her texts have lessened considerably. Perhaps because I am not there, there isn't a need to text me as often. Her attention towards me seems to have lessened. I don't know.

But I miss her, and that remains a fact. I miss her so much it is almost impossible to put into words. When I get slightly annoyed or pissed with her, as I did on the phone awhile ago, it gets worse because I know I can't just reach over and touch her, I can't just reach over and pull her to me and tell her not to get mad, or wait for her to come to me and hug me and tell me not to get pissed with her. I can't, because we are in two different countries now. I don't know how to feel about that. I suppose I am slightly annoyed, but more of sad.

Things feel so different back here. I feel considerably empty, like I have no one to go home to any longer. I don't feel like I am going home to anyone when I go home. It feels empty, because going home, when I was with her, meant going home to her, or going home with her, or waiting for her to come home to me. It is empty, in a way.

I haven't been sleeping well since I returned back. I can't seem to fall asleep. I prolong going to bed because going to bed meant thinking, since I can't fall asleep. I end up texting her because I can't fall asleep, and then I feel like I am disturbing her, because it is always my 3, 4 or 5 texts to her 1 text. For the past 2 nights, I have been lying awake for more than an hour, just thinking, tossing and turning, attempting to fall asleep. I smell her beside me, I smell her to sleep, I envision myself putting my arm around her. Then I realise that it isn't real, that she isn't here and I'm not there, and I cannot fall asleep.

The mornings when I wake are comparable to the nights. These 2 mornings, I woke up, thinking I was still in the condo with her. Thinking that I was still there with her. My mind is a blur, I cannot think straight. I keep waking up, thinking I am still in the condo with her. Upon the realisation that I am not in the condo, but back home where I do not really have the utmost desire to be in, I attempt to hide back under my blanket, but that never works, so I end up waking early and doing nothing around the house.

I fight with her over the silliest things on the phone now, just because I am afraid. Afraid that she doesn't feel the way I do, afraid that she will forget me. Afraid that perhaps I am just the only one missing her that much, missing the time we spent together. Afraid that 2 weeks later, she would have gotten so used to me not being around that she cannot remember how it feels like to have me around. I fight with her over the stupidest things because I am afraid.

Coming back here feels weird. There are times when I just drift off into my own little bubble. There are times when I feel like I cannot take it -- how weird it feels, coming back here. I am made to be obliged to answer to certain people, I am to be obliged to certain people. Adjusting and changing.

I try to keep busy, I attempt to occupy myself everyday now, just so I won't keep thinking about her, or what I would be doing right now with her. Most of the time, though, I can't seem to help it. Going out feels different, because I am not with her. Going out when I was there with her was always a happy affair, for I am out with her. Now, going out feels kinda weird. It doesn't feel as happy, because I am not out with her, laughing at each other, doing stupid things, trying to grab her ass or her hand in public and watching her reaction.

So, how does it feel, you might ask. Well, this is how it feels -- empty, weird, a sense of not being able to assimilate or belong as quickly as I am supposed to, slightly unhappy, all wanting to hide away from reality, and most of all: missing her. Missing her so much.