when words cannot fill it

I am subconsciously counting down the days.

As of now, it is another nine more days before I go home.

I know it is a rather stupid thing to do, counting the days. But I don’t know why, subconsciously, my mind does the counting. With each day that passes, I am aware of how much time we have left to physically be with each other, hold and touch each other, to physically spend time with each other before we go back to the texting, calling, ym-ing, and the never-ending missing each other and wishing we could see each other.

It makes me seem kind of like a fool, being so aware of the time when I could actually spend it enjoying my days with her, enjoying and just feeling how it feels to spend time with her, to be with her, live with her. That is why, at times, I get annoyed with myself, for thinking about it subconsciously.

It is easier when she is around, living here in the condo with me. It is easier because I cannot think about it, because if I start to tear, she will know and she will stop me from thinking about it. But when I am alone, these thoughts just seem to keep coming. It is like they are hidden at the back of my mind, never far, and the moment I am alone, these thoughts seem to realize my vulnerability and come out.

This past week, I have been hiding my sadness and controlling the tears that threaten to fall when I think about it. Even the simplest actions, like thinking about the next week when I’ll be seeing her, or thinking about the places we are going to next week, even the sound of the neighbor across the hall opening and closing the door makes me tear.

It is so hard, hiding these tears and sadness from her. This whole week, I have been gritting my teeth, biting the inside of my cheek, just to stop myself from tearing when she is around. I have taken to looking away at times or just acting blur when I sit with her, face-to-face, just talking or holding hands, watching tv or kissing. Because at times when I look at her, I feel my eyes starting to fill with tears, and so I turn to look away or act blur. I don’t want to cry when she is around because I don’t want her to see how sad I am, that I am going to go home soon.

Friday afternoon, we had a fight. We weren’t talking, so she was playing her game, and I was just lying on the bed listening to my ipod. I turned and caught a glimpse of her back, the way she sits and behaves when she plays her game, and my heart hurt. It was so hard, keeping myself from crying and tearing. I couldn’t take it, so I hid beneath my pillow and cried silently. She never knew I cried. And when I teared when she came to snuggle beside me and apologise, I lied that it was because I could force myself to cry.

There were times this week, when she was staying in the condo with me, that I would cry in the shower or in the bathroom, so she wouldn’t have to see it. There were times when I would go to smoke at the window and tear silently. Then it would be back to bringing myself under control, making sure any expression on my face wasn’t of sadness, and then I would turn back to her with a smile.

I didn’t know it would be this hard keeping my sadness and tears from her. I don’t want her to see me cry, and I don’t want her to see my sadness, because I don’t want it to affect her, and I don’t want to know that maybe, maybe I am the only one who is being this sad, because she doesn’t seem to be affected by it.

There was once, this week, when we were just lying beside each other, and I just ran my hands over her face, remembering how it feels, trying to keep her features in my mind, just tracing her features, those lovely eyes, that cute little nose, those lips of hers, and I started to tear. She saw me starting to tear, and told me to stop, but I couldn’t. We both ended up teary-eyed. I don’t know why it is so easy for me to cry now, when I think of her, when I wake up to her sleeping face beside mine.

I know it is so much harder now, because we have been living together in the same country for 3 months now. in the past, the longest I have lived with her was for 3 weeks. This time, it is 3 months and I know that this is precisely why it is harder to leave to go home, why it hurts so much more. We have gotten so used to each other, we have gotten to so used to each other’s idiosyncrasies, habits, way of life, everything.

It doesn’t get much easier, knowing that when I go home, it will be time to join the rat race, and it won’t be as easy for me to go on a vacation, to apply for leave to go on a vacation as it was from last year to this year, when I was still studying. Because where I am, we don’t have that much vacation leave at all.

But I should be used to it, shouldn’t I? I should be so fucking used to it. So why am I so sad this time, why do I keep crying?

She isn’t here in the condo with me now, and won’t be until next week. I tried not to be sad, but it was too tiring and I end up crying. I don’t want to.

Perhaps this is just a sign of how much I love her. Perhaps this just shows that my love for her is so much more than anything else, that even though it is difficult leaving her to go home, I will, because I know I will see her again, in another few months.

It is another nine more days, and soon, it will be nine more days. She isn’t as sad as I am, or perhaps it doesn’t affect her as much because she will soon be so busy with her thesis. I have no idea. But it is affecting me a whole lot, and I don’t know what to do about it.