of feelings that speak no words

I have so many things to say but I don't know where to start or what to do.

I have had better days. Today hasn't been one of the good days, but I guess I am used to making days like these okay.

I woke up alone, lonely and kinda sad and bored. The thought of me leaving to go home soon has been on my mind for the past couple of days, and it still is on my mind. I cannot seem to get rid of it no matter what I do.

My baby and I aren't really on that good talking terms now, perhaps because I can sense a little of her not being very affected by me leaving, whereas I am the one who is doubly affected by it. It is almost as if I am taking up all of the effects and consequences, and she feels next to nothing about it. She is alright with it, she doesn't seem to feel much of it, and I guess what she really is thinking of is her thesis and schoolwork. I don't know what to make of it, but perhaps I should just be silent and accept it, for perhaps that is how she is.

I have many fears and obstacles to face when I get back home. I don't even know whether she knows of it, because I don't talk to her about it. It seems like I haven't really told her what my fears and obstacles are, and I don't know why either. It is like I don't really want her to know, because she doesn't at all seem affected by me leaving. It is almost as if whatever that happens has no consequence on her. Perhaps it really is her thesis and schoolwork that is on her mind all the time. I have no idea.

I am facing my fears and obstacles, because I have to, and because if I don't, I won't know what to make of my life. There's the job I have to go searching for, a job that will make me happy and won't let me become like one of those stressed, unhappy faces going to and from work everyday. There's the family to deal with. There's the cashflow problem, and there's the missing my baby issue. There is also the getting used to having to live with my family again and get annoyed and bugged because I do not like living with my family.

I am having a hard time now. I am trying to be happy. I am trying to not think about what will happen eight days from now. I am trying not to cry or be sad. I am trying not to feel too lonely, even though I feel really very lonely, and at times, a little afraid. I am trying to be happy in front of her.

I guess this post has no definite topic, I guess this post is just a rambling of all that I feel, of which I am unable to say.