mind/heart or heart/mind?

Distant. So distant.

No one ever said it would be this hard.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It is so distant. I am so distant and cold. No one ever wrote anything on how distant feels like, why one is distant, and how one goes about being distant. No one ever said it would be easy, but it is hard. It is so hard.

I am so distant towards her. Somehow being distant and cold comes together, I don’t know how or why. I don’t know what to say to her, it is like I’ve run out of words. Yet I have so many things to say to her, so many emotions and feelings I want to say, but I can’t say it out.

Along with distant and cold comes loneliness. I feel so alone. I feel like I am alone trying so hard to fight so many things, I feel like I am alone in trying to do this and do that, I feel like I am alone facing everything.

There is a cloud of sadness and impending departure hanging over me, and a bubble of distant coldness and impassiveness surrounding me. Above and around me, feelings surround me.

I keep getting the feeling of general unaffectedness from her. There is this sense of distinct relief expelling from her that I feel, now that it edges closer to me going home. I am doubly affected by it, on the contrary, she seems almost generally unaffected by it. I know what is on her mind is just her thesis and her schoolwork, so I don’t ask for much, neither do I bring it up. But this feeling of impassiveness and relief, is it something that is wrong?

I keep feeling more and more recently that I am just keeping her from her life. I feel like I am suffocating her, I feel like I am just disrupting her life, and when I leave to go home, she can finally go back to her usual normal life without the stress, without the worry and trouble and inconveniences, without me disrupting her life.

If it were me spending three weeks here, this effect would not be that great. But it is me spending three months here, so the effect is ten times greater. How can it be that I still feel this sense of relief radiating from her?

Sometimes I wonder – am I really that much of a disruption? Trouble, inconvenience, worry? Do I suffocate her that much?

I think about how she enjoys the company of those nearest and dearest to her. I think about how she tells me that I am dearest to her, yet it doesn’t feel like it. It feels more like I am dearest to her in a distant way. I don’t know where I figure in her life, I don’t know where I stand when it comes to her priorities in life.

In all the wishes that we have made and wrote, I never once saw my name anywhere. But there I was, putting her name in almost all of my wishes that I make or write. I see her wanting love, I see her wanting to be in a relationship forever in her wishes, but those are general wishes. Wishes that may or may not include me, so long as it is love for her, a relationship forever for her. But me, oh silly little me, I insert her name in my wishes, I wish for love with her, a relationship forever with her. Even on her board where she puts things that consist of her life, I am not in it. I seem to be a subject that cannot be spoken or written of, I seem to be a topic that is forbidden.

She speaks of how she loves me. She speaks of how I am dearest to her. But as I keep telling her, words remain words. Actions and words defer by so much, and so much it is, now that I learn. Could I be wanting too much? Could I be expecting too much?

I am so distant and cold now that even I am a little surprised by it all. Maybe it is the impending departure. Perhaps it is that I sense how her mind is always only on her thesis and schoolwork. Maybe it is because I caught a glimpse into her life, and I don’t know where I fit in. Perhaps it is because of this sense of relief that comes wafting past me.

I don’t know. I really don’t know at all. Contrary to what she thinks, that I think I am always right, perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps it really is all my fault in the first place. Maybe it really is all my fault.

There are so many things that I wish I could say, but the distant and cold me just keeps it all in. Even in words, it seems so hard to write it down.

I wish you needed me as much as I needed you.
I wish you wanted me as much as I wanted you.
I wish you could show me that you love me.
I wish you could show me how I fit into your priorities.
I wish I could fit into your life as perfectly and completely as you fit into mine.
I wish you could love me as much as I love you.