on a rainy day

Do you love rainy days?

It's a rainy day today. i have a love-hate relationships with rainy days. what about you?

Perhaps everyone has a kind of love-hate relationships with rainy days. most of the time it depends on what you want to do on that particular day.

Well, it's a rainy day today wherever i am at. i remember, this time last year, when it was close to christmas, it kept raining all the time. and i loved it, i loved it because i love the feeling of being at home alone on a rainy day (may i emphasise the word 'alone'). i don't know why, but rainy days when i'm home with my family doesn't feel as nice as rainy days alone. i wonder what this makes of me.

I have had a lot of time to think about many things while i am here, and i guess the one main thing i have realised is that i really value my freedom and my independence. as in, it is kinda scary, at first thought, about how much i enjoy being alone without my family surrounding me. don't get me wrong, it isn't as you think. it is just that i like being alone at home without my family. while i am here, i am always alone, and i kinda like it. but the one thing i cannot do without is my friends. it scared me at first, when i realised that i would rather live with friends or housemates, than with family.

Having a lot of me time basically made me think, and i saw that i value my freedom and independence a lot. i am happy when i am either living on my own or with friends or housemates. i guess perhaps my family makes me feel a little stifled, like i can't breathe and i can't do what i want. but i know that with friends or housemates, i can do what i want, i can breathe, and yet i still have company and people who care for me.

So this is one side of me that i found here -- the girl who loves her freedom and independence.

On rainy days, i tend to think more. i have no idea why. today is a rainy day, and i am enjoying this wet cold rainy weather here. maybe it helps me find myself easier, i don't know.

But well, rainy days like today also tend to make me think about things that i don't want to think about -- like the fact that i am going to have to go home soon.

I have tried not to think about it for the past one or two days, but it keeps coming back like an annoying alarm clock that is on snooze and will keep waking you up every 5 minutes. rainy days like today make me think about how i would rather be home alone on a rainy day than with my family. when i go home, i am going to have to go home and continue living with my family. that is what i don't like, but one i have to do until i get what i want i suppose.

Being here, it gives me my own freedom. on top of that, i am happy here because i know she is within reach. i know i can see her, actually physically be with her, touch her, hold her. i feel very close to her. going home, well, it's a different story altogether. i am aware of how it is like, because it's been more than a year that we've been doing this. yet back home, there is still this slight discontentment, like whenever i do something i like, i think about her, and how it would be like if only she was here with me.

I guess the main thing is to be glad of the small things you have -- like how i still have her, like how we are still together and how she holds my heart. like how one day, hopefully, i will move out and live on my own.

Rainy days really make me think, don't they.

Today is a rainy day that i enjoy, and it is a suitable weather for the feelings and thoughts that i have.